Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago · 7 min. reading time · visibility ~100 ·

chat Contact the author

thumb_up Relevant message Comment

On Love, Relationships, Loss, And Mind Hell

I didn’t want to
fall in love,
not at all.

I've been somewhat less prolific than usual lately. A second divorce will do that to a guy's muse. 

No, Phil Friedman for pointing Dave's post out to me. Dave's post inspired me to write this one. 

If you haven't read it, please do.

RANT MODE ON

I'm a "post-mortem" kind of guy. When things go wrong, I like to dig into the "why" they went wrong. That lets me avoid repeating old mistakes, thus allowing time for inventing new mistakes to make. 

After my first divorce, and after the prerequisite period of resentment, anger, distrust of the feminine gender, lashing out, and dating women half my age, I eventually settled down into the "post-mortem analysis" phase. 

It took about three months to run the gamut of emotions and behaviors (both good and bad). I didn't do it alone.

I have a long-time friend/surrogate baby sister, Mo. At the time of my first divorce, Mo was also going through a relationship rough patch. We helped each other get through our respective Mind Hells. To be honest, I got the better end of that deal. Mo helped me far more than I helped her. Mo was instrumental in my keeping as much (as little?) of my sanity as I now have. 

A little after my first divorce, The No-BullShit Zone came to be. To give credit where credit is due, Mo invented it. I just named it, adopted it as my new religion, and ran with it.

I'll explain The No-BullShit Zone in another post. My first divorce was a war that became a state of "armed truce," that eventually became acceptance, and finally, the germ of a new, different friendship. 

The second divorce was a peaceful parting of the ways. That's mostly due to The No-BullShit Zone.

Insane Expectations

Popular culture feeds us a crock of crap about what love means and how our relationships should go. We often see it as an extension of our "Win" business mentality. 

It isn't. 

Too often, we adopt a philosophy of Fake It 'Til You Make It. That might work for your job (debatable) or other endeavors. It sure as hell doesn't work for relationships. If anything, it makes things worse. Use the "Fake It 'Til You Make It" strategy in your relationships and you are setting yourself, and your partner, up for a world of hurt.

Fake It 'Til You Make It is the most common strategy. It's very effective in the short term. It's disastrous for the long-term. The problem is that most relationships start off short-term and sort of morph into the long term on their own by the simple fact that they haven't ended. . .Yet. 

We're screwed from the start.

I doubt it's an intentional thing. It starts benignly enough. We meet someone new. There's an attraction. We want to place ourselves in a better light. We want to please that other person. We do some stuff that they like. They do some stuff we like. That's okay, some give-and-take is a good thing. A complete fabrication of a persona isn't good at all. Yet, we have all been guilty of it at some point and to some degree.

Last January, eight marriages and long-term relationships died. That's just from my personal circle of friends and acquaintances. I spoke to many of them as part of my post-mortem analysis. Bottom line. . . Five of the six couples should never have gotten together in the first place even though all but one lasted over ten years. The sixth relationship drifted apart, as did mine. 

I'll illustrate what I mean through two songs. Surprisingly, or maybe not, the first five couples prefer the first song while the sixth (and me) prefer the second. Coincidence? 

Maybe.

"Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden


There is no doubt that "Truly, Madly, Deeply" is a great song. It's on several of my Spotify playlists and I love the melody and vocals. I'm somewhat less enthused by the lyrics.

The opening lyrics go like this:

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning.

First off, what's with the future tense?  Shouldn't it be more like, "I am" rather than, "I'll be?" The lyrics sound more like a negotiation session than a declaration of love. There seems to be an unspoken "if" there.

The last part of the second line is particularly telling,  "(I'll) be everything that you need." 

Seriously? Everything? Define "everything." Does it even matter? It probably should.

That's Fake It 'Til You Make It at its worst. Forcing yourself to fit into someone else's idea of the ideal is a prescription for an eventual resentment-fueled explosion. You're building on a foundation of lies. They may be white lies, but they're lies nonetheless. 

You can't keep those lies alive forever. Eventually, your true self will come out.

Then what?

