Now is the time for some humour

I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. 

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Why do people say they "work like a dog"? Our dog just sits around all day.

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Are You Too Old to Drive? (Not to be confused with - Are you old enough to drive?)

-- Do you think the new Cadillac's are too small?

-- Do your hands always stay on the sides of the steering wheel, even when you're turning a corner?

-- Does it take you more than four minutes to get out of your car?

-- When you parallel park, do you just back up until you hear something?

-- Does it scare you to get your car up to the speed limit?

-- Have you passed another vehicle in the last three years?

-- Do you use cruise control because your leg fell asleep?

-- Did you try to buy a motor home with a prescription windshield?

-- In the last six months, have you checked to see if your turn signal is on?

-- Does your bumper sticker mention, Reagan?

-- When the police pull you over, are they amazed to find out you're sober?

-- Do all police officers look about the same age as your grand kids (or great-grand kids)?

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I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.

In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. 

Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.

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Two overweight middle-aged men are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually. One man complained that he remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much he exercised, there was too much poundage on his backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay. His buddy agreed, saying, "It's true.  The lard works in mysterious ways."

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A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

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