Dating Advice: Hey, It's Okay to Talk About Golden Showers. Seriously.

After my divorce, I waited four long years before I started dating again. Considering my marriage only lasted three years, I might have been overly cautious. I guess I thought my friends would set me up — or at least point me in the right direction. Either there were no eligible females or — like our family dog — my friends never learned to point.

Pointing is a lost art, something akin to water-witching. Nobody points anymore. If they do, they point to the internet, saying, “My sister met her husband on OkCupid. So did my best friend’s sister.”

I’ve yet to meet any of these sisters. They’re obviously too happily married to go outside and, since they won’t come outside, I’ve had to join a dating site to see if there are any sisters left. In fact, my first question to any potential date is: “Do you have any sisters?”

Well, yes, they have sisters, no, their sisters aren’t available, no, their sisters won’t be available soon. When I tell them my calendar is pretty much open if their sisters come available between now and 2040, they inevitably say “What kind of man are you?” Well, I’ll be an old one in 2040, I’ll tell you that.

Obviously, this isn’t the way to approach a date. I keep asking myself “Am I going about this wrong?” I’ve even asked some female friends to give me an honest critique. “You said what?” they’ll ask, shaking their heads like they’ve never made a move on someone’s family member before.

In any event, I’m not one to run around in circles (like our dog). Rather than do that, I hit the internet to find out what dates really want. To my surprise — and possibly every researcher working in social sciences — the present data on what turns women off and on is quite extraordinary.

OkCupid put out a piece titled: “In 2017, Trump Is a Major Dating Deal Breaker. Golden Showers Are Not.” Now this went way beyond what I understand about dating. If I’d known women were into golden showers, I’d have left sisters off the table entirely. Imagine reading this line: “Daters today are more willing to compromise on golden showers than they are on Trump. Seriously.”

Talk about opening up new territory. I mean, elect one misogynist to the presidency, and suddenly nobody needs toilets anymore. If women would rather discuss golden showers than Donald Trump, I’m all for it. I just wish I understood where all this is coming from. The presidency is little more than a month in, and outside of some protests and Kellyanne Conway losing her legs in Trump’s couch, now we have women actually liking golden showers?

Keep in mind, this isn’t word-on-the street research. OkCupid received nearly 270,000 responses (which I think is all the members they’ve got). In terms of deal breakers, 74% answered “Hell no” to the question: “Would you discuss Trump with a prospective date?” Only 4% answered “Hell yes.” To be fair, those answering in the affirmative have been on OkCupid most of their adult lives, and still think Trump is doing “The Apprentice.”

Researchers spent a lot of time on this report, delving into everything from building walls ( 100% said “Hell no”) to the culpability of Russia in the last presidential election (45%, not enough evidence, 36%, “Hell yes”).

But the most shocking response came from the question: “Would you consider discussing golden showers with your prospective partners?” Nearly a quarter of the respondents claimed a golden shower was either a “turn-on,” or they could be convinced to try it out. The central takeaway here? More singles say they are willing to get pissed on than support Trump.

In any case, I’d like to be clear on the specifics. I’ve already annoyed enough women asking about their sisters. I don’t want to compound it by urinating on someone. I also don’t want my female friends saying, “You did what?” like they’ve never urinated on anyone before.

Men — me included — are already out of our depth figuring out what women want. Getting two years community service for “trying something a little different” isn’t going to help our self esteem one little bit. Nor are we going to be happy with pins saying “No, Means No Pissing.”

I would strongly suggest OkCupid set out some ground rules, listing in detail what represents the proper etiquette for golden showers, starting with how you approach this on your date. Some suggestions have been provided below (since I’m not getting anywhere with sisters).

1) Hold off bringing up golden showers until you’ve established a congenial rapport. Going straight to urination may be considered too forward — not to mention indictable.

2) Never force the subject further than your date is prepared to go. If you ask if she likes golden showers and she calls security, you’ve obviously passed her comfort level.

3) Be sensitive to your date’s concerns. Maybe she’s had a bad golden shower experience with her last boyfriend — or maybe she’s still having a bad golden shower experience with her last boyfriend.

4) Don’t jump the gun. Just because she says she’s willing to “consider” a golden shower, doesn’t mean she wants it right away. Finish your dinner and go home first, and never say something like “Well, my bladder’s full now.” You could end up getting kicked in the bladder (which means you’ll be giving yourself a golden shower).

5) Even if you’re both into golden showers, there’s a time and a place for everything. Don’t think her agreeing means she wants to be pissed on just anywhere. Agree on a place and time — and never suggest “over the drain in the basement.” It may be practical, but you’re going to get smacked.

6) Never get up and leave after a golden shower. It may be okay after sex, but expecting her to clean up urine is just bad form. Always lend a helping hand — even if she says, “When the hell did I say I wanted a golden shower!!?”

7) Who’s pissing on who? This is critical, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t want to be drinking three Big Gulps in a row and find out I’m the receiver. This should be established right off the top — preferably in writing.

I’m sure more can be added to this, but at least we have a starting point. If you have more to add — don’t contact me — send it to OkCupid. I only want to hear from women with sisters who are available or into…well, you know.

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist, blogger and journalist. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details. Coming soon (hopefully) my collection of short stories “Would You Mind Not Talking to Me?”