Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago · 4 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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Harness The Power of Forgiveness

Harness The Power of Forgiveness

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Every one of us walks through life a little wounded. We have all had experiences that left us feeling as though we were robbed of something, or negatively changed in some way. For some of us, those experiences were unthinkably sinister, or at the very least, just plain nasty. It doesn’t matter if your experience was worse than someone else’s, or if you feel you are justified in holding onto anger and resentment. What matters is that you give yourself the opportunity to move forward in a healthy way and focus on thoughts and emotions that serve you. Negativity never serves you very well.

I sometimes meet people who have been holding onto anger and resentment for most of their lives and consequently, have a myriad of physical and mental health issues. In many ways, they deny themselves the opportunity to have healthy relationships and live a fulfilling life. A shift in perspective allows people to let go, so I will attempt to support that shift in this blog.

The most misunderstood thought around forgiveness is that it in some way sets the offender free.

Forgiveness is not about being okay with the offending behaviour. It does not give permission to the other person to reoffend and it is not an acceptance of the excuses offered by the offender. It is simply an unwillingness to allow the past to colour your present. Remember, you get to choose your thoughts and emotions around every single circumstance in your life. Resentment is disempowering. Forgiveness allows you to get on with your life in a productive way.

Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness.

Forgiving someone does not make you a doormat or a weak person in any way. There is probably nothing more empowering than being able to say that you have made a choice to not let your past experiences define you. In doing so, you get to define who you are, what you are, how you are and what you stand for. You get to stand tall and move forward without the past coming back to haunt you, because the buck stops with you.

You have to make peace with things you cannot change.

There are many things in life that we cannot control or change, so we must make peace with them. I can tell you from my personal experience, that I can fully see how those who have transgressed against me have shaped my future in a positive way. The trials of my earlier relationships set me on a path that has led me to where I am today, helping people and inspiring them to change the way they think so they can live a more fulfilling life. I feel like I have been called to do this work, but I would not have anything to offer without those experiences. Nevertheless, it could have gone the other way. I could have allowed myself to be consumed with anger and resentment, and I’ll admit that for a while, I was, but I learned to let it go. I learned to look for the wisdom behind my experiences. There is always something positive to glean from your experiences if you take time to reflect without judgement. My reflection taught me the value of being true to myself and of being kind in my thoughts and emotions about my life. My journey continues to offer me a variety of experiences to appreciate, even if they are sometimes uncomfortable.

People seldom reflect on the effect bad behaviour has on the transgressor.

The worst transgressors are usually good at manipulating the truth to support a more positive public image. Those who deliberately bring harm to you have a reputation to protect, after all. They need to weave a story that downplays their actions, makes them look innocent in some way, or that makes you look deserving of the bad behaviour. There will always be people who believe them, but what’s interesting is that they ultimately created a situation where they have to be afraid of you. Suddenly, they have to control relationships and wonder who you told and what you said. That’s one side of the problem they created for themselves. The other is that as they watch you live through the repercussions of their actions, there is a certain emotional burden they must deal with if they have any conscience at all. Either way, they created an emotional hell for themselves. In this way they unwittingly give power back to their victims.

Think of all the drunk drivers who have killed people, the wife beaters, rapists, child molesters, con artists and such. You cannot feel sorry for them, but boy do they have an emotional burden to live with. Imagine the self-contempt they wake up with and try to hide from the world. That’s the thought that will allow you to take a step back and rethink your decision to go through life as a victim. It’s a beginning, anyway, but you really don’t want to go through life with some sense of smug satisfaction, either.

Moving past all of it means focusing on your own well-being, not your misery or victimhood.

Forgiveness is the only antidote for the poison brought to you by someone’s foul behaviour. Try to become more aware of your thoughts, your mood and your corresponding emotions. Focus on feeling good about yourself, loving who you are, not defining yourself by your experiences or diagnoses. Focus on changing the talk in your head. Your thoughts are yours. They will either imprison you or free you. You get to choose. I chose happiness and freedom a long time ago and it’s been great for me ever since. I think everyone should make that choice no matter what happens to them.

