Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago · 2 min. reading time · ~100 ·

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Because Being Useless is Not Sexy, Not Manly, Not Desirable

Because Being Useless is Not Sexy, Not Manly, Not Desirable

Because Being Useless is Not Sexy, Not Manly, Not Desirable

Rod Loader inspired this post and, indeed, this hive. That is not to say that Rod is useless, unmanly, and undesirable. It's just that Rod posted an article describing in great comedic detail his attempt at making pancakes. It was funny as hell but poignant too. Rod has that habit. His posts often make me think and laugh at the same time.

It’s a great talent of his. It’s probably one of many. Apparently, cooking is not one of them.

In a comment on that post, I mentioned I would start a hive to help men be better in the kitchen.

Today, I start.

About me

Most people know me as a Ghostwriter. True, I am such. I am also a Culinary School chef trained in both Professional Cooking and Pastry. I have owned and operated 2 restaurants and a bakery.  

More importantly, at heart, I’m a lazy sonovabitch who happens to love to cook.

Professional techniques make excellent things easier and faster. They are how 2 pros in a kitchen can put out 150 meals per shift.

That’s what we need here, the simplicity.

Professional techniques are also easier on the wallet. Any arsehole can make a tender Kobé steak. I’ll show you how to make the divine with more down-to-earth ingredients. Some chefs are ingredient snobs. I’m not.

The “Cooking for Men and other Culinary-Challenged People” hive is not just for men. Ladies are more than welcome. Just know that you are in Man Talk territory.

I have disabled my “Politically-Correct" filters.

‘Nuff said.

You have certain advantages

In general, men are physically strong than women. In general, men are more used to tools and their proper use. In general, men have no bad habits in the kitchen. Okay, in general, most don’t have good habits  either.

You also have big-assed disadvantages

Your first disadvantage is your brain. You think you suck in the kitchen. Know that you do not. You do stuff every day that is far more complicated than cooking.

You just never learned how.

That changes today.

You second big disadvantage only applies if you share the kitchen with your significant other. Chances are you don’t have the tools you need.

We’re guys. We like our tools. (Get your minds out of the gutter, ladies) 

We understand the importance of using the proper tool for the job at hand.

Your biggest tool-related problem is a knife.

Because Being Useless is Not Sexy, Not Manly, Not Desirable
I don’t know why, but women seem to love tiny blades. Worse, they seem to like them dull.

Small knives are dangerous knives.

Dull knives are even more dangerous.

Small dull knives are an accident looking for a place to happen.

You need to buy a knife. While you’re at it, buy a sharpener for it. I don’t mean a steel. I mean a knife sharpener.

This is not the time to go all Tim-the-Tool-Man on us. Don’t buy a 16” chef’s knife. A good chef’s knife, 8 to 10 inches long is perfect. My go-to knife for home use is 8-inches.

Don’t go bonkers and mortgage your home either. Forget all the bullshit about stamped knives vs. forged knives. The manufacturing process is not as important as the steel used.

Because Being Useless is Not Sexy, Not Manly, Not Desirable

If you live in a major metropolitan area, there will be restaurant supply houses nearby. Find them. Talk to the people there.

An 8-inch knife stamped of great steel should cost about $30. The sharpener should cost $15 to $20.

Here’s where I make Americans and Brits cry

For what we need to do, the Imperial system sucks. (Please refer to my stated warning. You have entered a man-talk zone)

I’ll include Imperial measures as applicable, but you need to go metric. You don’t need to learn the metric system, though.

Hold off on your judgment for now. You’ll understand why soon.

Here’s where I make everyone cry

Go out and buy a digital scale. Don’t buy an expensive one. You can buy a good, accurate scale for under $20. The one I use most often regularly goes on promotion for $10.

Because Being Useless is Not Sexy, Not Manly, Not Desirable
Pick one that can weigh in grams and has a capacity of 5kg/11lbs. It will be your lifesaver.

It’s also how you can use the benefits of the metric system without needing to learn it. If a recipe calls for 150 grams of something, just weigh it out until the screen reads 150. Easy.

Why a scale?

Cooking is applied chemistry. Soon enough, you will be tossing a little bit of this with a touch of that. For now, precision makes things easier.