Here's a crazy thought. . .  Maybe we should consider starting with our true self?

One woman told me, "I don't know what happened. He always loved classical music. We used to go to the symphony often. . . at least 3 or 4 times a month. A few years ago, he lost interest, poof just like that, no warning, nothing, just what. . . A change of heart? I mean, our second date was to the symphony and our first weekend together was a trip to New York to see an opera and a Broadway show! What changed? What happened?" 

Her newly minted ex-husband told me, "At least I don't have to go to the fucking symphony anymore. God, I hated that shit."

He didn't lose interest. It was never there. They both made many concessions contrary to their true natures. They both faked those concessions for 17 years. Eventually, they couldn't fake it anymore. . . BOOM!

You can only bend so far, for so long, before you snap back. 

They both believe they drifted apart. I don't think so. I think the truth is far worse. The person they married never really existed. How is that fair or desirable? We all want to be loved for who we are. Why do we pretend to be someone else? 

Really, why? I'm asking.

The only logical reason I can think of is that if we don't pretend to be what they want, they won't fall in love with us. Scoop: They didn't. They fell in love with a role you were playing, a persona. It wasn't you at all. 

Why bother? Because you "got" them, because you "won their love?" That's so sad it's nearly pathetic.

Back to the song.

The last line is scary, "(I'm counting on) a reason for living. A deeper meaning." 

Wow!

I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist, but it seems to me that if another person is your reason for living, you have no business being in a relationship with anyone. PERIOD. You should probably seek professional help.

"All of me" by John Legend


This is another great song. It too is on many of my playlists. . . sometimes more than once on the same playlist. Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic, or maybe just a hopeful one. 

More importantly, it offers us a relationship model rather than a negotiation tactic. 

The refrain goes like this:

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you

" Cause all of me loves all of you. (I) love your curves and all your edges, All your perfect imperfections, Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you," implies that I accept you as you are. You accept me as I am. It doesn't say we have no faults. It acknowledges we do. It says we recognize the faults. It says we're okay with them. 

That's perfect, provided it's true and not just another case of Fake It To Make It.

"Even when I lose I'm winning," implies disagreement without adversity, blame, or fighting. That's great.

" 'Cause I give you all of me and you give me all, all of you," implies an acceptance of the totality of the individual, all of their faults, all their virtues, all their missteps, all their foibles, all their dreams, all their fears, everything. That's what love is built on. That's the foundation we all want but most can't seem to find. It's no guarantee that love is even possible, but it's a good start.

In my whole life, I only met two women that were completely effortless to be with and talk to. Only two that I could be 100% myself without weighing words lest those words be misconstrued. Only one where I felt like I'd known her forever within minutes of meeting her. 

Only one.

Too bad that was many years ago.

Too bad she's unavailable, now.

Here's to hoping I meet another.

Cheers.

RANT MODE OFF

==================================================================================================
EDIT: By popular request, here are the full lyrics to both songs

Truly, Madly Deeply: Savage Garden

Songwriters: Daniel Jones / Darren Hayes

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning.
I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest power, in lonely hours, the tears devour you
I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me
Oh can you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to live like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me

All of Me: John Legend

Songwriters: John Stephens (real name) / Toby Gad

What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every move
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you
Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you



VI

 

Blog Poets

About the Author

I'm a ghost but not the kind that's to pottery
wheels. I'm the wnting kind

Toften wonder if Im a tech-savvy writer or a
writing-savvy technologist Maybe I'm both. As
one CMO put it, "Paul makes tech my bitch!
That might be going a hittle too far

myTweetPack.com
The Ultimate Twitter System






thumb_up Relevant message Comment
Comments

Lada 🏡 Prkic

3 years ago #77

#79
What a lovely compliment to my writing! Many thanks, Louse. I made many more short buzzes, like this one about ironing. To me, it's all about engagement with my online community, and I think that short-form contents can also provoke engaging discussion.

Louise Smith

3 years ago #76

#78
I think Lada \ud83c\udfe1 Prkic you stated that you don't write many posts They seem to stick in my memory though so the content must be excellent ! Quality not ....... !