Are you tired of wanting things to be different? Do you accept that your thoughts sometimes hold you back? Would it help you to have an accountability partner? Would you like some help setting goals and getting things done? Ask about my new flat fee accelerated coaching program. For a flat fee of just $997 you can access unlimited one-on-one coaching for a full year. My Action Focused Express Coaching program is revolutionary and guaranteed to get results! 

 Renée Cormier is a certified coach and facilitator on a mission to show people how changing their thinking changes their lives. Contact Renée to learn how to quickly move forward and achieve growth in business and all other areas of life. Renée happily shares her business and personal development expertise through a variety of training and coaching programs that create unsurpassed value for her clientele.

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Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #34

I agree. It is a very popular post, so I suspect there are many people looking for this in their lives. Please feel free to share it with as many people as you can.

Debasish Majumder

3 years ago #33

lovely buzz Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier! enjoyed read and shared. thank you for the buzz.

Louise Smith

3 years ago #32

I would rather eat Blue Crab Sangas * (a delicacy of Virginia’s coastal towns ?) with the crab meat patted into cakes and served on a sandwich. Or fried soft shell blue crabs ! * Sangas = Sandwiches in Aus English

Fay Vietmeier

3 years ago #31

Harvey Lloyd Not only do your words reveal your wisdom ... but also a good sense of humility & humor

Fay Vietmeier

3 years ago #30

Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier Renee~ I like how you stated this & the good example about getting pushed into traffic "for reflective people it is a series of ongoing opportunities that are relished to some extent. For others, it is perhaps a bit more like getting pushed into traffic. They don't start paying attention until all hell breaks loose but by then it is just way too difficult for them to do." I ponder at times why some people are "reflective" and others oblivious which reminds me of a comment I just made to @AliAnani in "Choices of no return" (we were talking about challenges & character) I have found this to be true in my own life Challenges come to everyone ... it is the response that determines character "Circumstances do not make a man they reveal him" ~ Epictetus No person wants to "suffer" ... but if the heart response to challenges is to "persevere" ... character will be produced (Ali) previously stated that "shallowness spreads" ... Though many perceive the "EASY" path as desirable ... the result of that would be "shallowness" "All sunshine makes a desert" ~ an Arabian Proverb

Harvey Lloyd

3 years ago #29

Wow great post and some international language barriers being broken down. Now i want some fish and chips.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #28

Niggle is a British term that refers to an irritation, especially a mental one, i.e. an unsettling thought. #32 I agree that relationships are always more complicated when someone else holds the key to your kingdom. Fear of loss or entrapment is a terrible foundation for any relationship. I say either think differently about your personal power or cut your losses and move on knowing you will be okay. There is no real lack in this universe, just a perception of lack and since you get what you think about with great emotion (Law of Attraction), you create a cycle of misery for yourself unless you change your thinking to something empowering.

Harvey Lloyd

3 years ago #27

David Hume Wrote, "If i ask why you believe any matter of fact, which you relate, you must tell me some reason; and this reason will be some other fact, connected with it. But as you cannot proceed after this manner, in infinitum, you must at least terminate in some fact, which is present top your memory or senses; or must allow that your belief is entirely without foundation." Most of the facts that we connect with our behaviour these days, are existential in nature, you made me do it. But i believe what Hume is getting at is we tend to get wrapped up in the circular arguments of cause and effect between two conscious beings. When the reality of the matter is that every behaviour has motivation. It is that motivation we must challenge. Not its effects on us. But i do share your sentiment within the reality of real time. Someone just took a dump in my pocket and they think they gave me flowers. Unnerving as it is, we have the opportunity to express to them the width of their footprint. This whole concept gets really crazy when the person with which you deal is a gatekeeper to something you need. It adds a few layers.

