How to Deal With Dumbasses.

“There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life,” Frank Zappa

Let’s look at this pandemic from a strictly layman’s point of view, since I’m a layman — and possibly a dumbass. As viruses go, this coronavirus is smarter than most. It’s certainly smarter than Trump. The Trumpster figured it would go away with the heat. Coronaviruses don’t give a fuck about heat.

Yet so many people believed him, ignoring warnings, ignoring masks and social distancing, This resulted in over a half million people dying just in the U.S. alone. Historically speaking, there’s never been a more dumbass moment — at least not here in the United States.

And please don’t bring up the Spanish Flu. There was a war, thousands of troops were returning to America, and there were the usual parades and celebrations. Nobody knew diddly about this flu other than it travelled through the air. Sure, the government advised masks and social distancing. Except people were too busy celebrating the end of a war.

By comparison, the Spanish Flu was a lightweight. In terms of thinking (and viruses do think), coronaviruses are the “big brains” of the virus community. When they feel threatened, they change. Then they proofread how they change. So it’s safe to say they’re smarter than most people because very few of us proofread. In fact, very few of us actually pick up a book.

So him saying we should inject soap or bleach seemed logical to him. Still dumbass, though. Injecting soap or bleach will kill you.

Now here’s the part Trump got so exited about. It seems the coronavirus is covered in a oily lipid substance that falls apart on contact with soap or bleach. So him saying we should inject soap or bleach seemed logical to him. Still dumbass, though. Injecting soap or bleach will kill you. This has been proven by dumbasses who did exactly that.

We’re also terribly concerned about variants, which occur as the viruses mutate during their natural life cycle. They actually acquire about two mutations a month (this is about one third the rate of the flu).

Some would say this is tortoise-like. Good news, in other words. It means, once someone gains immunity, they’re likely to be protected against future strains. That in itself should convince people to get vaccinated. Except dumbasses aren’t easily convinced. They’re wary — even skeptical — which is fine if you do your homework and bone up on viruses.

Catholic priests in Denver, Colorado, for instance, have spoken quite harshly about Astra Zeneca’s vaccine, accusing the company of using fetal cells.

Except dumbasses don’t. Instead, they listen to people with more bones to pick than a vulture during a dry spell. Catholic priests in Denver, Colorado, for instance, have spoken quite harshly about Astra Zeneca’s vaccine, accusing the company of using fetal cells.

According to these church leaders, “It offends the dignity of the reborn aborted baby and his or her family, as well as the dignity of the medical vocations of doctors and scientists.” Well, the same could be said for the dignity of chimpanzees and beagles. All God’s creatures, in other words, right? If we’re talking “dignity,” let’s include the whole bunch and stop testing them.

Well, these Catholic leaders weren’t about to be put off by theological reasoning. They’re God’s messengers, afterall, and there’s a pandemic, and you can’t just sit around being theological while Rome burns, so to speak.

No, there’s the faithful to think about, so you take the lesser of two evils, and throw your weight behind them. In this case, the Catholic leaders from Denver, Colorado threw their support — and weight — behind the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, seeing as they use non-active cells.

It doesn’t mean they exist in the final product — which they don’t. It means you have to start somewhere and, like in the Bible, you start at the beginning.

Unfortunately, this is neither here nor there. When scientists are developing the composite make-up of a vaccine, fetal cells — being the youngest and purest — are used all the time. It doesn’t mean they exist in the final product — which they don’t. It means you have to start somewhere and, like in the Bible, you start at the beginning.

Church leaders around the world have had this explained, but the vagary of science suggests something unclean, prompting these same church leaders to state, quite strongly, in fact, that no citizen should be forced to take a vaccine with such an unseemly background.

Rather than argue, federal and state leaders have said, “Sure, we’re not going to force anyone.” Who wants a theological discussion that could last hundreds of years? Better to let these church leaders have their way, keeping in God’s good graces. It might kill thousands in the process which, as we know from history, isn’t outside the realm of Catholicism, anyway.

Okay, that’s a bit dumbass on my part. Attacking Catholicism doesn’t help anyone at this point. Let me make it better by saying we all want to end this virus. Unfortunately, creating “vaccine hesitancy” is as dumbass as Trump saying the virus will disappear with heat.

The only way to stop a virus — any virus — is to break the chain of transmission. Hopefully before thousands more die. To do this, everyone has to have an active role. Think of it as a game of football. Imagine players deciding to “take a knee” in the middle of a game. You lose, obviously, because players who don’t take a knee, run around those who do take a knee.

In football terms again, the players not taking a knee (call these the viruses) just run through the goal lines, happy as clams, because they’re winning. You get the dumbass part, right?

Now imagine all the anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers and anti-fetalists calling this whole vaccine thing a hoax. In football terms again, the players not taking a knee (call these the viruses) just run through the goal lines, happy as clams, because they’re winning. You get the dumbass part, right?

I mean, beliefs are one thing, dumbass is another. You can’t be more dumbass than to think these viruses aren’t real. Thousands of people in ICU units around the world make it abundantly clear they’re real.

Yet — here we go again — we have this loyal Trumpsters saying, “Well our leader had the coronavirus. So did his wife. They were out a few days, recovered, then made quite the splash January 6th at Capital Hill. The only reason he didn’t join the crowd was because he was having lunch, and president’s can’t go rushing the capital on an empty stomach. They need food in their bellies.”

In fact, if you do come down with the coronavirus, you’ll be paying for your treatment, and President Trump’s, and every member of the Republican Party who’s called this pandemic a hoax.

Well, spunky, the president — and his wife — had the benefit of first class medical attention, something we can’t all expect, because we don’t have private physicians, or a world class hospital catering to our every need, or a vast array of drugs on hand. All paid for by, well, you.

In fact, if you do come down with the coronavirus, you’ll be paying for your treatment, and President Trump’s, and every member of the Republican Party who’s called this pandemic a hoax.

That’s the American way, and it’s only dumbass if you’re not covered — which you probably aren’t — and it won’t matter in the end, because, if you’re inflected, and you’ve infected others, and some of them will actually die, it’s hard for people to point fingers when they’re, well dead.

Still, it’s still good to know you defended your rights and freedoms, and that’s something that looks good on any gravestone — if you can afford a gravestone, which isn’t likely because you were a dumbass, and insurance companies don’t support dumbasses — even if they agree with you.

You’ve been conned, and you’ll continue to be conned until you face the fact that nobody — and I mean nobody — can make this virus go away by ignoring it or refusing to believe it exists.

In other words, all the reasons for calling this pandemic a hoax are, strictly speaking, a hoax. You’ve been conned, and you’ll continue to be conned until you face the fact that nobody — and I mean nobody — can make this virus go away by ignoring it or refusing to believe it exists.

It’s here, dumbass, and it’ll stay here until either you stop being a dumbass, or you die being a dumbass. Those are the alternatives.

Again, sorry for the Catholicism crack. It was unwarranted and highly offensive. So was calling people dumbasses. I shouldn’t get so upset.

Actually, I should. The dumbasses thing stays. I hate dumbasses. I don’t hate the church, though. Even if they can be dumbasses.

Besides, I might be one, too.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, satirist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive) is available through Skyhorse Press. You can read Robert’s other articles and stories at robertcormack.net