Lada 🏡 Prkic

3 years ago #75

#74
Louise, thanks for reminding me. I found my buzz about Ironing Man and shared it again with my followers. For men, ironing can be a meditation, a catharsis and a necessary task all at once.:-) https://www.bebee.com/content/1834610/1727152

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #74

#76
LOL, unlikely. Mind you, I am looking into the possibility of emigrating to Florida's Tampa area. That's sort of like Spain-South-Southwest

Louise Smith

3 years ago #73

#69
Maybe in Madrid in Spain ?

Louise Smith

3 years ago #72

#52
Chris \ud83d\udc1dR Guest Cleaning Cleaning Ladies topics close to your heart like Ironing ?

Louise Smith

3 years ago #71

#54
Lada \ud83c\udfe1 Prkic Ironing is a topic here ! Also Cleaning Ladies Well I had an excellent Cleaning Man for a while This is quite a rare find My friends all asked me if he was Gay

Louise Smith

3 years ago #70

#68
Perceptive comment ?
#71
you are very welcome Paul \

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #68

#69
Thank you for that . As my Jewish friends may say, "From your lips to God's ears."
truly touching post
I trust in the workings of the universe, that with such a beautiful post, the time is near where you will meet another beautiful woman Paul \ it can happen every day, and every way!

Javier 🐝 CR

3 years ago #65

#66
Paul \ Pablo is still a kid :-)

Claire L Cardwell

3 years ago #64

When 'there's a will, there's a way' Paul \!

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #63

#65
Thanks, Claire L Cardwell. This second divorce was much less traumatic than the first. We still get along and are still in casual contact. Living in sin may indeed be the answer, but, in all seriousness, how much actual sinning is possible at my age? LMAO

Claire L Cardwell

3 years ago #62

Paul \ - sorry to hear about your mind hell, a break up is always a loss, (but often a big relief as well...). Don't think I would be up for getting married again, perhaps living in sin (and I have my own cleaning lady- I don't iron!) would be the answer...

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #61

#63
LMAO, Javi!!! I'm glad you enjoyed it even though it wasn't as funny as Javi vs The Plow. To respond to your comment . . . . Some of us just never learn. Seriously, I doubt I'll marry again. What's the point? It's not like I'lll have more kids. My kids will soon be having kids of their own. On the other hand, there are certain legal protections granted through marriage. I guess we'll just have to wait and see "Never" is a very long time, my friend

Javier 🐝 CR

3 years ago #60

#52
OMG, Paul. Would you marry for a third time? I doubt that I would for a second time LOL. a great buzz. I really enjoyed ! thanks

Javier 🐝 CR

3 years ago #59

Franci\ud83d\udc1dEugenia Hoffman, beBee Brand Ambassador happy birthday !
#60
Thank you Paul \. 😁

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #57

#57
Happy Birthday, Franci!!!

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #56

#58
LOL, yeah, or the lack thereof, Lyon Brave

Lyon Brave

3 years ago #55

nice to see some articles on relationships.
#56
Thank you Renoy George. 🤗

Ian Weinberg

3 years ago #53

Intense post and dialogue here Paul \ about a concept ar the core of our existence. And yet the more I try and reason it out and try and fathom the relevant dynamics, the less I know about the subject. It's the variable overload about a very complicated animal. I wish you well.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #52

#52
LMAO, Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier. You, my dear, are sexist (hehehehe, joking). Laundry and housework, indeed! Laundry and housework are asexual acts.Men don't often do laundry and housework not because they can't, but because there's a little of the slob in all of us. Cleaning ladies are much less hassle than girlfriends although a good one is nearly as hard to find. To be clear I am not at all planning to remarry a third time. For that matter, I'm not all that keen on starting any type of new relationship. Then again, people don't really find love. It finds them.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #51

#51
Amen, Franci\ud83d\udc1dEugenia Hoffman, beBee Brand Ambassador! I'd just add, don't start of with pretending and don't think "I can always change them later." Some minor adjustment is normal. Rebuilds are not

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #50

#35
Oh, Gosh, Paul. Would you marry for a third time? I doubt that I would, but I'd never say never. In fact, I would request that you slap me if you hear of me getting engaged. As for living together out of wedlock, no thanks to that as well. I'm not angry or bitter. I just like my freedom. Now if Mr. Sweet and Wonderful felt inclined to move into my neighbourhood for convenient access to mutually pleasurable company, that would be okay, but I sure as hell won't be going over to his place to do his laundry or housework.
Great rant, Paul. IMO, the best advice is don't try to change each other. And if it ain't working, time to move on.

