The Rise of Nymphobrainiacs.

Glasses on or off?

“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words.” Isabel Allende

A woman wrote me a while ago, saying I didn’t know diddly about g-spots. She claimed my article “The Inconvenient Male G-Spot” spent too much time on men, and too little on women who have g-spots all over the place.

“We’re loaded with them,” she said, pointing out that the largest one is between a woman’s ears. “Where do you think the term nymphobrainiacs comes from?” I thought that was an unfair question. I’d never heard the term “nymphobrainiacs” before — or that g-spots reside in a woman’s cranium.

They aren’t calling themselves “nymphobrainiacs” yet, probably because they haven’t done extensive research like I did by opening an Urban Dictionary.

After considerable research consisting of looking up “nymphobrainiacs,” I was astounded to learn it’s a real word. It refers to sapiosexuals or “sapios” for short. OKCupid even allows people to qualify themselves as “sapios.” They aren’t calling themselves “nymphobrainiacs” yet, probably because they haven’t done extensive research like I did by opening an Urban Dictionary.

In any case, “sapios” or “sapiens” are now the fastest growing segment of the dating community. “Homo sapiens,” as we all remember, from anthropology (who didn’t take anthropology?) describes how cro magnon man became wise (I know, I know, cro magnon women became wiser).

So, okay, going back in the Paleolithic Period, men picked up sticks, and women told them to stop waving those things around. It was still better than picking up snakes obviously. Not that men — or women — were all that brainy when it came to sex. Humour, wit and wisdom got you nowhere back then.

Look, you spent each day chasing—or being chased by— big, ugly animals. They didn’t give a shit about humour or wit. Women therefore set their sexual priorities on brawn and might.

This went on for thousands of years. By scratching their heads and grunting, cro magnon men had sex without any complications. No cro magnon women appear on cave drawings chasing a man for something more serious.

This is when women needed to make sure a man wasa man because everyone wore tights and had long hair.

In fact, sexologists believe there’s little evidence supporting sex as an intellectual pursuit until the late 17th century. This is when women needed to make sure a man was a man because everyone wore tights and had long hair.

Some believe it was the advent of poetry that created sapiosexuality. Characters like Shakespeare probably did okay with women. Most women didn’t have a clue what he was saying, but it sounded better than “aye” and “nay,” which was about all men uttered before, during or after sex in those days.

True “sapiosexuality” didn’t catch on until this century when someone calling himself wolfieboy coined the phrase. “I don’t care too much about plumbing,” he explained. The word caught on, entering the Merriam Webster dictionary as “someone sexually attracted to highly intelligent people.”

By 2012, it was all over the place. Women didn’t have to worry about big ugly animals anymore. Neither did men, for that matter, so intelligence — particularly humour, wit and wisdom — became desirable.

There are even studies showing a direct correlation between intelligence and virility.

You could say this is the latest stage in the evolutionary ladder. There are even studies showing a direct correlation between intelligence and virility.

Down at the University of Mexico, they found that men who scored highest in intelligence also had the highest sperm count. Anthropologists claim this makes sense. To advance the species, we need intelligent sperm. Otherwise, the world would consist mainly of professional wrestlers.

Now let’s turn to The University of Iowa. They’ve conducted studies every year since 1939, asking men and women to rank 18 of their most desirable characteristics in a long-term mate.

In 1939, intelligence ranked 11th (not surprising since we had a war in progress; brawn came in handy). Seven decades later, intelligence jumped to 4th place.

Even more interesting was a study done at the University of Buffalo. They asked 118 men if they’d like to date an intelligent woman. Eighty-sex percent said yes, but went limp as willows when presented with the opportunity.

Women, in the same study, considered intelligence and humour as a sure sign the guy had something upstairs. As Alastair Clarke, author of The Pattern Recognition Theory of Humour, says, “Humour is not about comedy; it is about a fundamental cognitive function.” Cognitive function means movement.

Women like insightful. Throw insightful up next to brawn and women would ideally like a brawny thinker.

So women are attracted to brain movement, and a healthy brain is both funny and, therefore (according to Clarke) insightful. Women like insightful. Throw insightful up next to brawn and women would ideally like a brawny thinker.

This is making a lot of women nymphobrainiacs, giving rise to a whole new evolutionary pattern. Not that working on your muscles will go amiss. Physical health is still right up there, as long as the guy isn’t dumb.

“I don’t have enough time to fix a dumb man,” Scandie5 wrote on Reddit, Ask Women. Time is an important aspect. Nymphobrainiacs are definitely time-oriented. They’ve got things to do. Dealing with dumb just makes them think they’re dating a professional wrestler.

It also doesn’t fit in with “smart sex,” another term I had to look up in the Urban Dictionary. Smart sex means both men and women know what they’re doing. They know where the g-spots are located. One of those g-spots is upstairs. There might be a whole bunch. They could be growing as we speak.

When asked what intrigues them the most, most nymphobrainiacs mention a sense of humour. It’s a sliding scale, though. It doesn’t always get you to second base. As one guy described it, “I’ve been on plenty of dates where the woman was laughing at a lot of the stuff I said. However, the thing they found the funniest was the idea of a second date with me.”

By “nympho” it’s supposed to mean insatiable sexual desires. Most of us aren’t all that insatiable.

Needless to say, there’s more work to be done. First, we have to decide if we’re really nymphobrainiacs or not. By “nympho” it’s supposed to mean insatiable sexual desires. Most of us aren’t all that insatiable. We’d like intelligent conversation, but not if it means carrying around encyclopedias (actually, we are now with our phones, but we’re not a reference library).

At the same time, we can’t just throw a pair of glasses on a pro wrestler and figure we’re nymphobrainiacs, or go chasing librarians all over the place simply because they fit the nymphobrainiac profile.

I mean, sure, the shy bookworm with her hair loosely tied up, wearing tortoise shell glasses, does have a certain appeal. But maybe she’s had too much of books and learning and, dare I say, wit. Maybe what we think is the ideal nymphobrainiac just wants a guy to scratch his head and grunt.

It’s a minefield, in other words, and I, for one, don’t want to be a “nympho” anything until I have this sorted out.

It’s a minefield, in other words, and I, for one, don’t want to be a “nympho” anything until I have this sorted out.

If the g-spot is between the ears, I guess I’d better start there.

The last thing I want is someone thinking I’m a pro wrestler.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)”is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.