Losing Your Virginity to a Banana.

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. It’s where the fruit is.” Shirley MacLaine

Bananas, cucumbers, zucchinis, consider these a woman’s entry into the world of sex. Social media entertains them all, and some girls have tried them all. “You have to find what’s right for you,” a woman explained on one site, claiming bananas do it for her. “I like the curvature,” she said. Another was still undecided. “I feel a little weird losing my virginity to a banana,” she said. “Any thoughts on pickles?”

“Too squishy,” the first woman responded, “that’s if you’re doing it right.” This brought up a whole discussion about doing it right — and virginity. Are fruits and vegetables the way to go if you haven’t “done the deed” yet?

“Absolutely,” the first woman said, “and you can destroy the evidence afterwards. Warm bananas are delicious.” “Girl, you’re wild,” a third woman responded. “Me, I’ll stick to zucchinis. I’m not doing tunnel work here.”

Who knew women were taking their sexual cues from the produce department? And how long has this been going on? Some experts claim “organic masturbation” dates back to pagan ceremonies, others insist Cleopatra advanced the cause by filling a gourd with bees.

Little evidence exists of domestic bananas being used for organic masturbation back then. People just ate the stupid things.

There are no ancient drawings of women using a banana, although whether this can be attributed to modesty, or limited creativity, is anybody’s guess. Agriculture was somewhat limited in variety, and bananas were an import. Rather than diddle themselves, people just ate the stupid things.

During the Disco Era, men were known to strap bananas to their legs, until a man from Queens was in a car accident going home. In Emergency, his only explanation was he liked to dance like John Travolta. “Banana Strapping” lost its appeal after the incident was reported in The New York Times.

The practice did evolve, however, into what the Urban Dictionary refers to as “Banana Sex.” This describes a man putting a woman on her back and inserting a banana into her vagina. Hopefully, the woman knows she’s getting a substitute. Otherwise, the man should run like hell.

To take this scenario further, guiltily he calls her the next day, apologizing for his immaturity. “That’s okay,” she says, “I put a moustache on the banana and now we’re going steady. “Hey, babe,” the guy replies, “how can a banana replace me?” “Easy,” she says. “Better conversation.”

Like the song says, “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves,” and the term “accept no substitutes” is now being replaced with, “Hell, yeah, accept any substitute you can find!” This includes bananas, zucchinis — even avocados.

“Fun activities with food allow for sensuality and creativity,” says DiAnna Ritola, sex and intimacy coach.

“I saw some of the coolest G-spot cucumbers,” a woman claimed, proving you can get pretty kinky at the local green grocer. It also doesn’t hurt to try variety. Like sex itself, different forms create new experiences.

“Fun activities with food allow for sensuality and creativity,” says DiAnna Ritola, sex and intimacy coach. “This also promotes a connection on a heart level because both partners are engaging in new areas of the brain when exploring new ground.”

Just remember there are certain rules to follow. First, emotional attachments shouldn’t occur with anything that rots. Also, don’t “bareback” your fruits and vegetables. Even careful washing can miss dangerous microbes. Third, use lube. Fruits and vegetables can’t lube themselves.

There are also things you shouldn’t do. One woman thought you were supposed to peel the banana first. “What a mess,” she said. “At least now I know never to peel a man’s penis.” This is a critical and obvious lesson. Never peel, bang, twist or shake your man’s fruit. They sound worse than bees, and bees sound pretty mad when you stuff them in a gourd like Cleopatra.

Cleopatra obviously had fruits and vegetables, too, but the silly thing wouldn’t settle for size or curvature.

She was obviously working with limited materials, which isn’t the case today. Vibrators, dildos, eggs, come in many colours and sizes, as do fruits and vegetables. Cleopatra obviously had fruits and vegetables, too, but the silly thing wouldn’t settle for size or curvature. She had to turn bees into unwilling accomplices, which is where “The buzz around town” came from.

If the buzz around Egypt at the time is to be believed, Cleopatra’s unfortunate experience with an asp was also sexual. Asps were used as vibrators, probably because the more appropriate rattlesnake or sidewinder wasn’t native to the Middle East. In any event, the asp got her before the bees did — which could have happened if she’d dropped the gourd.

On the more practical side of things, fruits and vegetables are a lot safer than asps or bees. You also don’t have to worry about your “trusted friend” being discovered in your nightstand. Lots of people have produce lying around. Don’t all vegetarians?

On one social media site, a woman admitted practising oral sex with bananas to prevent gag reflex. Such is the destiny of some fruits and vegetables. Again, this is not without historical precedence. During Roman times, orgies were common. So was gagging. No doubt they took measures to prevent reflex gagging. The Romans were a pretty inventive bunch.

Once the hieroglyphics were figured out, archaeologists were on safe ground believing dildos were fashioned on some form of natural harvest.

Throughout early history, going back to ancient drawings, phallic symbols abound, most looking like fruits and vegetables. Once the hieroglyphics were figured out, archaeologists were on safe ground believing dildos were fashioned on some form of natural harvest.

As art moved from symbolism to realism, scenes of women lying naked turned up just about everywhere. Renaissance artists, for instance, depicted women with sex toys in provocative sexual positions to emphasize fertility. Raphael and Caravaggio used fruit and vegetables all the time. It was considered both humorous and anthropomorphic. Sometimes fruit was compared to human organs, what was known then as “sex puns.”

It’s certainly possible we’re more sexually creative with our fruits and vegetables than our ancestors. This is “the age of plenty” afterall, and a National Survey found that 43.9 percent of men and 35.2 percent of women admitted to using organic masturbation.

Numbers don’t tell the whole story, though. Even before movies like “9 ½ Weeks,” the shape and size of perishables made us more than a little randy. Why turn to vibrators when the crisper has everything you need?

The habit of men “getting up and leaving after sex” could be attributed to melons. What melon wants you to hang around for a hug?

Men obviously take a different approach, choosing produce you can penetrate rather than what can penetrate you. Honeydew melons, cantaloupes — even pumpkins — have all been defiled by men looking for an easy piece. The habit of men “getting up and leaving after sex” could be attributed to melons. What melon wants you to hang around for a hug?

Suffice to say, we’ve all carried on a centuries-old tradition of turning produce into sexual receptacles. Pick your poison, in other words, or as one woman said, “Why go straight to men, when you can gain so much practice — and healthy eating — from the produce department at Cosco.”

When the Israelites had to flee across the desert, they claimed what they missed most were cucumbers.

As for women still worrying about losing their virginity to a banana, there are worse ways. Like the woman pointed out off the top, you can always destroy the evidence. “Warm bananas are delicious,” she said. So are most fruits and vegetables. Certainly more so than Cleopatra’s gourd full of bees. She would have been better off with bananas or cucumbers. Cucumbers were very popular in ancient Egypt. When the Israelites had to flee across the desert, they claimed what they missed most were cucumbers. And there was Cleopatra with all the cucumbers she could handle.

Anyway, certainly you have many options. Stores abound with any number or erotic fruits and vegetables. And don’t be afraid to be creative. Mix them up, go exotic, find out what’s best for you.

Now go make a fruit salad. Where it goes is nobody’s business.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (coming August 6th in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.