Mixing Acronyms.

“What kind of fuckery is this?” Amy Winehouse

I’ve never been good with acronyms. For the longest time, I wondered why everyone kept ending their texts with LOL. I thought it was a form of goodbye, so I’d write back, “LOL to you, too.”

I figured I was being sincere.

They sent back WTF?

I thought WTF was a wrestling organization.

Okay, so I’m an acronym moron. I’m so “nineteenth century,” as they say. But I’ll tell you something. Those acronyms you so handily throw around? They don’t always mean what you think they mean. Like when you say, “My SO,” like everyone on Reddit does (often more than LOL).

It could also mean “strung out,” which could be why your Somalian left the military in the first place.

Before SO meant “significant other,” it stood for “Somalia” or “Standard Oil” or “Senior Officer.” In other words, when you say “My SO,” it could mean you’re dating a Somalian of some rank who works for an oil company after leaving the military. It could also mean “strung out,” which is why your Somalian left the military in the first place.

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baybee, Let’s Talk About You And Me

In my eternal search for clarity (sexual and otherwise) I keep stumbling upon the term PIV (penis in vagina). Did you know PIV also means “potentially infectious reovirus,” or “peak inverse volts”?

So let’s say, you start dating someone. You figure you’ll be a bit forward with your text, saying, “I hope we PIV tonight.”

If they have any sort of scientific background, they’d figure you’re either telling them you have a disease or you just electrocuted yourself.

Ask Me Anything (But That)

And while we’re on science, what about AMA? I thought it meant The American Medical Association. Silly me. It means “Ask me anything.” Some women frequently use “I’m an AMA kind of girl,” which could be taken to mean you’re only interested in doctors. Or you are a doctor.

Then again, you could be saying “I’m a nasty-assed doctor.”

If you’re not, you’ll have to text back IANAD (“I am not a doctor). Then again, you could be saying “I’m a nasty-assed doctor.” I’m not even sure what a nasty-assed doctor looks like. Maybe it’s my doctor.

He could be “nasty-assed,” or thinks he is, anyway.

Now To The Inevitable Circle Jerk

Growing up, CJs (circle jerks) took up most of our time (outside of school, sports and other circle jerks). Today, CJ means “similar beliefs.” How it went from being a “good pull” to agreeing with someone is beyond me. They even use the acronym IAC (I agree completely) and DAE (Does anyone else?).

Use that too often in your texts, and someone’s gonna come knocking on your door, asking for “yellow brick.”

Unfortunately, DAE also means the Department of Atomic Energy. Use that too often in your texts, and someone’s gonna come knocking on your door, asking for “yellow brick.” Usually, they wear dark suits and skinny ties.

Next stop, federal prison.

More On Scholarly Pursuits (Or Just Another CJ Monday)

Somewhere in the deep realms of academia, scholars are probably sitting around right now, talking about their papers (this, too, is a circle jerk). They claim it’s a good chance to advance their standing (AYS).

We felt the same way about our circle jerks, by the way.

Except we never brought school books.

No Cellphones, No CD9s, No Brainy Lab Rats

Back in our frequent and robust CJ days, we constantly worried about getting caught. Today’s kids are too smart for that. They have a ridiculous number of warning codes, one being CD9 (Code nine, parents around).

They believed — as we all did — that transvestites lived in Transylvania.

It just so happens, CD9 also refers to genetic coding, which could have your parents wondering if you’re trying to be a transvestite. Fortunately, in my day, parents didn’t worry about those things. They believed — as we all did — that transvestites lived in Transylvania.

Compromising Videos — For Or Against?

We didn’t have compromising videos when we were kids. Occasionally, someone stumbled upon a grainy old Super 8 in their father’s dresser. That could be embarrassing — especially if it was their mother. Still, it’s nothing compared to what sexting is these days. Teenagers are actually showing compromising pictures of their girlfriends like it’s nothing at all.

In fact, it is something.

You could be charged with a RSC (criminal code) and end up serving up to five years in jail. At the very least, you’ll get a universal SMH, meaning your a shitty, motherfucking, horse’s ass.

I’m Posting Naked

The infamous IPN adorns so many sex texts these days, you’d think we’re all sitting around in the buff (which many of us are). The difference between comfort (me) and perverts (you) is that I know nobody’s interested in seeing me naked, while you’re FOY (full of yourself) and not a MP (meaty proposition).

In Conclusion…WTF!!!

The whole idea of acronyms is to save time, which it doesn’t always. As kablami pointed out on Reddit the other day, “Saying BTW takes longer than saying the words.” Well, yes, there’s that, and if I’m being honest, I’m pretty IDK (I don’t know) about the whole time-saving business.

I mean, I can say “I don’t know” as fast as I can say “IDK,” and, besides, IDK also means “I drank the Kool-Aid,” meaning I actually believed Donald Trump or Jim Jones (although you’d be dead to you believed him).

Considering you had to get undressed first, and you’ll probably get dressed again if nobody responds, I’d say you haven’t saved any time at all.

By the way, you’re not saving time writing IPN (I’m posting naked). Considering you had to get undressed first, and you’ll probably get dressed again if nobody responds, I’d say you haven’t saved any time at all.

Besides, IPN also stands for Instant Payment Notification, meaning you could be arrested for solicitation (possibly federal prison again) which would serve you right for IPNing in the first place.

And if I could end on a WTF note. This was stolen unceremoniously from the World Taekwondo Federation. They’ve since given up acronyms entirely, simply calling themselves World Taekwondo. It doesn’t even fit on a pin. They’re insistent, though, calling the rest of the world AWCST (assholes who can’t spell taekwondo).

They’re probably right.

By tomorrow, I won’t remember the spelling.

I’ll just use DKHST (I don’t know how to spell taekwondo).

And maybe throw in an IPN, since I am writing this naked.

There’s a WTF again.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist, and former advertising copywriter. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores.

Check out Robert’s other articles and story (absolutely free) at robertcormack.net