The Vampires of French Kissing.

“Some people kiss like a washing machine.” MsaDare

“I love French kissing as long as I don’t feel he’s trying to eat my face,” Achella said on Reddit, referring to a few isolated incidents of vampirism. She’s not blaming the guys, either. They meant well. It’s just that their technique felt more like a teeth cleaning than kissing. “I know they’re mimicking sex,” she explained, “but I hate wondering if I’m going to need Novocain.”

As vampires go, that’s pretty mild. She could have been dealing with a real vampire like Rachael, who said her boyfriend, “practically dove down my throat.” They’re still together, which had one male reader asking why women accept vampires with wet, slimy tongues.

“Because,” Rachel replied, “it gives your lizard brain something to work with in terms of figuring out whether to bone or not.”

Some women don’t like vampires. Others do, but it’s still intimidating when you hear terms like “tonsil hockey” and “tongue tango.”

That’s one way of looking at it. French kissing has always been a lead-up to other things. If it’s not, either you’re too early in the relationship, or you’re a vampire. Some women don’t like vampires. Others do, but it’s still intimidating when you hear terms like “tonsil hockey” and “tongue tango.”

Imagine how women felt the first time vampires turned up, looking like their husbands or their boyfriends. This was back just after WWI when British and American servicemen were coming home. They grabbed their girlfriends, wives — or whoever was handy — and said “This is how French women do it,” and shoved their tongues down their throats.

Since the wives or girlfriends hadn’t had sex since their lovers went off to fight the Hun, they didn’t care what French women did. Two years was two years. Tongue me, don’t tongue me. At least you’re not a Hun.

This is how French kissing got started on our side of the pond. Nobody was particularly good because servicemen didn’t exactly spent a lot of time with French girls. They got the basics, which the wives and girlfriends got as well. Everyone was flying by the seat of their pants, in other words, wondering if their tongue should go here or there.

I don’t know how many third century Kama-Sutra lovers became vampires, but they were a pretty randy bunch. Some were bound to overdue it.

Nothing was written down in detail, other than some third century Kama Sutra, which said the “interior of the mouth” was open territory. I don’t know how many third century Kama-Sutra lovers became vampires, but they were a pretty randy bunch. Some were bound to overdue it.

Still, it’s a long time between the third and 20th century. What were people doing in the meantime? Religious wars, and wars in general, were pretty popular, but a good vampire would still take a moment during raping and pillaging to show a girl how “tongue plunging” works. If you weren’t being massacred, you probably didn’t care if the guy was a vampire or not.

Things might have taken a sudden turn during the Moor invasion of Spain where the “Spanish kiss” first got started. It differs from the “French kiss,” since it includes some suction during tongue withdrawal.

If you’re hanging around for a few hundred years like the Moors, what better way to say “I’m a real serious invader” than to stick your tongue down someone’s throat and throw in some suction? That’s what invasions are for, isn’t it, or why do them in the first place?

Somewhere along the way we got vampires, possibly the Moors, maybe the French. Certainly it’s come a long way in terms of technique, or maybe we’re going back over old territory. Perhaps they were way better kissers back then.

If it looks like you got slapped with a wet sponge, your partner is a vampire.

In any event, we’ve got vampires, and if you’re wondering whether your partner is one or not, there are simple ways to find out, all of which can be done without your partner (possible vampire) even knowing.

The Spit Test: This is arguably the most effective test requiring nothing more than checking your face after an intimate kissing session. If it looks like you got slapped with a wet sponge, your partner is a vampire.

The Bathroom Plunger Test: If kissing your partner sounds like a toilet being unclogged, he’s definitely a vampire (check for Spanish or Moor lineage).

The Tonsil Test: People used to mistake vampire puncture marks for hickies. Are you doing the same thing now? I don’t mean hickies. I mean sore throats. If your throat’s constantly sore after kissing, bingo, vampire.

The Gila Monster Test: Vampire French kissers often leave a slight smidge of tongue sticking out the side of their mouths. They’ll say they’re just clearing away crumbs from the brie and crackers, but they’re vampires.

As one woman expressed on Quora, “It’s boring, and you end up covered in someone else’s spit.”

These tests will certainly expose a vampire, which is important. Vampirism isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. As one woman expressed on Quora, “It’s boring, and you end up covered in someone else’s spit.”

On the other end of the equation, there are vampire fans, some of whom find certain facial features a real turn on. “Mick Jagger could French kiss a moose,” Joan Rivers once said. “He’s got child-bearing lips.”

Gene Simmons, of Kiss fame, claims his prodigious sex life became really prodigious after he demonstrated the full length of his tongue on stage. “I had chicks coming around who didn’t even care if I unzipped my pants,” he said. “I could have shaved years off of worrying about my dick.”

The Spanish may have added a new twist to vampirism with the whole “sucking action” thing, but now the Japanese have gotten into the act. Researchers in Tokyo have invented a French kissing machine allowing lovers to be thousands of miles apart and still be able to “tongue tango.”

And by “kiss,” we mean waggle your tongue on a plastic straw, thereby making another plastic straw waggle remotely on someone else’s tongue.”

“We admit to being creeped out by this,” CNN reported. “A Japanese lab has created a device that lets you French kiss someone over the Internet. And by “kiss,” we mean waggle your tongue on a plastic straw, thereby making another plastic straw waggle remotely on someone else’s tongue.”

This was demonstrated on “The Big Bang” when Wolowitz and Koothrappali engaged in some “tongue tango” with a remote device, seriously worrying Leonard who had to watch, and possibly confirming what we suspected about Wolowitz and Koothrappali in the first place.

As humans, we’re always capable of exceeding a pleasurable experience, sometimes to the point where it’s downright embarrassing. One author, Ingrid Newkirk, had her character, Nell, say, “If you French kiss your dog and he or she thinks it’s great, is it wrong?”

Of course it’s wrong. Dogs are affectionate, trusting creatures who will do anything for attention (and food). Overstepping the owner/dog relationship is more creepy than a Japanese French kissing device.

If you’re into French kissing or vampirism, or anything in between, just about anyone is preferable to a collie or a Great Dane.

Let’s agree, dogs don’t need vampires in their lives. If you’re into French kissing or vampirism, or anything in between, just about anyone is preferable to a collie or a Great Dane.

Hopefully this helps you navigate what Montaigne once called, “The greatest gift of intimacy.” The tongue is a marvelous thing but, as one person on Reddit mentioned, “We shouldn’t have to be pointing out to someone the difference between an erotic appendage and a worm.”

There are worms and vampires among us, and if you’re still worried about whether your partner is kissing or sucking the life out of you, follow the points above, and then decide if you can live with it or not.

Physiologically speaking, tongues have twice as many nerve endings as genitals.

Either that or get a Japanese French kissing device. They’ll be available online soon. Your partner can work on that while you’re working on dinner. And don’t blame them for being a vampire. Physiologically speaking, tongues have twice as many nerve endings as genitals.

Your partner is onto a good thing, in other words. Maybe it’s time you gave vampirism its due. It might be more exciting than you think. Or it sucks. At least you’ll know. So will your dog. They’re really hoping you think it sucks.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.