Louise Smith

3 years ago #48

#46
Glad to know I can inspire !

Louise Smith

3 years ago #47

#46
Regardless of anything or everything it's a steep learning curve !

Louise Smith

3 years ago #46

#46
Nothing holy about it ! I just wrote the precis of Eric Fromm's work as I wondered if it was everyday reading for most of us & thought Not ! I agree with most of it ( there are a few typos though as I forget I can't edit comments in bB) but I have rarely made my opinion know as most people think that I'm too cynical. To be Academic, love & how to love is learned from birth. It's called attachment theory. See Mary Ainsworth & The Strange Situation https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Ainsworth She's American born but lived in Canada from 5 yo. So she must be ok ! Some people have good role models & others do not. However with awareness adults can relearn better more adaptive patterns. The keys to change are awareness, motivation, tenacity & just being fed up with constant experiences of bad relationships, unhappiness & depression (being lovesick?) or (being sick of love?)

Graham🐝 Edwards

3 years ago #45

Great rant Paul \... really good words!

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #44

#42
Louise Smith: Holy shit, Lou! I don't know if you're inspiring me or depressing me... LMAO
#32
Stay positive Paul & its good to express your feelings vs holding them inside. Here to help in any way or to just listen. I do enjoy reading your writings. Best, BillStankiewicz@savannahsupplychain.com
Being fortunate to meet my wife at college & still enjoying 35 years of marriage, I still feel like I am on a honeymoon. I always say practice PMA-Positive mental Attitude. Help others in life with no expectation of material gain and be kind that is important. Its how I continue to have fun, meet interesting people worldwide, and still work as a Professor for Savannah Technical College. Here to help & continue the great posts here Paul, I enjoy reading your writings. Best, BillStankiewicz@savannahsupplychain.com

John Rylance

3 years ago #41

Studies into what makes a good teacher, that ask good teachers why they are successful often reveal they have no real idea. The same applies to lasting marriages/partnerships those involved can't really pinpoint why they are successful. The answer in the teacher's case was for others to analyse what they did or how they did it to decide what worked. The same applies to relationships. The proviso being because it works for them doesn't mean it will work for you. The answer is you either work at trying to sustain the relationship, or decide that you unable to make any changes necessary. If any of us new the definitive answer we would be rich.

Louise Smith

3 years ago #40

#39
Thanks I think anyone can read it at any age ! Fromm presents love as a skill that can be taught and developed. Loving as something magical and mysterious that cannot be analyzed and explained, and he is therefore skeptical about popular ideas such as "falling in love" or being "helpless" because of it. He goes on to state thatvas modern humans are alienated from each other and from nature, we seek refuge from our lonesomeness in romantic love. Fromm observes that real love cannot be easily found. By developing one's personality to loving one's neighbor with "true humility, courage, faith and discipline" real love may be experienced. This should be considered a rare achievement. Fromm states: "love today is a relatively rare phenomenon, that we have a great deal of sentimentality; we have a great deal of illusion about love, namely as something one falls in. But the question is not about falling in love as one has to be in love. Eric Fromm's 'The Art of Loving' AND I think that takes a lot of dedication !

Louise Smith

3 years ago #39

This is one of those all time best posts !

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #38

#38
LOL, I hear ya, Jerry Fletcher! But, "never" is an awfully long time.

