How We Goof Our Writing.

“Writing’s been easy so far.” Charles Bukowski

Students at Pratt High School in Kansas got a lesson in hyphens the other week, courtesy of Gale Rose, a reporter with The Pratt Tribune. Rose was writing about Disability Mentoring Day, where students race all over town gaining “hands on experience.”

Normally local pieces are pretty dry, but the headline writer — or Rose herself — managed to spice things up with: “Students get first hand job experience.”

By the end of the afternoon, countless would-be grammarians were all over the internet, pointing out that it should have been “first-hand or firsthand.”

Others delved deeper, finding two other sentences where Rose forgot to hyphenate. I’m sure no student attending Pratt High School will ever nothyphenate again. I certainly won’t, and I hate hyphens.

That said, I sympathize with Gale Rose. I’ve goofed many times myself. I remember my boss calling me in one day. I’d been writing about Yellow Pages advertising, and how quarter-pagers “literally jump out at you.” “Literally?” my boss said. “Will readers be swatting them like large mosquitos next?”

“Watching the snake eat the mouse impressed her [Gina] the most,” Rose wrote, although Gina found the other animals fun, too.

We’re all capable of goofs. Sometimes things slip by unnoticed, as they did with Gale Rose. It’s a shame since Rose did a great job of capturing one student, Gina Patton’s, visit to a veterinary clinic.

“Watching the snake eat the mouse impressed her [Gina] the most,” Rose wrote, although Gina found the other animals fun, too.

That, to me, was better than “Students get first hand job experience,” but I’m more into quaint than quarrelsome grammatical issues. The goofs I appreciate aren’t the obvious ones like “Tight end returns to practice after rectal surgery.”

I’m more into the potentially morbid lines like “Students cook and serve grandparents.” Call it sloppy thinking, if you like. I prefer imagining a world where these sorts of things could happen. Not that I want them to happen. It just seems like a better news day when cooking grandparents triumphs over President Trump’s “Orange Head.”

One of my favourite lines occurred in Malaysia, where a newspaper columnist wrote: “Students on islands vanishing beneath rising seas join global climate strike, by walking into ocean swallowing their homes.” I’m not sure commas could have saved this, any more than I think walking into the ocean could’ve saved those homes.

At least they kept up the whimsy on the following page: “Three terrorists caught smuggling arms in cages of Iguanas.”

At least they kept up the whimsy on the following page: “Three terrorists caught smuggling arms in cages of Iguanas.” How you do that, I haven’t a clue, but they could have said: “Terrorists caught using Iguanas as mules to smuggle guns.”

There is always a certain whimsy to goofs, often showing off the craziness of the perpetrators themselves. Like the headline: “Man tries armed robbery in a gun store with a knife,” or “Escaped prisoner caught panhandling with handcuffs on.”

You’d think these goofs could be avoided by reading the copy aloud, especially a headline like this: “Princess Diana was still alive hours before she died.” Surely, even an escaped prisoner panhandling with handcuffs on would see the irony.

That’s the thing, though, we don’t read aloud anymore. Most reporters work in cubicles, and having twenty people proofreading aloud sounds like a Gregorian chant.

Then again, it was also in Mississippi that I found: “Parents keep kids home to protest school closures,” and “Homicide victims rarely talk to police.”

Still, it wouldn’t hurt, since we have the internet, and countless would-be grammarians lurking everywhere. Imagine the joy they must have had catching this little ditty: “Missippi Literary Program shows signs of improvement.”

I’d hate to think what Mississippians were calling their state before this program came along. Then again, it was also in Mississippi that I found: “Parents keep kids home to protest school closures,” and “Homicide victims rarely talk to police.”

There was a time when editors would have ten million cat fits over this. That was back when there were editors and proofreaders and typesetters. Today your copy may only pass through two or three people, each doing ten jobs at once. Who’s going to notice: “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after 25.”

Sure, the rest of us will catch it, but we’re not in newsrooms. We’re sitting at home looking at our laptops. Our greatest distraction is a power surge, and most of us — including would-be grammarians — have surge-protectors.

Anyway, goofs exist wherever words are used. I even witnessed this working in a fence factory. Part of my job was stuffing the instructions into boxes. One day, waiting for a new spool to be put on the extruder, I started reading these instructions. They seemed straightforward enough, until I came to: “While you can erect a Spacemaker fence yourself, you’ll find a helping hand will make erection easier.”

I applied to a university, got my degree in communications, then set out to compose as many “erection” jokes in pamphlets, brochures and commercials as I could possibly manage.

From that day forward, all I wanted to do was write. I applied to a university, got my degree in communications, then set out to compose as many “erection” jokes in pamphlets, brochures and commercials as I could possibly manage.

As it happened, nobody liked my “erection” jokes. I was obviously a loose cannon, and immature as hell, so they put me on cars. The car people hated my “erection” jokes, too, but not as much as my use of the word “dynamite.”

My first car ad was for a new line of Pintos, Ford’s answer to the incredibly popular Honda Civic. To keep the pricing competitive, Ford decided to forgo a metal plate used to protect the Pinto’s gas tank. Within the first year, there were three crashes literally incinerating the car’s occupants. My headline: “This Year, Dynamite Comes In Three Exciting Packages” was considered in bad taste — and stupid.

They put me on trucks where I wrote: “With A New Ford Pickup You Can Handle Any Rut, Like A Big Jackrabbit with A Thistle In Its Butt.”

Again, stupid.

Not as stupid, however, as the Carnation Restaurant putting out a Want Ad saying: “Waitress Wanted. Must Be 18 Years Old With 20 Years’ Experience.”

The would-be grammarians had a field day with that — and still are. It’s now listed as The Dummest Help Wanted Ad ever, easily pushing out a thermometer instruction that said: “Once Used Rectally, It Should Not Be Used Orally.”

It’s now listed as The Dummest Help Wanted Ad ever, easily pushing out a thermometer instruction that said: “Once Used Rectally, It Should Not Be Used Orally.”

Again, we shouldn’t be surprised by this. Deadlines are shorter, newsrooms are smaller and advertising agencies are younger. It’s a wonder we don’t have gaffs every day — which we probably do, but who’s noticing besides would-be grammarians and the internet — which is everyone except Tibetan monks and African Pygmies.

That shouldn’t distract us, however, from what we should be doing. These mistakes are a blight on our industries. We need to read our copy aloud more, even if it means going to the stairwell.

Twenty or so people will there already, reading their copy aloud, so it really will sound like a Gregorian chant, considering stairwells are a lot like churches, and you can’t beat churches for Gregorian chants.

So I guess that’s all we can do until a computer program comes along called “Goof-Off” which will automatically alert us with a pop-up that says: “You’ve written something incredibly stupid and illogical.”

I can’t make this up, folks. I’d like to, but, sadly, I’ve been flagged as the guy who’ll slip in an “erection” joke at the slightest opportunity.

Until that day comes (since Spellcheck doesn’t alert you at all to these things), we’ll just have to get used to goofs and gaffs, intermingled with all the intentionally stupid lines like Burger King’s sub being directed into a woman’s mouth saying: “Grab A Mouthful, And Blow.”

I can’t make this up, folks. I’d like to, but, sadly, I’ve been flagged as the guy who’ll slip in an “erection” joke at the slightest opportunity.

I won’t, obviously, because I’m much more mature now, and fully aware that nobody likes my “erection” jokes, which is okay since I can’t think of one. I’m retired and forgetful and the first thing to go when you’re old are “erection” jokes.

Sadly, nobody seems to mind a bit.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, journalist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. For more details, check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster.