Robert Cormack

1 year ago · 4 min. reading time · ~100 ·

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My Part In Killing Advertising.

My Part In Killing Advertising.

All I did was write the first Canadian rock jingle.

 

I still remember how we wore our jeans with leather patches

Those Friday nights taking girls out to the roller matches

Spending summers on the boardwalk near the old pavilion

Dancin’ to the music, we just kept it goin’ through the evening

Everyone was changing just to follow the fun

Then that little beer called Crystal cut my choice down to one…

Way, way back in the early eighties, I was a young copywriter working at J. Walter Thompson. One of my accounts was a beer nobody liked, called Crystal Lager. I shouldn’t say nobody liked it. Farmers did because Crystal was cold. It stayed in the store freezers long after more popular beers barely made it off the truck. That’s all Crystal had going for it.

Sales were essentially flat, in other words, meaning my job was to find a new market. I decided to turn Crystal into a cult beer.

Actually, I didn’t even know what cult meant, since it wasn’t done, especially in the beer category. Market influence required a widespread approval, something you didn’t get narrowing the target audience.

But since Crystal was known as a “farm brand,” meaning nobody else bought it, I was pretty much free to find any customers I could.

Dirt under the fingernails

Before getting into advertising, I loaded trucks and worked on assembly lines. The bars I went to after work were full of working guys, most with dirt under their fingernails. I knew them, I knew the music they listened to, and it sure wasn’t what I was hearing in beer commercials.

Bob Seger

Then I thought about Bob Seger. There he was, playing songs like “Peggy Sue’s Gettin’ Married Tonight,” growling away for those Motor City crowds. They were his people and they had dirt under their fingernails, and I’d heard a live recording of “Get Out of Denver,” which damn near sent everyone into some kind of primordial seizer.

So I stole it (since I figured Seger wouldn’t mind since he stole it from Chuck Berry’s “Johnny B. Goode”). I wrote the lyrics you see above with the catch line “Crystal Cut My Choice Down to One.”

They stole the beer

Once I had the jingle, I sent a photographer (actually his assistant) to worker bars in Hamilton and surrounding regions. The assistant came back with black and white Polaroids for my approval. I liked the grittiness because I knew the grittiness, so we simply presented those to the client.

Then we took everything into research, mostly in the same areas where we shot the Polaroids. Long story short, they loved the concept and the song. Only, when the moderator left the room, they stole the beer and the jingle cassette. We watched it through the one-way glass.

“I think we’ve got something,” the account director said. Hell, I told him, we have more than something, we’ve got ourselves a cult.

Now to the killing of advertising

Within two years, beer companies, car companies and clothing manufacturers were turning to rock jingles. Everyone thought they were cutting through the sameness, only their idea of “cutting through” was buying the rights to popular songs. Like politicians, they figured if you liked the song, you liked them. If the song spoke to you, well, hell, jump aboard.

It should’ve fizzled, but it didn’t

Unlike most trends, rock jingles and looking cool didn’t fizzle. Here we are in a new century, with advertisers and politicians still thinking a good song is all you need. Former president Donald Trump has been sued by so many artists, all telling him they’d never support his candidacy. Trump kept playing their songs, anyway, and will no doubt continue if he runs for president again.

Dancing and Heavy Metal

The other night, I counted dancing and heavy metal music in six out of ten commercials. I put the television on mute. I hate heavy metal and nobody dances around their house because of a bowl of soup or a Swiffer.

The worst are the car commercials. While the rock jingle was supposed to talk to a specific group, now it’s as standard as rack-and-pinion steering. They all seem to have people crashing through unmarked terrain with heavy metal blasting. They use words like “freedom,” and telling everyone to explore the world that’s “so damn beautiful it hurts.” By the end, you’re not sure if they’re selling technology or nirvana.

This is the end…

Bob Marley died of skin cancer that started in his big toe. It metastasized, the same way I think rock jingles are metastasizing. Marley ignored his toe, figuring it was just bruised from playing soccer shoeless. Advertisers have ignored the metastasizing of their industry pretty much the same way. They’ve ignored what will eventually kill them, if it hasn’t already.

Let’s look at car advertising again. Over half of the population barely gets outof their vehicles, let alone surf or bungie jump. Think about it. You sink eighty grand into a vehicle that rarely goes beyond the city limits. You’re exhausted just making the car payments. And don’t tell me anyone feels fulfilled in the end. Once that engine is turned off, so are you. Maybe you get an adrenaline rush staring at your vehicle. But that wears off, too.

So it goes…

I admit I played a part in advertising’s death. I’m not proud of it. It was my career for forty-two years. At least I tried something different, even if it did turn into some sort of Grendel. I doubt there’s any way of killing it now. All I can do these days is use the mute button. I know other people doing the same thing.

It’s all we have left before advertising caves in on itself, a dying beast breathing its last tailing of smoke. Make no mistake, it’s happening.

Until it does, mute what you can, or turn it off completely.

We have no other option.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, blogger and author of “You Can Lead A Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive).” You can join him every day by subscribing to robertcormack@medium.com/subscription.

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Comments

Pascal Derrien

1 year ago #8

Guilty as charged :-)

Robert Cormack

1 year ago #7

Ken Boddie

1 year ago #6

Robert Cormack

1 year ago #5

Robert Cormack

1 year ago #4

Robert Cormack

1 year ago #3

John Rylance

1 year ago #2

Ken Boddie

1 year ago #1

So you’re responsible for those jingles!!! When’s someone going to find a cure for all those horrible ear worms such as:

"Say bye bye to Louie the fly."

"Wouldn't it be nice if the world was Cadbury."

"Aussie kids... are Weet-Bix kids."

“Double your pleasure, double your fun (Wrigley's Doublemint Gum)”

I can’t even say “give me a break“ without being reminded of, “Have a break, have a Kit-Kat”. 

And what about Coke’s infamous uphill battle to right the wrongs of all those tone deaf cacophonous tuneless wonders with, “I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony)

What the?

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