5 Incredibly Self-Serving Ways To Stay Beautiful.

“It was my delusion and naivety that brought me here.” Lady Gaga

I’m sixty-five years old and I don’t look a day over forty. My secret is lying. This is the first rule of keeping your beauty. When I tell people I’m forty, they cackle like crows. If I’m forty, then they’re thirty. Okay, no, they don’t look thirty, and I don’t look forty. We’re enjoying ourselves, though.

Here’s why we’re enjoying ourselves — and you can, too. We’re deluded, and delusion is the best beauty secret available today. Forget the cremes and lotions. They’re a con job. You know what hyaluronic acid is? It’s molecules that hold a thousand times their weight in water (I know because I advertised the crap out of hyaluronic acid in the early 80s as a vaginal moisturizer).

You’ll get the same results from K-Y Liquibeads or Replens (I advertised the crap out of Replens, too).

Truth is, skin doesn’t absorb moisture. Sure, hyaluronic acid makes your skin look younger, but briefly — and I mean briefly. If that’s all you’re looking for, great, just don’t spend hundreds of dollars. You’ll get the same results from K-Y Liquibeads or Replens (I advertised the crap out of Replens, too).

So this is all you’ve got? you’re saying. Stay deluded and use vaginal moisturizers? Well, no. There’s also how you can stay deluded, and that’s where Mark Manson comes in, author of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F***k.”

Mark’s made a lot of money out of his book, which is loosely based on something Charles Bukowski once said: Don’t try.

Now, anyone who’s read me knows I respect the crap out of Bukowski. The whole notion that we give too much of a f**k means we’re making ourselves old by caring. Give a f**k less, and you’ll keep your looks longer.

HEALTHY MANTRAS

Not giving a f**k isn’t delusional, but it is healthy. All we’re really doing is saying “I don’t give a f**k” like it’s a mantra. We need mantras. They remind us that a good one-liner keeps us from having billions of unstable thoughts.

Now, of course, Manson (and Bukowski) weren’t saying don’t give a f**k about anything. Just focus on things you can change. Stop eating crappy processed food, for instance, buy less plastic, vote for politicians who aren’t in big business’s pockets. This is basic stuff. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.

What isn’t basic is what we shouldn’t give a f**k about, starting with advice. Nothing creates more wrinkles and sagging than other people’s advice.

REALLY, F**K ADVICE.

Bukowski once told people to give up writing. “If you’re not good at it, quit,” he said. Except he wasn’t good when he started. One day he picked up a book by John Fante called “Ask the Dust.” It changed him completely. He started writing like Fante, thinking like Fante. Eventually, he developed his own alter ego, Henry “Hank” Chinaski, and the rest is history.

It started as a personal deception, in other words, and once Bukowski was Chinaski, the world opened up. His alter ego became him. He could say what he wanted, do what he wanted, and all the blame fell on Chinaski.

You could say Bukowski became successfully delusional. That’s not the same as not giving a f**k. Delusion is far more tactical and constructive.

KARAOKE IS HEALTHY (EVEN IF YOU SUCK)

It’s not a crime to suck at something. If you enjoy doing it, go nuts. Karaoke, for example. You’re not a good singer. You’ll never be a good singer. It’s still fun thinking you are, right? Nothing’s more age-resistant than believing the impossible, even if you sound like Tom Waits with his balls in a wringer.

You see, believing is far healthier than not giving a f**k, even if your belief system is severely f**ked up. Take my earlier example. I know I’m not forty. My body knows I’m not forty. Still, if I tell my body enough times I’m forty, it starts to believe me. It might even hold off on the wrinkles.

That’s the great thing about delusion. If our bodies believes our lies, other people will, too. They may still laugh hysterically. Then again, laughter makes us all look younger. We’re doing everybody a favour.

He deluded himself into thinking he was Henry Chinaski. Once that happened, his writing flowed.

Let’s go back to Bukowski for a second. He deluded himself into thinking he was Henry Chinaski. Once that happened, his writing flowed. His books sold, they were made into movies. Bukowski ended up going to readings drunk. He’d tell people to f**k off, but it wasn’t him, it was Chinaski.

ALTER EGOS (NOT SO BAD)

Delusion is just an alter ego waiting to get out. Maybe you can’t stop worrying, but your alter ego can. In fact, alter egos are great at it. They replace all expectation with delusion. Think about that for a minute.

Expectations are what makes us old. Whenever you see someone with a down-turned mouth, they’ve either lived a life of tragedy, or they expected to be rich, successful and live happily ever after.

Instead of expecting everything to come their way, they simply make the best of a truly lousy situation.

Only there’s no such thing as happily ever after. Life’s a bitch. People who retain their looks know it’s a bitch. Instead of expecting everything to come their way, they simply make the best of a truly lousy situation.

You can’t control life any more than you can control your age. All you can do is delude yourself into thinking you’re young. It has nothing to do with expecting to stay young. It has everything to do with lying.

LIES AND WHY THEY BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF TRUTH

Believe it or not, our brains love lies. People who constantly lie probably live pretty exciting lives. Bernie Madoff may have been a pathological liar and cheat, but his life was never boring.

Your brain can’t sit through that kind of shit without thinking, “Hey, this idiot needs more wrinkles.”

Imagine how exciting that must be for his brain. I’m not saying go out and start a Ponzi scheme, but you could do something a little braver than watching a retrospective of “Friday the 13th”. Your brain can’t sit through that kind of shit without thinking, “Hey, this idiot needs more wrinkles.”

Which brings me back to the original premise of my article. I promised you 5 ways to stay beautiful and, like most people, you want those 5 ways laid out in short numbered paragraphs (like when I was selling the crap out of Replens).

Okay then, here are the 5 ways to stay beautiful:

• Lie about your age. Your brain would rather deal with falsehoods than listen to you obsess about your wrinkles. Most wrinkles are the result of your brain not giving a f**k anymore.
• Don’t try. I know Bukowski was bullshitting about this, but what he really meant was try less. Give yourself a break. Sing Karaoke. Sure you’re awful, but so’s everyone else. At least everyone’s having fun and probably feeling younger for it. Again, you’re doing them a favour.
• Read Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F**k.” It’s kind of a novelty book, which is good because it stops you from watching a retrospective of “Friday the 13th.” People who sit around saying “I almost crapped myself,” will be crapping themselves sooner than they realize.
• Think the impossible. Delusion is a fantasy and God knows we all need more fantasy in our lives (and I don’t mean Game of Thrones). Brains are big proponents of fantasy. Why do you think you have dreams? It’s your brain telling you to stop crapping yourself and live a little.
• Avoid expectation. Nothing makes you older than expecting happiness. Stick to delusion and you’ll be happy enough. The wrinkles won’t disappear, but they won’t grow like the San Andreas Fault, either. And, seriously, try Replens. Vaginal moisturizers are the best kept beauty secret of the 21st century. Why let your v-jay have all the fun?

Follow these five points above and you will stay beautiful. That’s if you’re reasonably beautiful to start with. If you’re not, at least you’ll age more gracefully. As a sixty-five-year-old, believe me, aging gracefully — even if you’re no prize — is better than watching a ravishing beauty fall apart.

Oh, and I don’t expect this to get curated. I’ve broken more rules than blood vessels in my eyes. I’ve lied, I’m delusional, and a few people (very few) think I’m forty. All good, in other words. Fuck, I’m cheating death.

Yes, I said fuck. No asterisks. We all know you’re saying fuck, Mark Manson. I just went along because I know you’re deluded.

I respect that. I respect the crap out of deluded people.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)”is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.