Dating Advice: Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Lying (Or Playing Dead).

“Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.” Christine McVie, Fleetwood Mac

I don’t have anything against lying. It’s gotten me out of a lot of tight jams — several marriages, in fact. I’ve only been married once, but it would have been worse if I hadn’t lied. That’s why so many people are married. They never learned to lie well enough or play dead. I’ve been dead nine times.

My friend George, accountant and elk photographer out in Wyoming, is also a big proponent of playing dead. Unfortunately, he’s married now. His wife, a very sound and deafeningly quiet person, liked him playing dead. The silence in their house is hard to handle. Sometimes I go down there just to brush up on playing dead. We don’t talk for days.

The research didn’t mention this, of course, because they produce more tosh than anyone.

But let’s get back to lying. It’s absolutely rampant on dating sites these days. You’d be hard-pressed to find a single profile that doesn’t have one fib. According to Russ Ruggles, who blogs for Online Dating Matchmaker, we only do it in the interest of desirability. Men, for example, tend to exaggerate their height. Women tend to exaggerate their thinness.

In a study done by OpinionMatters, 53% of respondents admitted they lied on their profiles. The other 47% were lying. The research didn’t mention this, of course, because they produce more tosh than anyone.

By definition, lying is a way of distracting others from knowing the truth. We do it because the truth is, well, pretty boring. Our lives are pretty boring. If lying makes them seem less boring, we do it the same way people get Botox injections. It’s not a complete lie. We have lips.

Looks are secondary, although they won’t say no to a six-pack with manners.

Outside of being pretty boring, we’re also worried about the alarming decay of our attractiveness. Take men, for example. When men are twenty, they’re looking at women who are twenty-two years old. By the time men are fifty-five, they’re looking at 47-year-olds.

Men don’t think they necessarily age better than women. They’re simply what’s known as “reachers.” They’re going after something better. And since men initiate 81% of messaging on dating sites, they go for the “new nubile,” since the “old nubile” is decaying at an alarming rate.

Women can be “reachers,” too, only they’re more interested in finding someone who’s “active, loyal and knows how to treat a lady.” Looks are secondary, although they won’t say no to a six-pack with manners.

For all we know, she’s still down there, doing yoga and talking to coconuts.

Now, here’s the problem with all this lying. It makes us judgmental. We see all these wonderfully slim, healthy, overly active people, and they become our barometer. If we meet someone who isn’t all of the above, we ain’t interested. We dismiss them as not-quite-perfect candidates. Pretty soon, nobody’s perfect, and we start playing dead right there during coffee dates.

People play dead online, too. Their profiles remain, but they themselves, have lost the spark. Like the woman who bragged about getting 200 messages the first day she signed onto OkCupid. Why is she still there a year later? She went on dates, she got disheartened, she went to Cancun. For all we know, she’s still down there, doing yoga and talking to coconuts.

Saying you’re six feet may get you to the alter, but the truth always comes out when you’re hanging pictures.

Michigan State University did a study which found that 28% of online relationships break down in their first year. Seems exaggerating the truth or pure prevarication comes back to haunt you. Saying you’re six feet may get you to the alter, but the truth always comes out when you’re hanging pictures.

So if lying isn’t the answer, what is? The answer goes back to what our mother’s told us before our first date. “Just be yourself,” she’d say, checking our underwear, and sniffing to see if we used mouthwash.

She placed great faith in our attributes, since she gave them to us, and most mothers think a lot of themselves. The fact that we’re still single is a big disappointment, but not irreversible. We can still be ourselves, even if we’re boring. What’s the worst that can happen? We end up with someone equally as boring, which is what happened to George and his wife. They don’t even know they’re boring anymore. They have to ask each other if they’re playing dead. If they’re not, they go out and photograph elk.

There’s a lot of logic in being yourself — especially online these days. The whole purpose is to set yourself apart. That’s why you lied in the first place. Telling the truth, being yourself, puts you in a different category altogether. You’re no longer competing with others since everyone else is lying. That gives you a clear field.

Not that you won’t get fibbers and a few who can’t hang pictures. But you’ll also get dates who won’t screw up their faces or sneak out the back of Starbucks.

As I mentioned off the top, I like to think my lying has kept me out of a few marital logjams.

I passed this by George the other week. He, in turn, passed it by Martha who was on the rug either reading or playing dead. “Ha,” she laughed, which is a good sign if you’re playing dead, or living in the state of Wyoming. “You being honest?” she said. “That’ll be the day.”

I didn’t say it wouldn’t take some work. As I mentioned off the top, I like to think my lying has kept me out of a few marital logjams. I’d still like to try this honesty approach — even if Martha thinks it’s a hoot, and George must agree, since they were both laughing when I hung up.

I must be onto something if they’re laughing. Nobody laughs in Wyoming — not unless someone like me says he’s going to start being honest. “You crack me up,” Martha howled just before I hung up. They could be laughing for days over this. You can’t take pictures of elk when you’re laughing. Elk don’t mind a certain amount of levity. But it’s rare in Wyoming.

Just like honesty is rare on dating sites. I think it could work, though. At least it’s different. Martha thinks so, anyway. It gave her a giggle.

Robert Cormack is novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.