Robert Cormack

7 years ago · 4 min. reading time · 0 ·

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Promoting a Book, Pressing the Flesh and Clit Rodeos

Promoting a Book, Pressing the Flesh and Clit Rodeos

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A friend of mine, someone with a big smile and lots of teeth, told me I have to promote myself more. “Get out there,” she said over the phone, her smile practically radiating through my mouthpiece. “Go press the flesh.”

Believe me, I’ve tried pressing the flesh. You can’t give flesh away these days. I’ve offered full skin grafts without a single taker.

Like every second person out there, I’ve written a novel. Even my former boss wrote one. He went through a self-publishing operation, I went with an agent. After a year, he got a royalty cheque for ten dollars. He admits he should promote his book more, but his house in Cabo blew away in a hurricane, and he’d rather promote the fact that it’s probably still circling the Pacific.

Promotion is a tough game. I’ve listened to the experts talking about SEOs and SMOs and every other trick in the book. I’ve raised my profile on social media to the point where I have five pages on Google. My biggest fan base is in India. They don’t care that I’ve written a book. They seem more impressed with the fact that I appear to be a population unto myself.

I’ve even posted videos showcasing my novel. People say they’re “a hoot,” but not as funny as the couple mistaking Superglue for lube.


That’s the thing with social media. You stand a better chance of being recognized gluing yourself to your partner than writing a book.

James Patterson, author of nineteen consecutive best-selling novels, offers tips on writing in a video that has 859 likes. The Try Guys do a video called: “Labor Pain Simulation” and get over 29,860,392 views in one day.

Each of these guys only lasted five minutes, which is still considered more interesting than a world renowned author. Their collective guttural sounds amounted to: “Ah-h-h-h-h-h!” which women viewers responded to with: “See?”

Someone posted a segment of Bill Maher’s Real Time, where he mourns the plight of comedy. Describing how Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Larry The Cable Guy think college students need to “lighten up,” he concludes that it’s pretty bad when a “Jew, a black and a moron” are telling you to lighten up. That video got 31,397 likes, still a far cry from six guys screaming through five minutes of simulated child birth.

In Don Delillo’s book “Mao II,” his main character, Bill Gray, a reclusive famous author, says: “The secret force that drives the [book] industry is the compulsion to make writers harmless.”

I don’t know if we can blame the book industry as much as social media. And I don’t blame social media as much as the people who watch it. If writers are harmless, it has more to do with interest than opinion. You have to be interested enough to have an opinion. That’s not as easy as it sounds.

Opinion seems to stem from what makes our blood boil, something authors have a hard time doing. E.L. James did it by unhinging all that bottled up lust that came from being, well, politically correct. Seems the same people who want us to “watch our mouths” don’t mind their own mouths being stuffed with a rubber ball, as long as the guy’s rich and, at times, conflicted.

We also get pretty boiled when someone starts talking about the condition of our earth. In an article posted by Science & Environment called: “Earth ‘entering new extinction phase’,” they claim the current extinction rate of “animals with backbones” is 100 times higher than it was in the early 1900s. Most at risk? The lemur.

A reader angrily wrote: “Do we really need lemurs?”

Reality really is stranger than fiction, and we obviously like things to be strange. What book can compete with one of our greatest Olympian athletes calling himself “Caitlyn”? Or Donald Trump starting his Presidential race bragging: “I will build a great wall along the Mexican border—and nobody builds better walls than me.”

Someone commented: “Yeah, but how do we stop the ungodly graffiti on the Mexican side?”

And what book, fiction or otherwise, can compete online with “Cliteracy 101,” an online series revealing such tidbits as the “internal clitoris” being longer than an unerect penis (up to 9 centimeters longer)?

The fact that males don’t know this is a major faux pas on our parts. As New York artist, Sophia Wallace, told HuffPost: “It’s insane to me that this is still happening in 2013.” She’s started an ongoing art project called: “100 Laws of Cliteracy.” One feature is the “clit rodeo,” a stylized inchfest, proving an internal clitoris can match an unerect penis any day of the week.

In an environment such as this, what chance does an author have? How do we compete with clit rodeos? Do we go waving our book around, saying: “This is longer than any internal clitoris”? We could try bootstrapping our promotional efforts with an art show, like: “See a clit and an author doing his bit.”

There doesn’t seem to be an alternative, other than hoping people eventually get tired of things like clit rodeos. It’s not that size matters, but certainly kitsch beats content. I’ve seen more likes for a photo of someone’s dinner than a book, and less interest in a million seller than a fox jumping on a trampoline.

Social media may not see a problem, but writers do. Our existence depends on being noticed, and it’s tough to compete with Caitlyn and whatever that fox calls itself. Maybe we need someone like Ted Turner. Look what he did for vintage movies. Maybe he can do the same for authors.

Bill Maher might decide there’s something inherently funny in writers trying to get noticed. Ann Coulter’s been on his show a number of times. She’s funny as hell. I don’t think she tries to be funny. Unfortunately, it’s tough to tell with Ann, especially when she talks about immigration leading to rape.

“Latins are just more expressive,” Maher responded to wild applause.