Jerry Fletcher

3 years ago #37

#23
Yeah, that desire to "set you up" is a pain where a pill won't reach. I've been lucky. I have two women that are friends. Both of them have been divorced twice more than me and as they say "never going back to that!" And so it goes.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #36

#36
Thanks, Lada \ud83c\udfe1 Prkic

Lada 🏡 Prkic

3 years ago #35

I met my husband during my first year at university. He was two years older. We married 8 years later, and we are still together - years after we first met. The same is with our closest friends. Three couples are also together since student days. There is no recipe. Maybe it's about luck or karma if you believe in any of that. Paul, I wish you to find a person you can be with and talk to effortlessly. It's the most important, besides love. All the best.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #34

#25
Exactly, although I do not espouse dictating terms. I just believe that time should be taken to make sure both sides are on the same page. How often do we assume motivations? How often do we hold back to spare the other a little short-term pain? What I propose is a safe, no-judgement, no-anger zone where either side can ask ANYTHING and the other will ANSWER TRUTHFULLY WITHOUT PULLING ANY PUNCHES. The only "rule" apart from no judgment and no anger, is that you should only ask questions that you want to hear the answer to. It's a question of knowing not guessing. Are you game to try, Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier? Go ahead, ask me anything suitable for this public forum and I will answer it.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #33

#4
Actually, Brian McKenzie it isn't really that "nobody is truly interested in the real & genuine me." Plenty are. Apparently, I'm a catch. Yeah, I'm as surprised as anyone. Must be the barn-door shoulders and little butt. It's more accurate to say that I don't buy the women's agreement to just about everything I say. I've already felt an instant and deep connection. I know what it feels like. I don't need the instant part, but I insist on a connection with at least the potential of depth. Somebody somewhere must have fed these women a heaping plateful of the bullshit known as the "fragile male ego." Seriously, girls, if a guy is too fragile to handle your strength you don't need him! Strong men prefer strong women. If a man can't handle a different opinion, then he's just an ass and you don't need him either. If you're gonna fail, it's best to fail early. Not only am I not interested in dancing to anyone else's tune (unless it's fairly close to my own) I also have no interest in having someone else dance to my tune unless it's fairly close to hers. I completely disagree with your assessment of the John Legend lyrics. I'm not saying they are Gospel, but they are close enough to my preferred reality that they well illustrate my point.

Phil Friedman

3 years ago #32

#24
Yes, you should have. Well, you'll be back sometime in the near future to visit your daughter, so just don't forget next time. Cheers!

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #31

#5
The first divorce was definitely of the crash and burn variety. The second not so much. Really, guys, I'm fine

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #30

#7
Right now I am NOT looking for a relationship and try to politely make that clear to everybody. The exception would be if that woman from ages ago allowed herself to become available. She's separated but not ready to look around. I can and do respect that. I keep my distance

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #29

#8
Will do. It may be a while. I just volunteered to cook at a summer camp for at-risk kids

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #28

#11
Thanks, Gert Scholtz

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #27

#12
Thanks, Pascal Derrien. No worries, I am not devasted, angry, shocked, impatient, short, lacking of trust, etc like I was after the first divorce. I really believe it's the shock and surprise of a sudden break up that actually hurts. Then comes the thinking back to ascertain "I should have known." This time was much different.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #26

#13
Louise Smith if you have had that type of deep instant connection with several or many people, consider yourself extremely (no, inconceivably) lucky! I feel much richer for having met just the one.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #25

#16
I assume it's carpe diem that's why I chose that picture. Mind you, Carpe vita tua (Seize Your Life) would probably better fit the post.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #24

#21
Yes, I agree. That is the tricky part, but I feel that if both partners have a very healthy relationship with their inner being, then the need to make someone fit into your plans becomes less compelling. Assuming you are joined because of all you have in common and have the ability to accept the other for who he or she is, then there is no need to create an agenda and dictate terms.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #23

#15
Thanks, Phil Friedman. Yes, it's a loss, but when a door closes a window opens somewhere. On another note, I am seriously pissed off at myself about something else. I noticed that I was 2.8 miles from you when I was in Ft. Lauderdale. I was on 58th. I thought of you when we took that water taxi on the Intracoastal checking out superyachts. We should have met for coffee.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #22

