Robert Cormack

6 years ago · 3 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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Dating Advice: Be Careful Role-Playing in Cattle Country.

Dating Advice: Be Careful Role-Playing in Cattle Country.

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"Some trails are happy ones, others are blue, it's the way you ride the trail that counts, here's a happy one for you," Happy Trails to You, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans

What happens when your state has more cattle than women? Let’s just say everyone thinks a bit differently — and I suspect cattle do, too. Cattle outnumber women 26:1 in Wyoming, giving them a clear advantage over women when it comes to a man’s attention. Men are definitely torn, but it doesn’t seem to make them any less amorous or hedonistic.

In a study done by OkCupid, 350,000 people were asked about role-playing rape fantasies. As the inaugural post pointed out, states differ greatly on this subject — even ones right next door to each other. Wyoming came out strongly in favor of rape role-playing — South Dakota strongly against it. In fact, Wyoming was the only cattle state that gave a definite “yes” to the question.

Montana, North Dakota and Minnesota thought role-playing should be kept in theatres. Wisconsin, a dairy state, and no stranger to artificial insemination (the ultimate fisting), felt variety should be limited to cheeses and milk byproducts.

Sexual role-playing is a tricky business. Cross state lines and you could find yourself in cuffs (and not the good kind). Even the question “Would you date someone just for the sex?” drew similar disparities. Again, Wyomingites were all for it. Utah and Nebraska were against. Utah said “no” for religious reasons, Nebraska said “no” because they can’t even get sex education taught in the schools. Sexual role-playing is like a leap from kindergarten to a master’s degree.

I have a friend down in Wyoming, an accountant by trade. When George isn’t tallying numbers, he likes to fish and photograph elk. His wife, Helen, shares his interests, although me calling and asking about sex and role-playing drew very different responses. “What’s wrong with you?” Helen said. She passed the phone to George who was more willing to talk, even if it cut into his elk time.

“Interesting question,” George said. “I thought Nebraska would be all for it. It’s been a long winter. Nothing wrong with role-playing — ” I could hear Helen smacking him across the head, “ — between two consenting adults, of course. How many people responded to this study, anyway?”

I told him quite a few — I mean, I don’t know how 350,000 respondents breaks out by state, but obviously George wasn’t satisfied. “Shouldn’t you be looking at national census numbers instead of some dating site?” he asked.

“They got over 300,000 respondents on most questions,” I said. “Gallup only drew 3,050 responses in the 2008 federal election. You’d know that if you weren’t so busy taking pictures of elk.”

“Why would I follow dating sites?” George asked. “I’m a happily married man. What’re you picking on Wyoming for, anyway?”

“Why are you guys so interested in sex and rape fantasy?”

“Who says we are?” he exclaimed. “We’re Republicans, for cryin’ out loud.”

“What’s that got to do with it?”

“We vote together on all issues. How do you think Trump got elected?”

“So sexual role-playing is just a sign of Republican solidarity?”

“Probably,” George said. “I doubt you’d find a rape fantasist within a hundred miles of here.”

“Where are they then?”

“How would I know?” he yelled. “We satisfy ourselves with Netflix. And who told you we have 26 cattle for every woman?”

“National statistic,” I said.

“That doesn’t make us rape fantasists. And stop thinking this has anything to do with cattle. You’re barking up the wrong tree!”

He hung up before I could ask anything else. Obviously, hedonism doesn’t cross state lines the way political support does. Republicans may agree on who’s presidential material, but not sex, or even the stability achieved by standing during sex like cattle and the majority of elk.

Maybe Wyoming knows something other states don’t. I went online and asked if Wyomingites connect sex with animal husbandry. I got the same response Helen gave: “What’s wrong with you?” One person said it might be compensating for all the cow tipping they did in their youth. “We have a lot to answer for,” he said. “You tipped a frigging cow?” a woman shot back.

All in all, I doubt I got to the bottom of this issue. Dating and sexual fantasies apparently aren’t limited to political parties or number of cattle. South Dakota has four cattle for every person. They don’t go around fantasizing about rape, although they may be kinkier than people realize (George and Helen, anyway).

RoadSnacks magazine came out with the 10 kinkiest cities in South Dakota based on the purchase of sex toys per person. Sioux Falls topped the list (1.27 per 1,000 people) followed by Spearfish and Aberdeen. Maybe they’re better with toys than fantasy, or maybe they’re just bad Republicans.

I know George is going to call back, giving me grief again for picking on the Midwest. Rather than suffer his wrath — and Helen’s — I should point out that sexual fantasies vary widely in other parts of the world as well.

When OkCupid polled Europe with the same role-playing question, Britain gave an overwhelming “no,” while Lithuania overwhelmingly said “yes.” Neither of these countries are cattle states, so I guess cattle aren’t the issue. Maybe these countries just like to keep their kink — or lack of it — to themselves.

I’d still check the map before telling anyone your sexual fantasies in the Midwest, though. No point throwing your proclivities around where they aren’t wanted.

Let’s just say it’s better to know the lay of the land first. You can always find the kinky ones later.

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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Comments

Robert Cormack

6 years ago #5

It's a tough deal counting cows in NZ, Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee. They always circle so they're counted twice (much like Republicans).#7
Laughing loudly. How many sheep do they have?

Robert Cormack

6 years ago #3

I never thought of predicting elections by cows, but it could work, @Micahel O'Neil. Good idea.#5

Robert Cormack

6 years ago #2

#2
Yeah, well, it's always what people don't say that scares me. Thanks, Brian McKenzie

Robert Cormack

6 years ago #1

Sheep are always pissed, Todd Jones. It's what they do.#1

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