Me And My Fucking Cold

A cold is a total pain in the ass, because it’s doesn’t so much lay you out flat, as it does make you feel like you don’t want to do anything, except be pissed off about having a cold.

Everything you do is accompanied by something with the word fuck in it. Like “Aww fuck I forgot my water bottle downstairs’, or do "I really want to turn on the fuckin;’ barbecue? Shit like that.

Everything you have to do outside of watching TV and trying to sleep is uphill work. All normal activity in your life comes to a stop. This includes stuff like getting dressed, combing your hair and shaving. None of this stuff is essential when you have a cold because you don’t give a shit how you look. You’re just more or less happy to be drawing air. Fuck, I hate it.

Cold Gear

The other thing about a cold is the fact that you have to walk around with a box of Kleenex like some pissant millennial lugging a cell phone. You blow your fuckin’ nose for like ever, and yet there is still stuff in there that needs to come out.

Then after a while the bottom of your nose and the surrounding area gets all chapped and you have to put Vaseline on it, and then you have to lug the Vaseline around too, because you will rub that shit off every time you blow your nose

The Cold Remedy Con

The drug stores are filled with stuff you can take to ease your coughing, dry up your all the crap that your sinuses keep producing and relieve your head congestion. But that’s all a fuckin’ scam. None of that shit works.

But you buy the stuff anyway, because you have a cold and what the hell else are you supposed to do? It makes you feel like you are taking a action against your cold. But that's all bullshit too.

I usually get my cold from my wife, who is asthmatic and doesn’t get colds but lung infections. Her condition makes me feel like a total pussy complaining about mine. But I complain anyway.

She bought some of this Buckley's Cough Syrup. Buckley’s has this positioning line for their advertising…It Tastes Awful But It Works. Well, they are half right. It tastes like shit. And because it tastes like shit you don’t want to take it, so you never really get to actually find out if it works or not. I just dumped it this morning. Good riddance.

On The Upside

Lately I have started to think that maybe I’m doing a bit much, workwise. I’m also to the stage where I have to start thinking about some new things that are happening in my head, which is where all my business ideas start.

So in a weird way, my stuffy head is also helping me clear my head to make way for some new shit to start blooming there.

I’ll never be thrilled about having a cold. I mean, they suck and there’s no two ways about it. But no matter how many R&D people are slaving away in big pharma, and no matter how many bullshit new products they come up with to con you out of your money when you’re at your weakest and most vulnerable, know this.

• You get a cold whether you like it or not

• It fucks you up and slows you down and turns you into a wimp

• It usually lasts about a week if you are in any sort of shape

• You can take all kinds of shit for it, but nothing will really work.

• You get to be bitchy and swear a lot. You also get to moan a bit every time you actually have to move or do something, even like reaching for the TV remote or buttering your toast.

• There is no cure. If you get a cold, you’ve got it till it decides to leave. The cold always wins.

jim out

Jim Murray is a marketer and creative professional. His partner, Charlene Norman is marketing strategist and operations tactician. Their collaboration, Bullet Proof Consulting, specializes in Brand Engineering: Helping companies achieve more effective branding, stronger reputation management, greater productivity, higher efficiencies, and ultimately, increased profits. In short, Bullet Proof helps companies change their thinking for the better. Find out more at www.bulletproofconsulting.ca.