My Dating Profile.

If I can get past the croaking, chirping and barking that's keeping me awake.

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” Wendy Liebman

I just moved to Port Dover, a beautiful town, but it’s louder than I expected. I don’t mean the people, the tourists or the motorcycles. I mean nature. For some reason, animals, birds, mammals — essentially every living thing but me — wants to chirp, croak, tweet, bark, howl or rub their silly legs together. 
 
Don’t get me wrong, I love all living creatures. But last night I heard this weird sound like a raccoon choking on a chicken bone. It turned out to be a bullfrog. There are miles of marsh across the street, and this bullfrog decides he can get more action sending out his mating call from my back yard.

An amorous frog would have to leave the marsh, cross a soccer field, a parking lot and a street just to meet this bullfrog. That’s like me going to Sudbury for a coffee date. So either this is one handsome bullfrog or he’s delusional.

“Shut up about the stupid bullfrog! I’m trying to be romantic here!”

Essentially what I’m saying here is I’m trying to adjust. I’m dealing with a delusional bullfrog (who may or may not be handsome), Bell Telephone (definitely delusional), and a dating scene that may or may not exist (I’m too busy dealing with delusional bullfrogs and Bell).
 
 Again, nature’s great, I love nature. I’d just love nature more if it wasn’t so loud — or I had someone willing to say wise things to me like: “Shut up about the stupid bullfrog! I’m trying to be romantic here!”

Seriously, I need that kind of level-headedness. 
 
 Now, I know it’s important to talk here about travel, sipping fine wines, exercise, health, happiness, etc. That’s all well and good and, yes, we all want a great sense of humour.

It’s amazing what comes out of eight Scottish Skinheads in three-foot swells.

Here’s my problem, though. Back in the 80s, I was held hostage in Haiti. I know everyone talks about romantic walks on the beach, but it’s tough to appreciate sunsets with a bunch of Haitians chasing you.

I also spent a vacation free-diving in the Dominican with a boatload of Scottish skinheads. They all got sea sick. It’s amazing what comes out of eight Scottish skinheads in three-foot swells.

As for sipping fine wines, I’ve sipped plenty of fine wines. I even sipped fine wines on a catamaran in The Bahamas. It’s amazing what comes out of mein three-foot swells (even without Scottish skinheads).

I’m all for exercising, being healthy and stuff, and I’m a big proponent of getting a good night’s sleep.
 
 Trouble is, I’ve got mourning doves outside cooing to point where I think I’m in a Disney movie. Any minute, I figure they’re going to land on my shoulder and start singing “Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh, what a beautiful day.”

At this stage, I don’t need an adrenaline rush as much as I need someone who knows how to get a bullfrog out of my yard.

I know I’m in the upper age bracket, but I’m in good shape. I eat right, do the occasional yoga move (usually trying to get in and out of the car), love canoeing, camping, etc.

Don’t worry if you’re not into jet skiing, bobsledding, climbing mountains or white water rafting. At this stage, I don’t need an adrenaline rush as much as I need someone who knows how to get a bullfrog out of my yard.
 
 So message me if you’re interested. And please don’t be in Sudbury or a bullfrog…or anything else that keeps me awake at night.

Robert Cormack is a humorist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online or at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.