Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago · 3 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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How to Tell if Your Customer is an Idiot

How to Tell if Your Customer is an Idiot

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About the Author

I'm a ghost but not the kind that's to pottery
wheels I'm the wnting kind

Toften wonder if Im a tech-savvy writer or a
writing-savvy technologist Maybe I'm both. As
one CMO put it, "Paul makes tech my bitch!
That might be going a hittle too far

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As business people, we always try to meet or exceed our customers' expectations. Whether we call them clients, customers, patrons, or guests is irrelevant here. They are the ones we depend on to keep our doors open. 

They are the ones we opened our doors for in the first place.

Let's also understand that no one can be everything to everyone all the time. We shouldn't even try to be. We profile our ideal customer and build our businesses to fit. 

Sure, we account for some play in the picture. 

Sure, we define our customers within a range. 

Sure, we can often adjust to fit different customer profiles.

We aim to please.

So what happens when a customer is an ass?

What happens when someone comes to you who is not even a little related to the profile? Worse, they are the exact opposite to the profile you built for.

A café owner in Ireland experienced just that.

His reaction was over the top. I admit that. It led to a social media shitstorm. It also led to a crazy amount of free publicity (this post included). Let me pause to thank Stuart Kidney for posting a link to this story.

I suggest you take the time to read it. It's funny and scary at the same time. Let me just give the gist here.

The White Moose Café is in Dublin. Owner Paul Stenson recently started a tweet war with vegans. It all started when a vegan entered the café. 

She complained that the White Moose did not provide an adequate selection of vegan fare.

Let me give you some background here. This is the definition of "Veganism" according to Wikipedia.

Veganism is both the practice of abstaining from the use of animal products, particularly in diet, and an associated philosophy that rejects the commodity status of animals. A follower of veganism is known as a vegan.

The first item on The White Moose's breakfast menu is an all-butter croissant. Butter is an animal product. 

That should have been the vegan's first clue.

Other clues abound. 

Pictures of menu items show heaping piles of ham hocks, bacon, and sausages. There's also a picture of a humungous burger that tempts me to call Aer Lingus right now. 

It doesn't take a culinary degree to know that meat is not proper vegan fare.

What was that idiot vegan thinking? If I'm in the mood for Chinese food, I'm not walking into a French restaurant. If I do, I can't complain about the lack of Chinese menu items. 

Our society seems to be heading towards a hare-brained idea.

We think we should go anywhere and do anything, anytime. Everyone must support and cater to our beliefs. Everyone must meet our every whim.

We have seen the Face of God... and he is the CONSUMER!

No, we are not so obligated, and no, Mr./Mrs. Consumer, you are not God.

Some people will cater to your beliefs. Others won't. You must choose where to frequent. It is not up to you to tell me how to eat or how to run my business.

Use your freaking head. 

If you are vegan, don't go to a steak house. If you are allergic to shellfish don't go to a seafood place. If you want to buy a suit, don't go to the grocery store.

Smarten up!

There's no shortage of businesses catering to just about every penchant out there. Choose the one that matches.

I have a close friend who is vegan. She won't even wear leather shoes. She eats nuts, fruits, and vegetables. That's it. 

Presumably, she only eats the ones that fell off the plant by themselves. You know, the ones that died of natural causes.

I like her a lot, but I never invite her over for dinner. I can't meet her dietary requirements. Worse still, etiquette requires that I eat the same thing I serve her.

At my age, there are few things I can still do like a rabbit. Eating is one of them, but I choose not to.

I do not try to convince her to join us omnivores. She doesn't try to convince me that meat is murder. We get along fine. That's the way it should be.

We are under no obligation to cater to every whim of every customer all the time. This applies to every business.

That is not to say that we should not accommodate special requests in keeping with our "raison d'être". That's where the hospitality industry shines. It elevates customers to guest status. As Jeffrey Summers and Mark Hitri once said, "Never call a guest a customer." That speaks volumes for their industry.

But, even they have their limits.

I write and I set up customer engagement systems. Come to me for blog posts, white papers, case studies, or copywriting. I'll bend over backward for you. 

Come to me for a Customer Engagement Platform / Social Media Strategy. I'll set one up that will blow your mind.

Come to me for an oil change and you're shit out of luck.

Can I do your oil change? Sure.

Will I?

Not a chance.

Originally published on LinkedIn, Nov 3, 2015.


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Comments

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #26

#42
I like those! I would wear a pair. :)

Pedro 🐝 Casanova

6 years ago #25

#41
look... http://bit.ly/2pdTviF

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #24

#34
I just learned something new!! :)) I had no idea. Thanks!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

6 years ago #22

#37
LOL, for you, Christine, I'll make an exception. Just drive on over here to Montreal.

Neil Smith

6 years ago #21

#12
Yes it did. Bizarrely.

Pedro 🐝 Casanova

6 years ago #20

#9
Well...dont do that " fits " in a spanish shoe store because they do sell Mercedes....well..in fact is Merceditas...which is a type of shoes with a closed tip and one single strap across the foot and uses a button to hold them...

Kevin Pashuk

6 years ago #19

I missed this the first time round... and it does fit in with my buzz today on stupidity... So, sharing.