Cups, tablespoons, etc are horrible. Also, a UK tablespoon is not the same as an American tablespoon. Grams are universal.

Solving Rod’s Pancake Problem

Let’s make pancakes the Lazy Man way. The description sounds more complicated than it is. I repeat a lot.

Put a frying pan on medium to medium-high heat. Do not oil it.

Grab your blender. You know, the thing you make Frozen Margaritas with. If you don’t have one, a mixing bowl will do.

  • Put the blender’s pitcher or your bowl on the scale. Turn it on. The scale will show 0 grams. It ignored the container’s weight.
  • Start with the dry stuff. Dump flour in until the scale reads 190. There you go. You just used the metric system!
  • Hit the zero or tare button on the scale until reads 0 again. Add 14 grams of baking powder.
  • Add a pinch of salt. That means exactly what it sounds like.
  • Add a teaspoon of sugar. It’s 4g if you must know, but precision here is not important.
  • Zero the scale and add 30g of vegetable oil or melted butter. If you feel nervous, measure the wet stuff in a separate container.
  • Break and add two eggs. FYI: Break them on a flat surface, not the bowl’s edge. They’ll break easier and cleaner that way.
  • Zero the scale and add 360g (about 1 1/2 cups) of milk. If you like your pancakes thick, cut down to 340g.
  • Fire up the blender. It should take about 30 seconds to mix. You want to make sure there are no lumps of dry flour.
  • By now, your pan is ready or nearly so. Pour some batter directly from the blender onto the pan.
  • When the wet side is bubbly, flip the pancake over. It only takes a couple of minutes per side.

You may have noticed that the first part of the recipe is, in effect, pancake mix. I make a bunch of it and store it in zip-lock bags, 208 grams per bag.

Then it’s just empty the bag, add the wet stuff and I’m good to go.

If you have any extra batter, make a few pancakes that are about the size of a slice of toast. Freeze them. They'll go from freezer to toaster to plate in minutes.



Because Being Useless is Not Sexy, Not Manly, Not Desirable
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Comments

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #24

#30
Heston Blumenthal is a Chef's Chef. I doubt he would put his name on them if they were crap. There is no way to tell if they are by just looking. I have a gorgeous knife that I won in a competition. It came in a lovely wooden box lined in purple velvet. It belongs more in a living room than a kitchen. It's also a piece of shit. My knives are ugly utilitarian beasts. I don't display them.

Louise Smith

7 years ago #23

HI Paul Croubalian, I just saw an ad for these knives http://www.tojiro.co.uk/ SOme of these are similar to Global with complete handle(Supreme) range and some have extra handle.Plus they have a sharpener. They look pretty good.

Louise Smith

7 years ago #22

http://www.tojiro-japan.com/products/554/

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #21

#24
I get it, Louise Smith. My wife says she's 5'2" (maybe in lowish heels) and finds my knives unbalanced. The fact that she doesn't hold them properly is a completely different question. Properly means the thumb and forefinger pinch the blade while the other fingers curl around the handle.

Louise Smith

7 years ago #20

#23
Yes Your comment #17 is what my #18 is referring to. Now your comment #20 is what this comment #23 is referring to... You #17 Most guys will be using their wives' pans. Me#18 If they have wife or wives??? You #20 it's wives' not wife's. Guys is plural so wives matches. Unless they are all sharing the same woman, which would be too kinky for this medium. Me #23 yes I assumed guys was plural in your comment but it's hard to see the apostrophe in this small font size! So had to ask the singular guys question!!!

Louise Smith

7 years ago #19

Paul Croubalian If you mouse over the # a comment bubble shows you the previous comment which the current comment it is referring to So mouse over My #23 and the bubble brings up Your #20.

Louise Smith

7 years ago #18

#23
Yes Your comment #17 is what my #18 is referring to. Now your comment #20 is what this comment #23 is referring to... You #17 Most guys will be using their wives' pans .Me#18 If they have wife or wives??? You #20 it's wives' not wife's. Guys is plural so wives matches. Unless they are all sharing the same woman, which would be too kinky for this medium. Me #23 yes I assumed guys was plural in your comment but it's hard to see the apostrophe in this small font size! So had to ask the singular guys question!!!

