A waste of thyme

Saw a kid standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing?

He told me he was just checking his balance.

Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?

A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

Why did the tomato blush? – Because it saw the salad dressing.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I’m still working on it

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

What do you call a dead parrot? Polygon

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED.

Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don’t be a BEACH.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Answer: ground beef.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a  waste of thyme.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

My friend could not afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

Where do mathematicians go to die?

The symmetry

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.