#17
Actually, Jerry Fletcher I'm not looking right now. That one woman from years ago was the exception. Funny thing, everybody from my pharmacist to friends, to ex-colleagues, to even my daughter's friends is trying to set me up with someone or other. I even have an ex-intern from my bakery who wants me to date her Mom (Mom's 47) I've politely refused them all.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #21

#20
Don't be sorry, Wayne Yoshida. Everything ends. My second wife and I were firm,y in the No-BS Zone. We talked things out, good or bad. The split was mutual. It isn't the break-up that hurts. It's the shock, disbelief and denial at the break-up. Normally, it's always a surprise for one side. In my second divorce, there was no shock, disbelief or surprise

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #20

#19
Thanks for that detailed comment Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier. Re: "The win for me is that I get to live life on my own terms rather than someone else's. " How great would it be if we could live life on our terms that mesh with someone else's?

Wayne Yoshida

3 years ago #19

Paul \ - Sorry to hear this. And, glad that you reached out to us with this most personal event on this platform for support. We're here for you.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #18

Part 2: As for those who stay married forever; I find that more often than not they are the people who should really go their separate ways. I usually find they can't stand each other, but won't part for stupid reasons that seem important to them. Here is another truth. It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship and live on your own. There is nothing appealing about having less money and less sex and having to do everything for and by yourself. The win for me is that I get to live life on my own terms rather than someone else's. I'll take that!

Renée 🐝 Cormier

3 years ago #17

Speaking as someone who has also done the marriage and divorce thing twice, I agree that our society sets us up for failure, if that's how you choose to see it. As children we are told that frogs and beasts turn into princes and that women are never more desirable than when they are weak and vulnerable (sleeping, being poisoned, hated by other women, locked in towers). When we get older, we hear trite phrases like, "You complete me, " and all the other barfy shit that comes out in sappy love songs and greeting cards. The truth is, we have unwittingly been programmed to look to others to make us better people, to give us value, to make us feel like we are right, rather than broken. The problem with that thinking is that being broken is about your own relationship with yourself, and only you can make that right. That's not to say that all of us who end up divorced are broken people. Many of us just grow up enough to realize being half of who you are to accommodate someone else's vision of you is not a very fun way to live. I didn't know it in either of my marriages, but I did exactly the same thing twice. I tried to make myself fit into someone else's ideal and it wasn't because I felt I wasn't good enough. I was just trying to keep the peace. After a while though, you begin to wonder why you are never good enough. I do know that I am a really good woman and there isn't a soul in the world who will convince me otherwise. The difference now is that I will not entertain relationships with people who try to take that away from me. Part 2 coming...

Jerry Fletcher

3 years ago #16

Paul, Welcome back to the road to recovery. I, too, have been through two rounds. I know where you are coming from and it ain't pretty. My first ended with a "Dear John" letter when I was half a world away. The most recent was what has become a worldwide phenomena--the "Grey Divorce. " These days more couples are splitting up as they edge past 50 particularly those that are empty nesters. We stuck it out until our daughter got through college and grad school and then the tide went out and never returned. I haven't yet brought myself to go "looking for love in all the wrong places" but I'll get there.

Louise Smith

3 years ago #15

Paul \ In the first photo in your post above I noticed the visible Tattoo letters are " .....iem" Carpe Diem ? "Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero" Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future.

Phil Friedman

3 years ago #14

Hey, bud, sorry for your loss. For that's what it feels like and probably is -- a loss. Maybe eventually for the better, but it never feels that way. From what I've seen, the neat trick in life (or "hack" for you millennials out there) is to understand that the only constant in life is Change and it's not written in stone that you have to be "with" someone. Just make sure that when you're alone, you're in good company. And be consoled by the fact that you can (obviously) cook. Hopefully, you can also iron ... like me. Good to have you back on deck. Keep in touch.

