Robert Cormack

7 years ago · 4 min. reading time · 0 ·

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How We Avoid Rejection By Being Responsible (and Stupid)

How We Avoid Rejection By Being Responsible (and Stupid)

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I read a Pinterest quote recently that said: “When I don’t text you, it means I’m waiting for you to miss me.” In other words, “I’ll wait for you to text me so I avoid rejection entirely.”

We used to pride ourselves on ‘risk avoidance.’ Now we pride ourselves on ‘rejection avoidance.' We all do it in one way or another. We post silly quotes like: “I’ll wait for you to call me. I’m nicer than you are.” It makes the world simpler, it makes the world safer. Put the ball in someone else's court.

Rejection avoidance has been rationalized—and even sentimentalized. In the movie: Being There, Chauncey Gardner lives his life behind a stone wall. He’s sheltered and therefore innocent. Only when he finds himself thrown into the world does he realize how big it really is. It’s a strange place, sometimes cruel, sometimes irrational. Yet, as he discovers, it can surprise you.

Imagine if Chauncey Gardner had lived and died behind those walls. We’d say: “He missed so much. He thought the world existed inside a television.” Yet imagine for a second our own lives. Don’t we live behind walls, too?

When we say: “I’ll wait for you to text me,” we relieve ourselves of risk. We don’t consider it avoidance. If the person texts, they show they really care. If they don’t, they weren’t worth the trouble.

We call this prudent. Why put ourselves out there? Someone will eventually text us, following our rules. It’s nice when someone risks rejection before we do.

Remember the high school sock hops when boys had to walk across the width of the gym and ask a girl to dance? The walk across was deadly. Sometimes we got rejected, sometimes we got a dance. We gritted our teeth through the rejections, realizing it was better than leaning against the wall, laughing at others.

In the backs of our minds, we thought one thing: “What if she accepts?”

How many of us are leaning against walls, laughing at others, saying: “I’m so glad I didn’t do that?” How many of us avoid rejection by telling people we prefer to be ‘average’ since it’s more responsible?

A woman wrote to me defending ‘average.’ As she pointed out, there are responsibilities in this world. Children have to be raised. Recessions make us cautious. “Steady and reliable have a respected place, too,” she exclaimed. Another man stated that ‘normal’ suited our competency.

There is a place for ‘steady and reliable,’ especially where children are concerned. We want them to grow up to be responsible and caring beings. At the same time, don’t we reduce their chances of being exceptional by emphasizing how responsible it is to not take chances?

Going back to that sock hop analogy. I said that what kept some of us going across the gym floor was the thought: “What if she accepts?” This divided the boys at our school. Two or three would go ask a girl to dance. Twenty or thirty would stand there laughing. Isn’t that essentially how the world works today?

Rejection hurts at the time, but it’s replaced with something else. It has the “what if?” quotient. The gym floor was unnerving. The distance walking home was worse—that’s if you didn’t at least try. You kicked a lot of stones.

Back before university, I started an antique business. I traveled around the north, going through barns, selling the stuff at flea markets. My father told me I’d never make a go of it. Yet it paid for my university. When my father retired, he and my mother took over the antique business. My father did it until he was eighty-four. That never would have happened if I hadn’t at least tried.

When we take risks and fail, we hurt ourselves. When we take risks and succeed, it radiates out. Think of the company you work for. If they hadn’t taken risks, you wouldn’t have a job. You can say: “Better them than me, I’ve got mouths to feed.” They had mouths to feed, too. Seventy percent of entrepreneurs had families when they started their businesses.

Think of how we vote today. Don’t we choose politicians who say: “Slow and steady will get us out of this recession”? We believe them because they suit our version of ‘normalcy’ and ‘safe.’ We don’t want someone saying: “We need to sacrifice now to improve our lives and our children’s lives down the road.”

Sure, we want things to be better for our children, but making dramatic changes? That doesn’t suit us one bit. We’re ‘steady and reliable.’ We vote for the person who wants to stay the course. Some economists will tell you we never came out of this recession. It’s been going on for eight years. The Great Depression lasted ten years. Our leaders swore it would never happen again.

And while this is all going on, what are we doing? Putting up Pinterest quotes like: “I want you to miss me. I want you to care. I want you to text me first.” Or “I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.”

That may be the truest quote of them all. Nothing is going to happen. We’ll vote for the ‘reliable and steady’ politician. We’ll continue to place ‘safe’ above ‘risk.’ We’ll go through our lives, never proving anyone wrong, never showing that our own faith was tested.

All because we hate rejection. We hate the notion of rejection. We hate the thought of twenty or thirty people leaning against the gym wall, waiting for one of us to walk across and get dumped. That’s not our style. That’s for the other guy. That’s for the person who wonders: “What if she accepts?”

I’ll leave you with my favorite poem by Shel Silverstein. At first, you think it’s about romance, but it’s really about life. Put it up on Pinterest if you like.

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And let me know what you think about ‘rejection avoidance.’ Are we ‘avoiding’ or are we being ‘responsible’? I’m still at: rcormack@rogers.com

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. For more details, go to Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press.


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Comments

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #6

Sorry, Karen, I was half asleep when I read your earlier comment. I'm actually a fan of beeBee, certainly more than sites like Facebook and LinkedIn. As much as some writers here can be critical, I think the overall support of the people is great. I've read some amazing pieces, and I've made good online relationships in terms of mutual interests, particularly on subjects related to the communications industry. I also have to be careful since I probably fall into that category of "geezers" you mentioned. If we seem a bit "crusty" at times, please consider it our longstanding focus on a world we wish wasn't so corrupt and at times nasty. Hope this doesn't come across as nasty. Crusty as I am, I do try to be nice and considerate. Have a great day. #7

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #5

#4
I agree, Karen. Thanks for the response.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #4

#3
Thanks for reading, Kevin.

Kevin Pashuk

7 years ago #3

I missed this the first time Robert Cormack for highlighting it in my challenge.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #2

Thanks, Jim.

Jim Murray

7 years ago #1

Sharing in the Beezers Hive

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