Coulter smiled, but you could tell she wanted to put a rubber ball in his mouth.

We can put rubber balls in everybody’s mouths, and I’m sure writers will still go unnoticed. We’re just not kitschy enough, though I saw a video of one writer signing books in a supermarket. It wasn’t a clever ploy. It was the only place they’d let him set up a table. He spent more time telling people where the soup aisle was than signing books.

Maybe that’s our fate. We’ll all end up as greeters, holding our books up, hoping someone notices (they’ll still probably want the soup aisle).

What do you think of social media today? Is it a place for writers? Or is it destined to be the domain of foxes on trampolines and clit rodeos? Let me know at: rcormack@rogers.com

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. For more details, go to Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Publishing.


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Comments

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #31

Glad you liked it, Sarah, and thanks so much for the review. Much, much, much appreciated. May I ask you one thing? Does the fact that the main character is a male turn off women readers? I get so many differing options, I'd love to hear yours.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #30

#40
Love the book, Robert, I even wrote an Amazon review.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #29

#38
I guess promotion does work.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #28

#39
Let me know what you think.

don kerr

7 years ago #27

Apparently this works Robert Cormack Just downloaded from Kobo. Looking forward to a good read.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #26

#35
I ordered it as soon as I finished typing my first comment.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #25

#36
Talented boy.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #24

#34
I love Dave Barry's work, too, Robert. I couldn't put down the kids books he wrote, the Peter & the Starcatchers series.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #23

#33
Yes, please order my book. I'm what publishers refer to as a "Fast horse if you're willing to wait."

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #22

#33
My favourite line is from Hunter S. Thompson's article on the death of Richard M. Nixon titled "He was a crook." In it, he talks about the comparison between Nixon and a badger. When hounds are chasing a badger, it plays dead waiting for the hounds to get close enough. Then it suddenly rips away at the hound's stomach. Hunter's great line is: "Badgers don't play fair, bubba, that's why God created dachshunds." I also find great inspiration in Thomas McGuane's "Panana" and Dave Barry's columns for The Miami Herald.

Sarah Elkins

7 years ago #21

I laughed out loud, Robert, this is hilarious and sad at the same time. Like Don Kerr, this is my favorite line (don't worry, I'll give you all credit when I quote you): "You have to be interested enough to have an opinion. That’s not as easy as it sounds." Awesome. Sounds like a smart version of something Tim Dorsey or Carl Hiassen would say. Time to order your book.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #20

#29
It's a very big cauldron, Don. Wear something light.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #19

#28
The answer to that may be in my latest article "A Love Story." Check it out.

don kerr

7 years ago #18

You have to be interested enough to have an opinion. That’s not as easy as it sounds. @Robert cormack Too true ain't it.? Thanks for the insight and advice from someone about to enter the publishing cauldron.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #17

#26
Thanks, Renee, I figured you might be in the business or have some familiarity through work. I'm in the awkward position of having the second and third novels (follow-ups to "Horse") and they're just sitting. I was supposed to launch in April, but the sales on "Horse" weren't what they'd hoped (despite the few good reviews). Now I'm sitting on four children's books (poems like Silverstein), and my agent tells me SkyPony (children's division of Skyhorse) is only looking at foreign translations. And, yes, I know about margins, but humour rarely sells in hardcover (even Tina Fey found that out). People want smaller books in general; these days you can't give away hardcovers (and yet my cousin's library is all hardcovers).

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #16

My second royalty statement was for $11,435. What did I get? Nothing. The money went to pay for returned books (postage, shipping etc.) What a lot of retailers do is rip off the covers and send those back instead of the books. It's supposed to save postage (which it does), but what do I do with a book cover? Chapters/Indigo made a habit of putting my book on the bottom shelf. All the books still sold, but Chapters/Indigo didn't reorder. One problem is, my book's only available in hardcover and ebook. My publisher claimed this was because they wanted it reviewed (only hardcovers get reviewed). When we were supposed to go to paperback (which would have done much better considering it's humour), my publisher suddenly decided to wait until 2017. I said, "Won't that bump up against the follow-up book?" He said, "I need to talk to you about that." I've never heard another word since.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #15

#19
This appears to be the common wisdom, Renee, and you do have to go beyond social media. Yucca Publishing encourages all its authors to get out and do readings. It's frustrating when only a few people show up. I've found it's better getting excerpts of a book in literary magazines. Rosebud Magazine has been good enough to publish chapters of my book and it has helped to some degree. But the whole "get out there and promote yourself" is publishers and even Amazon essentially taking their chips off the table. Marketing really matters and publishers refuse to back only the big authors. The money's there so that's where the marketing goes. I can't say I blame them, but it's really a weak, spineless strategy.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #14

#18
Again, the term is "agented." Books that aren't agented don't get on the book shelves or in most publisher's hands. The big five only take agented manuscripts, and even then, they're very picky.

