All I Want For Christmas Is My Thumb.

The weird and wacky story of the "thoe."

“Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn’t come from a store.” Dr. Seuss

Yeah, okay, it’s Christmas, so what, right? Where’s the tinkle in the tinsel, and good will towards men (okay, I meant women, too)? I’m already on my fourth re-run of Home Alone, and I ain’t feeling it. Why don’t Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern bounce when they fall? Maybe I’d feel more Christmassy if they did.

Nothing’s working, in other words. I’m worn out by impeachments, NAFA trade deals and Nancy Pelosi. “Isn’t Christmas more than this?” I hear the Grinch in my head say? Isn’t it time for some sort of redemptive good news?

Well, like anything you wish for at Christmas, it comes from strange places (chimneys come to mind). So let’s start off with “One snowy night…” and I’ll tell you the tale of wishes coming true.

Enter one Aiden Adkins of Carson City. He was making a gift for his girlfriend, and accidentally sawed off his left thumb. At first he thought it was a piece of wood flying through the air. Then he did a thumb count and realized he only had one. “I was sure I had two,” Aiden said, hoping to retrieve the other. The search proved unsuccessful, despite all the family looking — including the cat who may or may not have it stashed somewhere.

Emergency wards also get decorated for the season, whereas saviours and spirits sometimes show up in green smocks.

The lost of a thumb is when a saviour is supposed to appear, but Aiden went to Emergency instead, thinking saviours are always backed up this time of year. Emergency wards also get decorated for the season, whereas saviours and spirits sometimes show up in green smocks.

That’s what happened in Aiden’s case. He was sent to The University of Michigan Medical Center. Next thing you know, he’s walking out with a “thoe,” a true miracle, despite sounding like Santa Claus with a lisp.

Yes, folks, the “thoe” exists, and not just in the imaginations of little boys and girls. The “thoe” is a complicated reconstructive procedure replacing a severed thumb with, you guessed it, a toe.

I say “complicated” because toes and thumbs don’t go together like Prancer and Dancer. A great deal is involved linking what is a cornucopia of tendons, vessels, muscles and skin.

Get it wrong and your thumb will go off chasing soccer balls.

It’s a weird jigsaw puzzle of sorts, requiring two surgical teams, one harvesting the toe and the other preparing the hand for transfer. Some liken it joining everything in a cable box, except with toes and thumbs, you have to be extra careful. Get it wrong and your thumb will go off chasing soccer balls.

The surgeons in this case were extra careful, and the operation was a success. Aiden got his “thoe” and he’s thrilled to be a two-thumbed guy again.

“Everything looks good,” he said. “I’ll be giving the thumbs up in no time.”

Aiden is lucky. The usual method of “thoe construction” is to use the big toe. It’s about the same size as the thumb. In Aiden’s case, they went with the index toe, so Aiden could keep his balance. We forget how important the big toe is for balance. Without it, we topple over like badly-trimmed Christmas trees.

Losing the index toe was no big deal to Aiden. It’s more of a backup for the big toe, anyway, sort of a vice president. Nobody wants the index toe kicking soccer balls around, any more than we want vice presidents becoming presidents.

Besides, the big toe does make a nice thumb, as hairdresser, Philip Colello, found out when he lost his thumb to a table saw. He spent six months without a thumb before undergoing “thoe” reconstruction. “It was a pain,” Colello said. “Instead of having your hand to hold something, I had to clamp it.”

“It’s like sewing together a chopped chive with a human hair,” Dr. Simon Talbot, of Brigham Women’s Hospital said.

The procedure was a first for St. Francis Hospital in Connecticut, but it was a success, too. Colello admitted the loss of his big toe took some getting used to. “I lose my balance a lot easier,” he said. The other problem is his new thumb. “It doesn’t bend like my real thumb,” he said, “the thumb I was born with.”

Movability is always a problem, but it can rectified with rehabilitation and thumb wars. Sometimes surgeons do special nerve or muscle splicing. “It’s like sewing together a chopped chive with a human hair,” Dr. Simon Talbot, of Brigham Women’s Hospital said. “It may be the pinnacle of microsurgery.”

The “thoe” is a miracle, in other words, proving wishes really do come true.

There’s also some history to the “thoe,” going back to ancient times, even before all that “baby in a manger” business in Bethlehem.

On an archeological dig near Luxor Egypt, a female mummy was discovered with a prosthetic toe made from wood and leather. Based on the wear and tear, the woman did a lot of walking — and maybe even played a bit of soccer.

An Austrian surgeon, Carl Nicoladoni, performed the first toe-to-thumb by connecting a man’s hand to his foot at the base of the great toe.

But let’s get back to the “thoe” we know today. It actually got started back in 1897. An Austrian surgeon, Carl Nicoladoni, performed the first toe-to-thumb by connecting a man’s hand to his foot at the base of the great toe.

Okay, I know it sounds, well, Frankenstein-ish. The reason is to restore circulation with a familiar host. Now, this being 1897, they had to leave the guy with his hand attached to his foot for a few weeks. Eventually, though, Nicoladoni cut the toe from the foot, creating the first “thoe.”

“Thoes” have obviously come a long way since then. Patients don’t have to spend weeks hunched over, attached to their foot, for one thing. For another, with time and practice, despite toe jokes, the “thoe” can be totally functional.

In Collelo’s case, most of the feeling has back. Aiden Atkins is making a good recovery as well. After months of rehabilitation, he’s throwing his thumbs up all over the place.

Kelly Nye, an occupational therapist at the Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Hospital to WKRN Radio that Adkin’s thumb “bends and straightens pretty well.”

Atkins is “super pumped on how things are going,” and expects to be back woodworking, although maybe not in time for Christmas.

“That’s the most motion I’ve seen out of a toe-to-thumb transfer,” Nye said.

Atkins is “super pumped on how things are going,” and expects to be back woodworking, although maybe not in time for Christmas.

In any case, at this festive time of year, we need miracles. The “thoe” is among the weirdest, but strangely impressive. It’s the “mistlethoe,” of table saw addicts, and a happy reminder that science can make wishes come true.

I’m still thinking the cat should be looked at more closely. The fingers of time reveal all, as they say.

Until then, Happy Mistlethoe.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)”is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.