On Love, Relationships, Loss, And Mind Hell

I've been somewhat less prolific than usual lately. A second divorce will do that to a guy's muse. 

No, Phil Friedman for pointing Dave's post out to me. Dave's post inspired me to write this one. 

If you haven't read it, please do.

RANT MODE ON

I'm a "post-mortem" kind of guy. When things go wrong, I like to dig into the "why" they went wrong. That lets me avoid repeating old mistakes, thus allowing time for inventing new mistakes to make. 

After my first divorce, and after the prerequisite period of resentment, anger, distrust of the feminine gender, lashing out, and dating women half my age, I eventually settled down into the "post-mortem analysis" phase. 

It took about three months to run the gamut of emotions and behaviors (both good and bad). I didn't do it alone.

I have a long-time friend/surrogate baby sister, Mo. At the time of my first divorce, Mo was also going through a relationship rough patch. We helped each other get through our respective Mind Hells. To be honest, I got the better end of that deal. Mo helped me far more than I helped her. Mo was instrumental in my keeping as much (as little?) of my sanity as I now have. 

A little after my first divorce, The No-BullShit Zone came to be. To give credit where credit is due, Mo invented it. I just named it, adopted it as my new religion, and ran with it.

I'll explain The No-BullShit Zone in another post. My first divorce was a war that became a state of "armed truce," that eventually became acceptance, and finally, the germ of a new, different friendship. 

The second divorce was a peaceful parting of the ways. That's mostly due to The No-BullShit Zone.

Insane Expectations

Popular culture feeds us a crock of crap about what love means and how our relationships should go. We often see it as an extension of our "Win" business mentality. 

It isn't. 

Too often, we adopt a philosophy of Fake It 'Til You Make It. That might work for your job (debatable) or other endeavors. It sure as hell doesn't work for relationships. If anything, it makes things worse. Use the "Fake It 'Til You Make It" strategy in your relationships and you are setting yourself, and your partner, up for a world of hurt.

Fake It 'Til You Make It is the most common strategy. It's very effective in the short term. It's disastrous for the long-term. The problem is that most relationships start off short-term and sort of morph into the long term on their own by the simple fact that they haven't ended. . .Yet. 

We're screwed from the start.

I doubt it's an intentional thing. It starts benignly enough. We meet someone new. There's an attraction. We want to place ourselves in a better light. We want to please that other person. We do some stuff that they like. They do some stuff we like. That's okay, some give-and-take is a good thing. A complete fabrication of a persona isn't good at all. Yet, we have all been guilty of it at some point and to some degree.

Last January, eight marriages and long-term relationships died. That's just from my personal circle of friends and acquaintances. I spoke to many of them as part of my post-mortem analysis. Bottom line. . . Five of the six couples should never have gotten together in the first place even though all but one lasted over ten years. The sixth relationship drifted apart, as did mine. 

I'll illustrate what I mean through two songs. Surprisingly, or maybe not, the first five couples prefer the first song while the sixth (and me) prefer the second. Coincidence? 

Maybe.

"Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden

There is no doubt that "Truly, Madly, Deeply" is a great song. It's on several of my Spotify playlists and I love the melody and vocals. I'm somewhat less enthused by the lyrics.

The opening lyrics go like this:

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning.

First off, what's with the future tense?  Shouldn't it be more like, "I am" rather than, "I'll be?" The lyrics sound more like a negotiation session than a declaration of love. There seems to be an unspoken "if" there.

The last part of the second line is particularly telling,  "(I'll) be everything that you need." 

Seriously? Everything? Define "everything." Does it even matter? It probably should.

That's Fake It 'Til You Make It at its worst. Forcing yourself to fit into someone else's idea of the ideal is a prescription for an eventual resentment-fueled explosion. You're building on a foundation of lies. They may be white lies, but they're lies nonetheless. 

You can't keep those lies alive forever. Eventually, your true self will come out.

Then what?

Here's a crazy thought. . .  Maybe we should consider starting with our true self?

One woman told me, "I don't know what happened. He always loved classical music. We used to go to the symphony often. . . at least 3 or 4 times a month. A few years ago, he lost interest, poof just like that, no warning, nothing, just what. . . A change of heart? I mean, our second date was to the symphony and our first weekend together was a trip to New York to see an opera and a Broadway show! What changed? What happened?" 

Her newly minted ex-husband told me, "At least I don't have to go to the fucking symphony anymore. God, I hated that shit."

He didn't lose interest. It was never there. They both made many concessions contrary to their true natures. They both faked those concessions for 17 years. Eventually, they couldn't fake it anymore. . . BOOM!

You can only bend so far, for so long, before you snap back. 

They both believe they drifted apart. I don't think so. I think the truth is far worse. The person they married never really existed. How is that fair or desirable? We all want to be loved for who we are. Why do we pretend to be someone else? 

Really, why? I'm asking.

The only logical reason I can think of is that if we don't pretend to be what they want, they won't fall in love with us. Scoop: They didn't. They fell in love with a role you were playing, a persona. It wasn't you at all. 

Why bother? Because you "got" them, because you "won their love?" That's so sad it's nearly pathetic.

Back to the song.

The last line is scary, "(I'm counting on) a reason for living. A deeper meaning." 

Wow!

I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist, but it seems to me that if another person is your reason for living, you have no business being in a relationship with anyone. PERIOD. You should probably seek professional help.

"All of me" by John Legend

This is another great song. It too is on many of my playlists. . . sometimes more than once on the same playlist. Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic, or maybe just a hopeful one. 

More importantly, it offers us a relationship model rather than a negotiation tactic. 

The refrain goes like this:

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you

" Cause all of me loves all of you. (I) love your curves and all your edges, All your perfect imperfections, Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you," implies that I accept you as you are. You accept me as I am. It doesn't say we have no faults. It acknowledges we do. It says we recognize the faults. It says we're okay with them. 

That's perfect, provided it's true and not just another case of Fake It To Make It.

"Even when I lose I'm winning," implies disagreement without adversity, blame, or fighting. That's great.

" 'Cause I give you all of me and you give me all, all of you," implies an acceptance of the totality of the individual, all of their faults, all their virtues, all their missteps, all their foibles, all their dreams, all their fears, everything. That's what love is built on. That's the foundation we all want but most can't seem to find. It's no guarantee that love is even possible, but it's a good start.

In my whole life, I only met two women that were completely effortless to be with and talk to. Only two that I could be 100% myself without weighing words lest those words be misconstrued. Only one where I felt like I'd known her forever within minutes of meeting her. 

Only one.

Too bad that was many years ago.

Too bad she's unavailable, now.

Here's to hoping I meet another.

Cheers.

RANT MODE OFF

Truly, Madly Deeply: Savage Garden