The Decline and Fall of Us (Or A Silly Thing Happened on The Way to The Forum)

Contrary to popular opinion, the Roman Empire didn’t fall because of roaming barbarian tribes. Not that there weren’t barbarian tribes. In fact, there were more barbarian tribes than you could shake a stick at. What really caused Rome’s demise was distraction. By the time the barbarians stormed the gates, Roman’s citizens were so wrapped up in distractions, their first words to the interlopers were, “Are you performing at the Colosseum tonight?”

According to historians and archeologists, Rome was a hopping place, offering free performances in open-air theatres, Olympic games, and regular blockbusters like gladiators, naval battles, and feeding Christians to the lions (actually, this has been disputed; Christians were never eaten by lions, they were simply mauled until they didn’t care what religion they were).

But it’s what these distractions caused that really ended the Roman Empire. By the end of the 3 rd century AD, men refused to marry, children were raised without fathers, and women lost interest in childrearing, turning it over to nannies. As women started attaining more wealth and position, men lost their motivation. They turned to distractions like prostitution, homosexuality and vice. Women—not to be outdone by men—turned to women.

In any event, the hordes, as they were called, made short work of these Romans. All their games, toys and extravagances showed what silly ninnies the Romans had become. They were no match for the barbarians, nor did it dawn on them how silly they were until the barbarians started raping and pillaging.

So the barbarians didn’t cause the fall of Rome. If anything, they were a mopping up operation, something that essentially quickened what was already a moral and demographic collapse.

Now let’s fast forward to today. It seems what took Romans centuries to achieve in silliness, we’re doing in a matter of decades. In just the past few weeks alone, we’ve seen it taken to a level never seen before in history.

Today, the equivalent of the barbarian hordes are the Islamic extremists, a group threatening attacks on American soil. I can’t help but wonder what will happen when an Islamic terrorist comes face to face with an American at two in the morning looking for a Pokémon.

Recently, a teenager was killed trying to find a Pokémon in someone’s kitchen. Unfortunately, the owner, an elderly widow, thought he was a burglar and shot him (using her dead husband’s gun). If an elderly widow can take out our intrepid youth, think what an Islamic terrorist can do (just so you know, toddlers have killed more Americans in 2016 than Islamic terrorists).

At least in Bosnia, the government has urged Pokémon Go players to avoid marked areas littered with unexploded mines left over from the 1990s conflict (should go without saying, but still). And in Indonesia, officials have banned employees from chasing after Pokémons at the Presidential palace.

And just so you know, Canada isn’t without its silliness. The Toronto Transit Authority recently sent out warnings that “no Pokémons were on the TTC tracks.”

So far, no such restrictions or warnings have come out of the American government, but I’m sure Donald Trump will soon threaten to build a wall around Nintendo. Since the Donald has already shown a propensity for using songs without the songwriter’s approval, he’ll probably have Tom Petty do “Don’t Pokémon Here No More.”

Closer to home, a woman went on the Internet, asking if anyone had an iPhone 5 S for sale. “My daughter smashed hers to bits and I had just bought it for her!” she wrote. Someone responded saying, “Get an otter box with the next one!”

Now, all of this may seem like select examples of silliness, but we’re following the early Romans on a much larger scale. Like them, we’re now at a below-replacement birthrate, shoring up the numbers with immigration. Our distractions, like the Olympic Games, also demonstrate a level of corruption not seen since ancient times.

The Russians are now guilty of a doping scandal that goes all the way up to the top levels of government. Before the finger-pointing stops, however, I’m sure other countries—including ours—will have their own doping scandals exposed (once the Russians demand full transparency from the IOC, which they will).

And while rumor, backstabbing, and general badmouthing ran rampant before the fall of the Roman Empire, it’s nothing compared to today. The “gloves off” mentality is showing just how nasty politicians can get with allegations and fact-bending. We may not be bumping off emperors like crazy, but we do like a good messy fight, especially if political correctness and litigation is involved

A high school senior is threatening to sue the Tallahassee School Board after not making the cheerleading team. A Missouri rodeo clown was banned from performing because he wore a Obama mask (now all rodeo clowns have to take sensitivity training, ‘cause you know, rodeo clowns can be insensitive).

And while mass media used to provide entertainment, it’s now doing what even Roman consuls didn’t dare do. It’s telling us who’s a god, as evidenced by a video floating around social media now, showing a little boy praying to Barak Obama as if he’s a deity.

Yet as harmless as Pokémons, talentless cheerleaders and misinformed infants may seem, it suggests a weakening of our sanity. I say “sanity” because that’s all that separates us from the hordes (political correctness requires that I don’t name these hordes, since the FBI is presently spending millions removing the offensive titles from present and past White House documents).

If we’re really so worried about these hordes, we’d do well to learn from history. The danger today isn’t a terrorist war or a nuclear war. It’s exactly what the Roman Empire faced: a distracted population, so concerned with its luxuries, conveniences and novelties, the country is there for the taking (I saw a woman fall into a three foot trench on the sidewalk—clearly marked—because she was “checking” her text messages; no problem sneaking up on her).

Distractions are nothing more than doing what we please and thinking it’s freedom. We ignore what we want to ignore, believing somehow this offers us some sort of protection. As George Orwell said: “Obvious facts and truths can be ignored when they are unwelcome.” But what it does is weaken us, and no amount of arms or surveillance or political chest beating can make us any safer. Not when terrorists stick to good ol’ single-minded extremism.

What do you think? Have we reached the point where Pokémon and political correctness are more of a threat to national security than terrorists? Let me know at: rcormack@rogers.com