The Caregiver’s Emotions

Many caregivers are struggling to find a balance between their feelings about being a caregiver and the act of caregiving. Many of the “duties” of being a caregiver are not onerous, they are routine.  Being in charge of doing laundry, going to the supermarket to shop, handling bills or completing Medical forms, being a caregiver means following a routine and can be pretty monotonous.

Taking care of your parent’s physical needs is not all there is to be a caregiver.  No, the real challenge of being a caregiver is the emotional support they need as they struggle with a life.

The toughest job is helping a parent or a sibling through a terminal illness. My friend Max is currently helping his brother who is suffering from a terminal illness. Max tells us that his brother putting up a brave front for his sisters and his friends. But when he is alone he experiences a range of feelings as he knows he is dying.  

When my mother was dying of a terminal illness I faced a range of powerful emotions, as I knew she was passing but I could not show my grief when I was with her. When I was not with her I did grieve, and perhaps that is why when she finally passed away from the cancer people thought that I did not seem to be grieving as much as my brothers. I am sure this happens to many who are in this situation.  The truth is, the many of us who are/were caregivers, grieve for our parent when they are here and we are working to see that they are as comfortable as possible as they get worse. By the time they die, there is a relief and by the funeral and celebration of life, we truly can participate and remember the person we cared for in a positive light.

Emotions affect how we behave in any situation and how you feel about the person we are charged with looking after will affect how we do the job. The research tells us that there are two emotions associated with taking care of a  person in decline. These emotions are pity and compassion. I never felt pity for my mom, and I am sure Max does not feel pity for his brother, but we both felt/feel compassion

I am not sure that the word Pity is a good word for the feelings a caregiver has about caregiving.  Sadness would be a better word. When we see our parent or sibling going through the agony associated with a terminal illness, I think we feel sad and compassionate. The sadness we deal with in private, the compassion allows us to act. Our compassion forces us to ask, “There’s a need. What can I do about it?”  Empathy and compassion are the natural emotions of a caregiver.

Can you influence whether you will react with pity or compassion to your elderly parent?  Yes, and how you manage your emotions will be a big factor in how successful you are as a caregiver.   There are three key tips you should keep in mind constantly to help you manage not only your emotions but how you react to problems that come up in your caregiving.  They are…

· Focus on the one you are caring for, not on yourself.  Focusing on yourself breeds self-pity and resentment.  Focusing on them builds bonding and affection for your mom or dad.

· Focus on the solution to the problem, not its effects.  A good doctor doesn’t cure symptoms, he cures the disease.  Don’t dwell on how bad something is but on what can be done to eliminate the problem entirely.

· Focus on creating joy and happiness, not grief and sadness.  Look for the good in a day.  Look for joyful moments, times when you and your elderly parent can laugh, enjoy a meal or a good movie and use this time for fellowship and being together.  That is the real joy of being a caregiver and one only you will enjoy to its fullest.

If you use these three “marching orders” of being a caregiver, your emotions will get in line and you will function out of compassion and not pity.  Then your emotions will become powerful aids in your goals to help your elderly parent.