Phil Friedman

7 years ago #13

#13
@Robert - I think you and I are agreed that, as you say, "Most publishers won't even look at a book unless it's agented...". However, it is also the case that only "traditional" publishers who have "traditional" lines of distribution through bookstores and bookstore chains put books on store shelves. So, I agree that if you can't get a traditional publisher to look at a manuscript without the help of an agent, and if only a traditional publisher distributes through bookstores, then logically, securing an agent becomes a necessary condition for getting the eventually published book onto bookstore shelves. But with all due respect, I believe it may mislead some would-be authors to talk about agents getting the books onto the bookstore shelves. Cheers!

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #12

#12
It's a very hard life, Jesse. I was turned down by 176 publishers, agents and editors before I was picked up by Transactions International (North American agents for Stieg Larsson). Once was I picked up, it was years of rewrites, things added, things taken away, book jacket designs tossed at the last minute, book titles tossed at the last minute. Even now, the promotion of my book rests on me (and Skyhorse Press made 23 million last year). So it's not for the faint of heart. As far as book tours go, they're usually a disaster. If they tell me I had to get there on my own steam, I won't go. These days, book tours, signings, they're not worth much anyway. John le Carré calls them "A flapping of wings."

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #11

#11
The term is "agented," Phil. Most publishers won't even look at a book unless it's agented, and no book stores carry books that aren't agented. When you self-publish, you're essentially guaranteeing you won't be seen further than online.

Phil Friedman

7 years ago #10

Gee, Robert, I always understood that an agent was necessary to get a reading of a fiction manuscript by a traditional publisher, but that it was the publisher who got the book onto the shelves of booksellers. But I'm sure I'll get that sorted out if I ever become a writer. https://www.bebee.com/producer/@friedman-phil/why-i-am-not-a-writer-and-other-random-observations-on-literary-keyboarding

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #9

#7
I went the very traditional route, meaning I got agented (can't get into stores without an agent) and going with a rising publishing house. My intent wasn't to become rich. I've simply been writing short fiction for years (see Rosebud Magazine) and I wanted to write a novel. All writers seek to be read, Phil. If you write, hopefully you have something to say. True, there is a lot of nonsense, but I'm also reading some amazing stuff, often put out by young writers. At least it has restored my faith in the education system. Here I was, thinking everyone was coming out of schools illiterate but, like I say, I'm seeing the product of some very sharp minds. I've also learned a tremendous amount about writing (even at my crusty age).

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #8

#6
We live in strange times, Kevin. I purposely wrote in short (shortish) chapters and ended up having someone ask: "Why do you write such short chapters?" My publisher assigned an editor in Texas. She said "I think your paragraphs are too short. I'll correct." She sent back the manuscript with all the paragraphs joined together. For that? $450. She was two months late with the manuscript and sent it directly to the (seething) publisher who printed it. At last count, we found 60 (very small) errors. Publishers demand very accurate manuscripts. Then they recommend a crazy editor. Strange world.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #7

#5
Been there, done that. I understand.

Phil Friedman

7 years ago #6

You're problem, as I see it, @Robert Cormak, is two fold: 1) you are mired down in the traditional pretension of an author who seeks to be read, and 2) you thwart your own distribution by insisting on being paid even a paltry sum for your efforts. In the first instance, you can resolve your cognitive dissonance by simply accepting that in this digital age of self-publishing, anyone can puke a word salad upon the digital landscape, and the autocratically add "author" to her or his social media profile, without a single person having read her or his work. In the second instance, you can dramatically change the playing field by revising your idea of what constitutes fair compensation for your work -- to the pay scale embraced by the vast majority of social media scribes, namely, empty point-and-click likes and insipid generic comments that fail to display any evidence that the commenter has even skimmed your work. Then again, you might seek peace by flipping burgers or bagging groceries. For in an age when anyone can publish at the push of a key or click of a mouse, the flotsam is way too thick to allow anything that is not to rise to the surface. Cheers!

Kevin Pashuk

7 years ago #5

You've convinced me to change my retirement plans Robert... All my dreams of becoming a famous author wearing a corduroy jacket with leather elbow patches, smoking a pipe and having some kind of Spaniel laying loyally by my side are now dashed. While there still seems to be a market for books, you've pointed out the challenge of Amazon's releasing the floodgate of mediocrity, creating a hurricane of drivel. I also think that too many people look at anything over 600 words Lin length as TLDR. It's their loss in my opinion.

Dean Owen

7 years ago #4

#3
it's the same with startup entrepreneurs chasing investors so I know how you feel.

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #3

#1
Thanks, Jesse. I've gone through similar problems, even with international sales. My agent says it's just the volume of books now. Ten years ago, you had, maybe 100.000 new titles a year. Now it's up over 600,000. Part of the problem is Amazon. When they decided to publish anything people wrote, it put an enormous amount of outrageously bad literature out there. Nothing we can do but follow the crowd (and it's a crowded crowd).

Robert Cormack

7 years ago #2

#2
Thanks, Dean. There are actually three books in the trilogy, but it could take a while before the next two are published. I'm having a hell of a time getting my publisher to print "Horse" in paperback. These days, you have to have great sales coming right off the blocks or everyone loses interest.

Dean Owen

7 years ago #1

By Jove you are a great writer. I am gobsmacked! Apologies for not noticing sooner. Perhaps it was the titles that were not drawing me in. But now I know, you can count on me to be waiting anxiously for your next.

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