Harvey Lloyd

3 years ago #26

..."the truth niggles them." Ok i have heard of the inner voice doing a lot of things, niggles is a new adjective, i like it. The niggle must be louder than than emotion. When we speak to folks about the emotion, we grow the volume of the emotion, the niggle cant be heard. But when we speak to the known niggle we increase its auditory responses. Let's fight for the "niggle", the emotion is like shoes everyone has a pair. Great post and thoughts, inspiring.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #25

Thank you. I am very happy to know you found it and enjoyed it. There are no accidents, you know. Perhaps you found it for a reason. Please feel free to share it with your network. :)

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #24

Louise Smith, the ultimate in forgiveness is to not need the apology. Narcissists are not self-aware, but they do have a conscience. Somewhere inside, the truth niggles them. The need to look good to themselves is perhaps even stronger than their need to look good publicly because underneath it all they feel so worthless as humans. They build enough emotional torture into their existence just having to work so hard to protect their egos. Just let it go. You don't have to be right or justified in anyone's eyes. That is making peace with things you cannot control. You can control the way you feel, so focus on feeling good, no matter what. If all you did was that, you would feel great every day. Worry not. You are in complete control of you.

Louise Smith

3 years ago #23

This is a very well explained post Renee. I have struggled with the concept of Forgiveness all my life. Especially when it is a close person who has done something totally unnecessary to hurt me to make themselves feel good or look good in the eyes of others. Since becoming a psychologist, professionally I knew I had to come to terms with Forgiveness as it's very hard to help someone else if I can't do it myself. I think to "make peace with things you cannot change" and "Moving past all of it means focusing on your own well-being" are integral to Forgiveness. I can do this now. But I still struggle with the idea of the person who harmed me not facing up to, understanding the hurt they have caused and being responsible for it. I don't think of myself as a Victim. I want that acknowledgement, not necessarily an apology. This is the ideal but realistically I know that people with strong Narcissistic traits do not admit to anyone, not even themselves, when they have hurt someone else.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #22

I think the opportunity for personal growth is something that presents itself daily. The minute you decide to look within and analyse an event or circumstance, you begin the process. For reflective people it is a series of ongoing opportunities that are relished to some extent. For others, it is perhaps a bit more like getting pushed into traffic. They don't start paying attention until all hell breaks loose but by then it is just way too difficult for them to do. Thank you for your wonderful comments.

Fay Vietmeier

3 years ago #21

Fatima~ What an important point you make: that forgiveness is a process ... not a once and done event (unless someone took your chocolate without permission ;~) Depending on the hurt or the offense the process of forgiving may take time ... As in the example of infidelity Also that process will most likely entail personal growth

Ali Anani

3 years ago #20

I had no doubt this buzz is worthy of your reading time dear Fay Vietmeier. I am glad it did.

Fay Vietmeier

3 years ago #19

@ReneeCormier Renee~ As I read … this book came to my mind: What is a Girl Worth? By Rachael Denhollander What Love is & Isn’t … What forgiveness is & Isn’t “My parents taught me that the greatest struggles, and most important choices, would come in the little things. Where it felt easy to excuse an unloving response, and difficult to choose faithful love. And yet it is these battles, these daily small choices, that shape who we really are and set the trajectory for our life.” She would probably prefer it if you did not know her name, and yet her courageous decision to go public with her allegations of abuse against former USA Gymnastics team doctor Larry Nassar emboldened more than 250 other young women and girls to speak out, sending Nassar to prison for life and shining a long-overdue spotlight on decades of abuse and corruption within USA Gymnastics … her bravery made her a fierce victim’s advocate In @AliAnani post: I shared this comment about forgiveness with (a like-minded bee) @David Navarro López "Revenge is mine says the Lord" Even if "justified" ... acts of revenge create two prisons: one for the person who acted wrongly and one for the person acting in "revenge" Responding with kindness & forgiveness is like "heaping coals" on the head of the person who deserves to be punished This wisdom is in Scripture Not that our motive in kindness or forgiveness should be that of "heaping coals" on anyone's head ;~) By forgiving I set myself free ... "Forgiving" does not mean approving the wrong-doing it means releasing the debt of the wrong-doing You can "love the doer and hate the deed" That is why the grace of God is so lovely: he does not give us what we "deserve" ... rather Grace

Fay Vietmeier

3 years ago #18

@AliAnani~ Thank you for directing me to this most interesting buzz-post ... not only for the message which can indeed change thinking & thus life direction: Books have been written on this subject Scripture affirms: "As a man thinks in his heart, so he is" Also now I get to follow another inspiring bee ;~)

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #17

Thank you, .

