How to Write a Compassionate Condolence Letter

This was written by Deborah Quilter published November 1, 2019, in Next Ave

I thought this was a powerful piece on a difficult topic so I thought I would share some of what she has written. For the full story go here

When someone dies, courtesy dictates that we write our condolences. These letters can be some of the hardest thoughts we will put to paper. Write with sincerity and compassion. Tell a story about the person, but avoid delving into a troubled or complex relationship.

Condolence letters must be written. They are greatly valued by those who receive them, and the most important thing is that you write and send them, even if you feel inept.

That said, there are good practices. Here are some tips on how to write a thoughtful condolence letter:

The Easy Part: Timing and Stationery

Proper condolence notes are handwritten and addressed, but the note can be typed and printed on ivory paper. Blank cards are also appropriate.

But,  Brooklyn, N.Y. funeral director Amy Cunningham, owner of Fitting Tribute Funerals. urges, “Do not let searching for the right paper slow you down or interfere with your ability to get this done. If you know you’re not going to handwrite it, type it.” If you have reached the desperate point where an email might be all you can manage, be consoled that it is somewhat appropriate — and better than nothing.

Mail your condolence soon after the news is received, but it’s also fine if it arrives late. “There’s no such thing as a belated condolence letter,”

You might even consider sending more than one. The poet Emily Dickinson understood that grief comes in waves, so she didn’t write just a single note, but rather a sequence of notes. She knew that grief doesn’t have an expiration date and people can mourn months or even years later. Dickinson would often include fresh or pressed flowers with her notes.

Finally, be prepared: Cunningham has a special box with notepaper, pens and stamps so she is ready to write condolence whenever the need arises.

What to Say… And What Not to Say

If you are stumped about what to say, Cunningham advises that you acknowledge the death and share a memory or anecdote. Write with sincerity and compassion. Tell a story about the person, but avoid delving into troubled or complex relationships. “Saying anything about how the deceased has changed you or what effect they had on your life can be powerful,” she said.

Sometimes, quoting appropriate poetry can help.

While you might want to make the bereaved feel better, providing comfort should not be your goal. “Maybe they can’t be comforted because the pain is so searing,” Cunningham explained. If you insist on comforting, you’re hanging yourself up again and it might make you give up.

Avoid these phrases:

Don’t say: “I am sorry for your loss.” This is a soft rule — so don’t be hard on yourself if you use the phrase — but Cunningham finds it clichéd. Say “I am here for you.” It’s a stronger statement. Or say: “I want to hear all the stories.”

Don’t say: “passed away.” Say “died.” This is another soft rule, according to Cunningham. “People say ‘passed away’ all the time. But saying someone died is more accurate, and people are moving toward greater honesty and accuracy,” she noted. “Why mince around?”

Don’t say: “I know how you feel.” You can’t assume to know how someone is grieving. A death from Alzheimer’s can be a relief, but even if the death is expected, you can’t assume the bereaved are relieved. Grief encompasses many emotions and people can experience a multitude of feelings in a single day.

Don’t say “It’s God’s plan” or “He’s in a better place” to a secular person. You can say: “He’s at peace now” or “The suffering is over.”

Don’t say, “Time will heal.” Similarly, don’t dictate a timetable for their healing.

Don’t say, “Tell me what I can do.” That throws everything into the bereaved person’s court at a time where he or she may be overwhelmed with grief and doesn’t need another task. Instead, say what you will do, i.e., pick up groceries.

Don’t mention your losses. The focus should be on the bereaved, not you.

Don’t go off-topic. A condolence letter is not the time to bring up unrelated business, like vacation plans.

Don’t make the condolence letter seem like a review of the person. People commonly leave sympathies on Facebook and this can have unfortunate results. Cunningham recalled a woman who complained that people were posting condolences that sounded a lot like Yelp reviews, “Great woman, very loving. 5/5 stars.”

Difficult Situations for Condolence Writing

In addition to not knowing the person who died, other situations can make condolence-writing even harder:

· The person died by suicide or succumbed to alcoholism or drug addiction

· You were not on good terms with the deceased or the family member you are addressing

· The death happened to a family member of a colleague you work with, but don’t know well

But even in sticky circumstances, there are ways of coping gracefully. If someone had a fraught relationship with his alcoholic mother who died, separate the sickness from the parent. You could say, “She gave birth to you and I’m so glad. How wonderful that you exist because of her.”

If someone had a bad relationship with her father, it’s best not to take the risk of saying, “I know you and your dad had a bad relationship.” Or, “I know you and your dad struggled with your relationship.”

Don’t even go that far, Cunningham cautioned. “Because at that moment — even though they hated their father — they don’t want anyone else to say that.” You can’t guarantee the comment will be well received, even if you two had dinner last week and she was complaining about how horrible her relationship with the father was. “It might come off as minimizing their loss,” Cunningham said.

When in doubt, stay neutral. Don’t worry if your condolence letters are boring; it’s fine to say something like: “I remember you telling me about how your dad used to walk you to school.”

If you are writing a condolence letter to a work colleague, you can say, “I’d like to hear your mother’s story at some point. Let’s go for tea,” Cunningham suggested.

Just Do It

Probably the most important thing about condolence writing is that you do it.

If you find yourself incapable of lifting your pen, remember: It doesn’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be a wonderful writer.

What matters is that you take the time to extend your heartfelt sympathy to someone who is experiencing a loss.

Deborah Quilter is an ergonomics expert, a certified Feldenkrais practitioner, a yoga therapist and the founder of the Balance Project at the Martha Stewart Center for Living at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. She is also the author of Repetitive Strain Injury: A Computer User's Guide and The Repetitive Strain Injury Recovery Book.