9 Ways To Give Moobs The Attention (And Love) They Deserve.

“She’d never before seen moobs so active and bouncy.” Nicky Elson, Vibrizzo

Maybe men are too shy — or embarrassed — to say this, but you’re missing one of our most erogenous zones. They may not look like sexual beacons of pleasure, but given the right attention, moobs (man boobs) can send men into orgasmic ecstasy — or at least make him yell a bit.

Sadly, though, women dismiss moobs.

They detour around them like a sinkhole on a Florida highway

It’s a sad testimony, often reflecting the believe that moobs are the property of couch denizens and gamers. Women want paving slabs, not a couple of “jigglies.” As one woman wrote on Ask Women, “If I wanted to play with floppy tits, I’d probably play with my own.”

“I’m not perfect either,” one woman admitted. “He is who he is, but he’s going to the gym starting Monday.”

Not that moobs are a definite turn-off. Responders weren’t saying they hatemoobs, just that they don’t like them particularly. “I’m not perfect either,” one woman admitted. “He is who he is, but he’s going to the gym starting Monday.”

No wonder moobs are left dangling, given less attention than a cuticle. But that can change. Nobody’s saying you have to adore your man’s moobs, but you could at least consider them approachable.

You might even be surprised by your man’s response, leading to him spend more time pleasuring your lady bits. Quid pro quo is still very much a part of our culture, so why not try a little moob love?

First thing you should know is that moobs respond to stimulation just like boobs. In fact, according to studies, blood flow can increase around the breast tissue by as much as 25% — 30 if you’re really trying.

Men being men, they’ll tell you they want it rougher, but you should probably leave nipple-biting till a later date, so he doesn’t jump out the window.

“Reddening of the skin on the breasts (moobs) and darkening of the aureoles are good signs she’s (he’s) into it,” Dr. Stephen de Witt said, stressing that doing it “in the moment” really pays off. He’s got other suggestions, too, which I’ve included below in what I think is a comprehensive approach to giving moobs the attention they deserve:

NOT ALL MOOBS ARE THE SAME.

“Some women (men) want breast stimulation in the form of soft teasing,” says sex expert Lora Somoza. “Others want it rougher.” Men being men, they’ll tell you they want it rougher, but you should probably leave nipple-biting till a later date, so he doesn’t jump out the window.

BE A TEASE.

“Kiss her (his) entire breast,” sexologist Jessica O’Reilly recommends. “Breathe over them provocatively, but don’t make physical contact until her (his) body is wreathing.” Just a side note: If your man doesn’t start wreathing, it’s possible he’s asleep. You might have to resort to waving a Budweiser — or crystal meth — under his nose.

START OUT GENTLY.

Start out by gently tracing your fingers around the outer edges, O’Reilly suggests. “Run your thumb lightly over her (his) nipples, while you breathe warm air over them.” If he starts laughing hysterically, you’ve found his ticklish spot, not his erogenous one. Stop briefly, then start again, warning him that you could be ironing or shaving your legs.

COMMUNICATE (ONCE THE BUDWEISER’S DONE).

Talking about what your man likes done to his moobs may not sound like the sexiest maneuver, but it will benefit both of you in the end. According to Dr. de Witt, while you’re touching or caressing his moobs, try saying things like “Do you like that? Does that turn you on?” If he grabs the remote, obviously it doesn’t. If he grabs a Bud, maybe it does.

LET HIM BE THE TEACHER.

Dr. de Witt also suggests turning the power over to him. You can say things like, “Touch yourself and show me what you want.” Another side note: If he’s already self-conscious about his moods, he’s not going to touch himself. You’re better off loading him up with beer. That way he’ll pretty much do anything short of humping the radiator.

PAY ATTENTION TO HIS REACTIONS AND BREATHING.

“Be aware of what’s going on with the rest of her (his) body,” Dr. de Witt says, which normally you wouldn’t, since when you do, he figures you’re up for it and gives you a Dutch Oven.

GETTING KINKY.

Once your man is comfortable with having his moobs touched, consider adding something along the lines of nipple clips. “That slight amount of pressure can be really hot,” Somoza says. While you’re tightening the clips, it might be a good time to remind him he hasn’t touched your boobs in months. Nipple clips can be very persuasive.

GOOD SENSATIONS.

Since there’s already a Budweiser handy, why not take a mouthful, then place your lips on his nipples. The fizziness will surround his nipple, sending him into sexual orbit. “It can be hot for a lot of women (men),” Somoza says. Ice cubes are good, too, although your man might complain about the bar ending up on his moobs instead of in his mouth.

A COMPLIMENT WOULDN’T HURT.

Nothing brings out a man’s horniness like being told you “love his moobs.” “Gently tease her (his) ladies,” Dr. O’Reilly advises. “With the right touch, you’ll turn good sex into great sex.” Calling a man’s moobs “ladies” might confuse the hell out of him, but he’s probably confused already. Try the nipple clips again. It’s not a compliment, but when was the last time he complimented you?

Final word: Don’t be afraid to experiment. Moobs are a new frontier for many couples. What works for some, may lead to divorce in others. Take your time, in other words. Try new things. The time could come when his moobs may actually excite you. Or maybe not.

He could still end up going to the gym on Monday.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)”is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.