Louise Smith

3 years ago #13

Paul \ Thanks for this post Paul I like to think &/or believe that there are people with whom I could have this kind of connection in the future It's whether or not our paths will cross, whether we are like the Sun & the Moon a la R&J

Louise Smith

3 years ago #12

Paul \ At first thought, it's bizarre that half way across the world there are people with similar ideas but if I analyse it from a professional viewpoint I know it's not - is that what a connection is initially built on ? With the grand exception of Brian McKenzie 's posts (which BTW I totally enjoy reading for the honesty factor "alone") this is the first of this genre of posts I have come across on beBee If there are any others like this please tag me as I want to read them I backpacked around the world for a year when I was 28 In Eilat, Israel I met a Canadian Microbiologist who was a twitcher - mad keen bird watcher of feathered variety We traveled together to Mt Katarina, Sharm El Sheikh & up to Cairo. I was 6 months into my trip & he had just begun In the last part of his trip he came to visit me in Brisbane, QLD, AUS. We corresponded after that & a year or so later he discovered he had relatives here. So he visited them & me again. He was one of those people that I could be "100% myself & I felt like I'd known him forever" We were at different times in each of our life journeys so didn't connect any deeper than that but my life was all the more richer from having met him I treasure that experience In my life till now, I have met a few people with this kind of instant connection regardless of gender or ethnic identity. I hope I will meet some more. Being open to communicating & curious about almost everything, I think the opportunity will present itself .

Pascal Derrien

3 years ago #11

Paul \ ouch... its a case of I think I want and should say something but cannot come up with really anything that would make sense even to me. So I leave it that because no matter what I say or don't I think you need to get it out of your system and we should just listen for now. Bon courage ;-)

Gert Scholtz

3 years ago #10

Paul \ All I can say is best of luck from here on - and it's great to have you back "on post".

Louise Smith

3 years ago #9

Paul \ Fake It 'Til You Make It - a definite relationship "NO NO" vs Unconditional Acceptance Under Construction - is that what love is built on ? (that's from my Dachshunds except when I am out for more than 4 hours & Scapa the 8yo male protest pees on my Fridge !)

Louise Smith

3 years ago #8

Paul \ "Popular culture feeds us a crock of crap about what love means and how our relationships should go. We often see it as an extension of our "Win" business mentality. " You are right ! ( Dave Worthen)

Louise Smith

3 years ago #7

Paul \ I'll explain The No-BullShit Zone in another post. I look forward to this post Please tag me

Louise Smith

3 years ago #6

Paul \ "It took about three months to run the gamut of emotions and behaviors (both good and bad). " And then what ? You started dating for a real relationship again?

Louise Smith

3 years ago #5

Paul \ 'I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist, but it seems to me that if another person is your reason for living, you have no business being in a relationship with anyone. PERIOD. You should probably seek professional help." I am a psychologist & it's clear to me that if another person is your reason for living, you have no business being in a relationship with anyone. PERIOD. You need to seek professional help & definitely before you start another relationship !

Harvey Lloyd

3 years ago #4

Ahhhhhh the third dimension of love. That dimension we set aside in the beginning and show the 2d movie to the one we are excited about. But love has away of digging beyond the very flat 2d view. Sorry for the crash and burn epoch. You have two choices fight the need for companionship or go with it. The 3rd dimension does not like the fight of avoidance. So the natural flow will find you at the alter again or deep in an Orwellian nightmare. Being upfront with the third dimension of just you will insure a great journey of chaos and order that you can laugh at, together. Very authentic post of reality.

Lupita 🐝 Reyes

3 years ago #3

You’re welcome Paul \ 😄😄😄😄😄😄😄

Debasish Majumder

3 years ago #2

lovely buzz Paul \! enjoyed read and shared. thank you for the buzz.

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

3 years ago #1

Dave Worthen are all mentioned in this post

More articles from Paul "Pablo" Croubalian

View blog
1 year ago · 7 min. reading time

Misadventures In Mid-Life Dating: Heartbreak, Pain, COVID, and WTF?

Hi all, it's been a while since I've reported on t ...

3 years ago · 4 min. reading time

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating, the Male View: The Ambush

I think my re-entry · into the dating world would ...

3 years ago · 7 min. reading time

How To Build Your Own No Bullshit Zone

This is the follow-up to "On Love, Relationships, ...