Louise Smith

7 years ago #17

#22
You know Paul Paul Croubalian I have never thought of them as pretty. I think of them as utilitarian. I am 4'12" and have a small frame and so small sized hands. Not good for piano playing either. So I find the Global knife no handle grip really suits that. I can get a good grip!

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #16

#20
Louise Smith: If your comment refers to "Most guys will be using their wives' pans," it's wives' not wife's. Guys is plural so wives matches. Unless they are all sharing the same woman, which would be too kinky for this medium.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #15

#21
Louise Smith I took a look. They do indeed fit the bill. They are a little too pretty for my tastes, though. My knifes are ugly utilitarian beasts

Louise Smith

7 years ago #14

Global knives are the best! They have sharpeners too for people who can't get an edge! They are more hygienic as no bacteria can hide and thrive in between the handle and the blade. My brother gave me one a few decades ago when my ex left taking the only good knife with him. This was hilarious and spiteful 'cause he couldn't and didn't and wouldn't cook! Can't beat 1000's of years of Samurai Steel http://www.globalknives.com.au/

Louise Smith

7 years ago #13

#18
If they have wife or wives???

Louise Smith

7 years ago #12

#5
Phil Friedman Good idea to start with the easy stuff!

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #11

#17
fry pans/sautee pans are one thing... general cooking pans another. I'm not a huge fan of cast iron. I like big pans and cast is too heavy in a 14-16" size. Fry pans I consider as consumables. If you find one that lasts a couple of years before warping you've done well. I might well go into pans etc. But Most guys will be using their wives' pans.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #10

#13
FYI: Kevin Buckley , The reply to your question needed more than I could fit in a comment. It is the subject of the second post on this Hive, https://www.bebee.com/producer/@paul-croubalian/knife-care-steel-versus-pull-sharpener . Thanks for the inspiration!

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #9

#13
Great question, Kevin Buckley. A steel is not really for sharpening. It brings back a edge. Tough to explain without illustrations. I might create them later. The other big issue is that if it is not properly used it will cause more harm to the blade than anything else. Modern pull sharpeners like the one shown here will do both jobs with little chance of damaging the blade.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #8

#7
Kevin Buckley Okay that has been added to the list of things to make. Thanks, Kevin

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #7

#10
LOL, Brian McKenzie I will mention ml but they aren't used as much. Nearly everything is in grams. The reason is simple... cut waste. To do that you need accuracy and a simple means of scaling up or down. Grams do both. You don't need to learn Metric, just set the scale to grams and go by the numbers. In my bakery, every workstation had an LCD that would show the recipe for the exact quantity required. A 30Kg (66lbs) bread dough recipe would rarely have more than 100g (3oz) waste.

Phil Friedman

7 years ago #6

#6
You have me on that, I used to go to a cafe in downtown Toronto called Papillon, where they served a thicker, browner style crepe which I was told originated in Quebec. And upon request, would fill a couple from their pot of beef bourguignon. To my palate, which I admit is about at the level of appreciating Kosher hot dogs, these crepes were exquisite.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #5

#5
What Phil Friedman? No, Tourtiere du Lac St-Jean or a traditional six-paille? Those paper-thin crepes are advanced, but boeuf bourguignon isn't. Why not? Or should​ we ease into it with a Beef Stroganoff first?

Phil Friedman

7 years ago #4

#4
I would like to learn to make a Quebecois style crepe stuffed with beef Bourguignon and tiny little onions.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #3

#3
I dunno, Jahanara Hoque. Pictures of pancakes aren't very interesting. Maybe when we get to fancier stuff... assuming we ever do. Let's put it out there. What do we talk about next? What do people want to learn about? Or should I just wing it?

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #2

#1
LOL, Thanks Phil Friedman (I think)

Phil Friedman

7 years ago #1

Paul Croubalian, don't worry. You are no doubt useful in the kitchen, but in no danger of being sexy. :-D Seriously, I like both the theme and the look of this impending series. And will be following it. Perhaps, you'll end up with a cable network show -- which I will watch, as the first ever starring someone I would not cross the street to avoid meeting. Cheers!

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