Tales from Paradise, Pt-2

   “Paradise is a state of mind…”

   It was an idyllic Caribbean morning, clear sky, bright tropical sun, a light sea breeze rustling through the coconut palms outside the bedroom window. The house sat in Boatswain Bay, West Bay, on Grand Cayman, quite removed from the hustle of 7-mile beach and Georgetown with no real neighbors except a few cows in a grazing field next door. A beach close enough to walk the dogs and cats, (yes the cats came as well, too funny watching them “frolic” on the beach), the dogs enjoyed kayaking and Hell was within walking distance in the other direction. It was secluded enough that we could walk around the house “au naturel” when the mood hit us, (which was most of the time). I jumped out of bed, threw on a pair of surf shorts and prepared to seize the day. It was my day off and the first task on my “Honey-do list” was to wage a campaign against the Palmetto Bugs that had decided to camp out in my kitchen...   

    There is a wide range of creepy “critters” on Cayman from scorpions, very large centipedes that eat lizards and mice, banana spiders, etc. but the Palmetto bugs seem to be the most prevalent, and intrusive. For those of you who are familiar with Palmetto Bugs you will understand exactly what I’m talking about; for those of you that are not they are a giant, armored, flying cockroach that smell bad and are not shy. You can virtually see “the whites of their eyes” as they indiscriminately dive bomb your head, for no apparent reason. There is great comic relief in watching them get tangled in long, curly hair and witnessing the “funky chicken” dance the poor victim would unconsciously perform, (like my Ex who had a long mane of extra curly hair and wow could she ever dance!). They are widespread throughout the tropics but having them in my kitchen was not going to work for me.

https://www.google.ca/search?q=palmetto+bug&biw=1455&bih=684&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi55e-ytLrKAhVnsIMKHe5xDMQQiR4IgQE#imgrc=_

   Being a Chef I’m quite anal about the cleanliness of my kitchen. The fact that we had 2 dogs and 2 cats, (all adopted or rescued), in the household with accompanying food dishes is probably what attracted the bugs in the first place, not to mention the constant open doors and windows. You can understand it was very disconcerting to walk into the kitchen at night and hear the rustling behind the stove, pairs of antennae emerging from the back of the stove like periscopes, they seemed to hang out behind the stove.

   Along with the unique and colorful local Flora and Fauna the Caribbean has many other things available that generally can’t be found in the rest of North America, like Baygon, (a strong pesticide which I think has been banned in many places, It’s not available in Canada). I had picked up a couple of cans the day before at the grocery store in preparation for today’s mission. Speaking of which, back to the point…

   I had a coffee, fed the pets, greeted the cows next door, kissed the girlfriend goodbye and sent her on her way to work and then got down to the business at hand. I cleared the kitchen out of all the pet dishes, any food service items, cookware, utensils, etc. and armed with a can of Baygon I began. I started spraying around the base of the stove, underneath, around the sides. I could hear the rustling begin; I was starting to make my presence known. I came around the stove, sprayed down the back and moved over to the stove top. The “rustling” was getting more agitated and intense as I concentrated the spray over the stove top, I could sense their panic and ultimate defeat. He-He I snickered to myself, I felt like I was getting the upper hand, the tide was turning in my favor, I’m going to show them who’s the Boss in my kitchen… 

   Kaboom!!!!!

  ?

  Have you ever had one of those moments in your life that you felt “disconnected”? When you remember a “point A”, now you’re at “point B” but you don’t remember the in between. There’s been a hiccup, a fracture; the space/time continuum has been disjointed, interrupted, severed completely.

I remember “waking up” and I’m looking at that can of Baygon in my hand, I look down and see the oven door is open, my ears are ringing, my mind is very foggy… I stood there for a moment gathering my thoughts and then, like a movie playing in my mind, in slow motion, the memory of the events unfolded along with the comprehension of what just happened.

Apparently Baygon is quite flammable and while I was busy concentrating on the bugs; I was also busy concentrating the spray into the oven, via the stove top. When it reached a saturation point the pilot light, (a propane stove/oven), ignited it with a deafening “bang”. Just like watching a slow motion movie I remembered the explosion, the stove lifting 4 feet off the ground with the oven door flying open; I clearly remember the stove landing back in exactly the same spot it was sitting, with the door still open and me motionless, still gripping that can in my hand. When the haze in my mind cleared a few minutes later I looked around the kitchen, amazingly no perceivable damage. I then dared to look down at myself, hoping I still had all my fingers and toes…

   I surveyed myself and figured I better go look in the full length mirror. Well Thank God I decided to put on a pair of shorts that morning! When I looked in the mirror I saw that all of the hair on my body from my neck down to my ankles was gone! Except for where my shorts were covering, (just the thought of lacking shorts sent shivers up my spine). I can only assume the hair was vaporized instantly as I had no burns whatsoever.

I decided to take the rest of the day off from my “Honey-do list” thinking it would be safer for my wellbeing, grabbed a beer, thinking that would be safer for my wellbeing, and went outside to collect my thoughts and chat with the next door neighbor cows, who were now on the farthest side of their field, as far away from me as possible, so I settled for a dialogue with the large Iguana that lived in the rock outcropping at the corner of our property.

    The oven/stove was fine once I relit all the pilots, (Thank God for flexible gas lines)

   The dogs emerged from under the bed a couple of hours later once they deemed it safe, and/or they got hungry.

   The cats surfaced the next day once they deemed it safe, and/or they got hungry.

   I never saw those Palmetto Bugs again, (He-He).

   The ringing in my ears subsided over a couple of days.

   Most of the hair grew back eventually, (although that wasn’t the first time I’d lost hair through “miss-adventure”, nor would it be the last).

   I told the girlfriend that I really didn’t feel like cooking so I took her out for dinner, (which was fine with her). She did ask me how my war on the bugs went and my only response was “Mission accomplished”. (I did have to tell her the truth later due to my lack of body hair which really couldn’t be hidden).

   So remember kids, ALWAYS read the MSDS sheets and follow all Manufacturers’ guidelines/SOP’s when using any type of chemical/solvent/cleaner…bug spray…

   Happy Cooking Everyone!

(originally published on LinkedIn, Jan. 22, 2016)