No Viagra Kneaded to Get a Rise out of This

“The E-Sensual Cook” Chapter 2

This post is in response to a recent article I published, “Love Mussel”,

https://www.bebee.com/producer/@randall-burns/love-mussel

And the concept that quickly followed, “The E-Sensual Cook”, a series of cooking articles. In this post I discuss how to make the baguettes from that previous article. There will be more to follow in this series.

Bon Appetit!

   I began yesterday by making the poolish, the starter; flour, water, yeast, a primordial sticky mass oozing with life. Covered in a bowl and left in the dark overnight it has quadrupled in size. The 100 billion yeast cells engorging in an orgy of astronomical proportions, their only purpose in life to procreate, reproduce and multiply, the frenzied activity creating alcohol, indeed fueled by that alcohol and CO2 that are pushing the boundaries of their universe outwards at the speed of light. There is nothing else in their world, this is their whole universe, they know of nothing else.

   Is our world, our galaxy, our ever expanding seemingly endless universe just a random molecule dynamically alive for a “fleeting instant” in a mass of some “God’s” proofing dough, a by-product of fornicating yeast of gargantuan scale; a scale that we cannot even begin to comprehend?

   Gives a whole new meaning to “The Big Bang Theory”.

   Enough philosophizing for one day, let’s get down to business.

    I reach my hand into the bowl of flour, my fingers feeling the dust covering them. I clench, withdraw a handful and liberally, playfully dust the large maple wood table in front of me. I pour a large pile of flour in front of me, form a well, and add warm water, salt, more yeast, and the poolish. I thrust my hands deep into the soft, warm mass and begin to slowly incorporate the ingredients. My senses feeling the micro universe in front of me congealing into a uniform entity, adhering to its own laws of physics.

   The “Dance” begins slowly as my fingers and hands work the disorganized ingredients, dry flour and water coming together into a homogeneous structure, my senses feeling the harmonious union of the elements. My arms become more active as the batch becomes more cohesive, and excited. I can feel the gluten waking up, getting aroused, promoting even more the already carnal activity of the yeast. I can feel the life force through my senses, my touch; my mind withdraws allowing my body and instincts to take over.

    The dough’s consistency is becoming smoother, tighter and submissive; the “Dance” intensifies as I now massage the batch in earnest. I’m pushing firmly, fingers, hands, joints, arms and shoulders, working in unison to exercise the mix, to excite and arouse it, to bring it to its full potential. I pause to stretch and fold the dough, feeling it again with my senses, it communicates to me as to where to touch it, how to touch it. I’m checking the extensibility and the elasticity of the product, insuring they are balanced; it is Yin & Yang, like bringing a lover to the threshold.

    The dough is warm, elastic; it feels natural in my hands. I fall into a rhythm, my body rocking back and forth as I work the dough, fingers squeezing, hands pressing, arms guiding. I’m “working” the gluten, the proteins, I’m agitating and exciting the yeast, encouraging it to celebrate in its Saturnalia, I feel like a voyeur and a participant; I feel like a “God” manipulating their Universe.

      I can feel her responding to my touch, I work harder, massaging with more pressure, beads of perspiration appear on my forehead from the exertion, but this is not work, it is a labour of love. The dough is becoming “stiff”, the gluten spent and almost at its threshold. She’s had enough, time to rest. I slow down the rhythm gradually and form it into a ball, smooth skin, firm yet elastic that bounces back to shape from any pressure. I lightly lubricate it with a little Extra Virgin Olive Oil. The now glistening perfectly formed buttock on my table is irresistible and I unconsciously give it a slap. I roll it into a lubricated large mixing bowl, cover it with a damp cloth, and leave her to take her well-deserved rest.

   I’ve allowed her to “rest” for an hour but she has not; excited and aroused she has risen and when I arrive I can see her surging over the top of the bowl, she is looking for me, anxious and desperate for my return, wanting and needing my hands to fulfill her, she is horny in the extreme. She is on the brink, expanded to her saturation point, almost vibrating with anticipation, like a lover’s tense body on the verge, all muscles tight and locked.

