Time to go: moving forward vs. leaving behind
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.You’re on your own, and you know what you know.And you are the guy who’ll decide where to go.”I originally published this on January 27, 2016 on my blog www.ridingshotgun.squarespace.com
Dr. Seuss
The motivating reason for creating Riding Shotgun: The Blog was and is to help male caregivers (and others as it turns out) provide meaningful help to partners on the cancer trail. I undertook this effort in 2012 to experience the cathartic benefit I find in writing and to motivate men in a similar position to take the bravest action possible - acknowledge vulnerability.
“I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.”
Brene Brown
I have repeated, ad nauseam, the fatality that is wrapped up in our male instinct to fix it. We cannot. No one can fix the trauma that is a cancer diagnosis. That does not leave us without hope. It offers us an opportunity to embrace and explore the adversity entering our lives. It offers us an opportunity to display genuine courage by stripping down the scaffolding of male pride. It gives us the gift of acknowledgement and the chance to decide where we will go.
It is not a trip to take on your own. At least, it wasn't for me. In fact, attempting this trek on a solo basis seems antithetical to the learning process. How do we grow in the absence of perspective offered by people who care for us?
So you say, "I have no one who cares for me. I am alone and bereft of a caring community."
I once thought that and early in the trip that Kate's diagnosis sent us on, this perspective resonated powerfully within me. It allowed the dragons of implicit memory to burn their way back into my conscience.
Then I joined a small group of 'troubled' people.
Every week for two hours since 2012, I joined this tribe to share, to learn, to commiserate, to laugh, to cry, to rage, and to puzzle. To be vulnerable and to grow.
“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.”
Madeleine L'Engle
Today will be my last day with that group.
Recognizing this creates a mix of emotion. It generates different sensations in my head, heart and gut. Overall though is my belief that the people in this group, collectively and individually, have enabled me to move forward with understanding rather than run from a troubling life view.
They have put the wind in my sails and their generosity of spirit has rekindled my faith in the fundamental goodness of people - 'troubled' or not!
Be well.
Moving forward. Always forward.
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Comments
don kerr
7 years ago #2
Thanks so very much Dean Owen That means a great deal to me.
Dean Owen
7 years ago #1