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

3 years ago #16

Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier I see what the buzz (pun intended) is all about and I'm enjoying the read! Forgiveness is a healing process in my personal experience and I learnt never to carry a grudge I let go! I simply loudly repeat the words I forgive you to let the healing process begin. It's a burden that will weigh us down and one should to be burden-free :) A beautiful buzz inside out.

Manuel Chinchilla da Silva

3 years ago #15

Great tips!

Ali Anani

3 years ago #14

Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier- I mentioned this great post in my buzz of today

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #13

Good one!

Pascal Derrien

3 years ago #12

Forgiveness is really an acquired process the more you do it the better you get

Ali Anani

3 years ago #11

My genuine pleasure, David.

David Navarro López

3 years ago #10

Thank you Ali for calling my attention to this great post

David Navarro López

3 years ago #9

Congratulations on this full of gems brilliant post, Renée. You have beautifully defined my own thoughts in this sentence "It is simply an unwillingness to allow the past to colour your present." Some experiences have nothing positive to learn of. It is on how to react before them, from which you can learn something. Bravo.

Ali Anani

3 years ago #8

Or, I would add that our energy is like a bowl of matter that we should not allow to flow out uselessly or for bad uses.

Ali Anani

3 years ago #7

Thank you Renee and I love the idea of toxic burden of the past.

Ali Anani

3 years ago #6

Thanks Cyndi wilkins and I am pleased that you find the buzz wonderful as I do.

Cyndi wilkins

3 years ago #5

"Moving past all of it means focusing on your own well-being, not your misery or victimhood." Beautifully said Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier...I am seeing many posts on forgiveness emerging as of late...Perfect timing in the current climate of chaos we find ourselves in...And my previous comments fit nicely here as well...To err is human, to forgive is divine...However, forgiving is not forgetting...It is making the choice to move on... Thank you Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee, for calling my attention to this wonderful buzz;-)

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #4

I feel honoured and humbled to receive such praise from you. Thank you for your kind words. I am glad this post resonates with you. I think forgiveness in general is very undervalued and for most requires a condition of apology. The apology matters far less than what you choose to feel and does not have the power to negate pain, in and of itself. Only you can choose to release it. The world is so revenge focused, or at best, forgive but never forget focused. Both points of view are toxic.

Ali Anani

3 years ago #3

Hi Renee, I am absorbed by the quality of your buzz. SO much to comment about. I am reading ""It is simply an unwillingness to allow the past to colour your present. You are referring to forgiveness. Then you proceed to write later "There is probably nothing more empowering than being able to say that you have made a choice to not let your past experiences define you. In doing so, you get to define who you are, what you are, how you are and what you stand for". This ties well with your using the word power of willingness in the title of the post.I imagine the burden of the past as a heavy box and it takes energy to lift it up.The heavier the box is, the more energy we need to lift it up. Power will determine the height of our lifting the box in a unit time. The heavier the box is, the more power we need to lift it to the same distance. We humans are the box and if we fill ourselves with distress, hatred and grudge then we spend hell of power to lift ourselves up. What a waste of energy and life. This is a great buzz for all of us.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #2

Thank you, Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee. I will check out your buzz.

Ali Anani

3 years ago #1

What a coincidence 😲! This afternoon a great exchange of comments happened on my buzz "Choices of no return point". The discussions (the latest ten comments or so) focused on the difference between forgiveness and tolerance. These discussions prompted me to draft a buzz on forgiveness to be published later this week. I wrote the above to inviteHarvey Lloyd. It so well-written. I liked the idea that the wrongdoers end up paying for their aggression.

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