Wayne Yoshida

7 years ago #18

Thanks for the chuckle this morning, Paul. I thought the title had something to do with the VW diesel-gate thing. Anyway . . . on the other side of this "customer is an idiot thing," I had a friend who owned a camera shop. He went out of his way to accommodate strange requests from customers. For example, since his shop was near an international airport, people would come into the shop and try to buy things with foreign currency. Most shops would not take their money. Kurt would always take out his calculator, look up the exchange rate and let them buy whatever they wanted. He figured money is money, right? He also had this twisted sense of humor. He would do this trick to young kids working a cash register when he bought something. He would pay in cash, and extend his hand for the change. He would accept the change, but kept his hand extended. Way too often, the cashier would look uncomfortable and hand him some more money. Yikes.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #17

#26
CUSStomer... I LOVE it! The reality is that excellent customer service is a partnership between the provider and the customer. I was once in a crepe house (the Creoes breton type... huge very thin dough filled with all sorts of good stuff). A woman asked the owner to make her crepes without egg. Note, crepe batter without egg is glue. When the owner explained that it was impossible, the customer flew into a rage. People do not control the laws of physics and chemistry

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #16

#22
It takes all kinds to make a world. Most vegans I know are not militant. They recognize that it's a choice they made. They may not understand how we can eat meat or wear leather. They let us be. Come to think of it, if they were militant they wouldn't be friends, would they? That said, I don't eat my extra-rare steak in front of vegan friends. It's a two-way street.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #15

#16
I sort of like how that sounds Paul \, 'Mercedes footwear.' Can you imagine the ad's one could create?

David Navarro López

7 years ago #14

Apart from the fact that some people take advantage of being your potential customer, and try to play the rol of God with every illogical requirement, just for the fun of making you twist under "their power", the thing goes to apocalyptic proportions if one mixes "customer" with "vegan" . I had some disgusting experiences with vegan people, and what i really don't understand is that they claim they are vegan due to the highest human values, while forgetting that to be vegan is THEIR choice, pointing out that everyone who is not in agreement with them should not belong to the human race. For the same reason, in my opinion, this is a clear aggression to one of the most valuable rights of humans, that is, the freedom to choose. They choose a way of life and expect that the rest of humankind should do the same, just because they see it this way. Under my point of view, there is no much difference between this behaviour and fascism. I am not even trying to convince a vegan to eat meat. For the same reason, I don't want to be insulted by them because of their own choice. As it uses to happen, some individuals belonging to a minority are so desperately willing to reaffirm their choice, that they feel compelled to convince the rest of us to follow their own choice by all means. It´s simply pathetic.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #13

#20
Jerry, is that a euphism for ... Never mind. LOL

Jerry Fletcher

7 years ago #12

Paul, I once thought it was age that brought out the curmudgeon in people than I went to work in advertising. I quickly realized that age had nothing to do with it. It is a reaction to stupidity. It seems more and more that the world abounds in it. Excuse me I've got to get my oil changed...

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #11

#8
Wow. Just imagine all the passersby looking for great Chinese that never went in.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #10

#9
Hmmm, Mercedes footwear? You may be on to something, Lisa

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #9

#10
Tell me about it! I watched a new TV show yesterday called "The Great Indoors." Boy, do they ever push that! It also portrays Millennials as wooses and brilliant idiots with illusions (not delusions) of grandeur.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #8

#12
You may be right, Alexa. I also saw a woman get upset when she was called a polyglot. She thought it meant "fat." True, English can get confusing. "You are the shit!" is good. "You are shit!" is not. This was not one of those cases

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #7

#6
LMAO, Randy. Yup, it is only in English. I guess I could have written it in French too. But, I have never met two French-speakers who could agree on phrasing. Come to think of it, I never met two English-speakers who could either. Satire is difficult to write, particularly on an international stage. Don't sweat the shit lists.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #6

Well Paul \, when I go to the shoe store, I throw a fit when I find out they aren't selling Mercedes, how dare them! I even sat outside and protested once. All kidding aside, some customers have a sense of entitlement and lets just be honest, they need to get a life. I read the messages, OMG! People are nuts. I have to hand it to you though, this did give me a good laugh.

Randy Keho

7 years ago #5

Why didn't you publish this in multiple languages? Do you expect every non-English speaking bee to translate it themselves? Paul \ How insensitive. You Canadians are all alike. You're just as elitist as Americans. Wait a minute. I'm an American. Forget I ever said anything. I'm on enough shit lists as it is. "Great Buzz."

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #4

#2
Yeah, it never ceases to surprise and annoy me when I look at the sense of entitlement so prevalent these days. Lately, there was a news story about another idiot here in Montreal. It seems he bought an electric car but could only park it in the street. He was upset that he wasn't allowed to run the thick charging cable over the sidewalk. He felt he had an "innate right" to charge his car. Really?

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

7 years ago #3

#1
Thanks, Harvey

Michael D. Davis

7 years ago #2

Thanks for the backstory Paul! I had a good laugh over that one. I'm an equal opportunity "culinist". Heck, that's probably not even a word....but then margarine isn't really food either. That's another story. Damn! Now I'm hungry for some bangers and mash! Which is just another example of how the two can co-exist when reason is applied. Cheers!

Harvey Lloyd

7 years ago #1

Enjoyed the storyline and subsequent analogies. I have to agree i do get a little dumbfounded when customer insist on things that the store or service was never intended or created to provide. Loved the title Paul \

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