      With a great sigh of relief she deflates as I roll her out onto the lubricated table, my hands glistening with Extra Virgin Olive Oil, I gently roll her, caressing her lovingly. She relaxes totally becoming dormant as she is recuperating from her rise and release. I divide her into 4 equal parts and gently roll them into balls, my hands cupping them provocatively like perfectly proportioned breasts that are arousing me. I quietly cover them and leave them to rest, wake and begin to rise in passion again.

   After half an hour I return to them, they are awakening as I roll them into loaves, I can feel the gluten and yeast’s excitement growing again. I rest them in their final bed; I leave them one last time to enjoy their final spree, another 45 minutes.

   I return, say a prayer, count my blessings and place them into the hot oven.

            Kitchen Tip of the Day

   “How does one cut an onion without crying?”

   “Don’t form an emotional attachment”

   Happy Cooking Everyone!

Starter (poolish)

1 cup cool water

1/8 teaspoon active dry yeast or instant yeast

1 1/2 cup Unbleached All-Purpose Flour

(Allow to rise overnight, 14 hours)

Dough

3 teaspoons active dry yeast or instant yeast

1 1/2 cup + 2 tablespoons lukewarm water

all of the starter

5 cups Unbleached All-Purpose Flour

3 teaspoons salt

Instructions

1. To make the starter: Mix everything together to make a soft dough. Cover and let rest at room temperature for about 14 hours; overnight works well. The starter should have expanded and become bubbly.

2. To make the dough: Mix and knead everything together to make a soft, somewhat smooth dough; it should be cohesive, but the surface may still be a bit rough. Knead the dough vigourasly for about 20 minutes to activate the gluten

3. Place the dough in a lightly greased medium-sized bowl, cover the bowl, and let the dough rise for 60 to 90 minutes, gently deflating it, folding the edges into the center, and turning it over after 45 minutes.

4. Turn the dough out onto a lightly greased work surface. Gently deflate it, and divide it into four equal pieces.

5. Round each piece of dough into a rough ball by pulling the edges into the center. Cover with greased plastic wrap, and let rest for 15 minutes; or for up to 1 hour, if that works better with your schedule.

6. Working with one piece at a time, flatten the dough slightly then fold it nearly (but not quite) in half, sealing the edges with the heel of your hand. Turn the dough around, and repeat: fold, then flatten. Repeat this whole process again; the dough should have started to elongate itself.

8. Place the logs seam-side down onto a lightly greased or parchment-lined sheet pan or pans; or into the folds of a heavily floured cotton dish towel (or couche). Cover them with lightly greased plastic wrap, and allow the loaves to rise until they're slightly puffy ("marshmallow-y" is the term we use in our baking school). The loaves should certainly look lighter and less dense than when you first shaped them, but won't be anywhere near doubled in bulk. This should take about 45 minutes to an hour at room temperature (about 68°F).

9. Towards the end of the rising time, preheat your oven to 450°F with a cast iron pan on the floor of the oven, or on the lowest rack. If you're using a baking stone, place it on a middle rack. Start to heat 1 1/2 cups water to boiling.

10. If your baguettes have risen in a dish towel or couche, gently roll them (seam side down) onto a lightly greased (or parchment-lined) baking sheet. If you plan on baking them on a baking stone, roll them onto a piece of parchment, and lift the parchment onto a baker's peel.

11. Using a baker's lame (a special curved blade) or a very sharp knife held at about a 45° angle; make three to five long lengthwise slashes in each baguette.

12. Load the baguettes into the oven. If you’re baking on a stone, use a baker’s peel to transfer the baguettes, parchment and all, onto the hot stone. Carefully pour the boiling water into the cast iron pan, and quickly shut the oven door. The billowing steam created by the boiling water will help the baguettes rise, and give them a lovely, shiny crust.

13. Bake the baguettes — on the pan, or on a stone — for 24 to 28 minutes, or until they're a very deep golden brown. Remove them from the oven and cool them on a rack. Or, for the very crispiest baguettes, turn off the oven, crack it open about 2", and allow the baguettes to cool completely in the oven, until both baguettes and oven are at room temperature.

14. Store any leftover baguettes in a paper bag overnight; freeze for longer storage. Thaw and reheat just before serving.