Violence and Degradation In The Heart of Texas

Even ex presidents aren't safe down there.

“Good thing we’ve still got politics in Texas—the finest form of free entertainment ever invented.” Molly Ivins

It’s a disturbing sign of the times when an ex president is punched in the face — even if he deserves it. No doubt history will declare that he did, since he’s Donald Trump. But here’s my problem: Why didn’t he defend himself? He just stood there, looking stiff and presidential. Hell, he didn’t even raise his voice when they dragged him down to the basement of the Louis Tussauds Waxworks.

Asked if he would be returned, nobody could say for sure. As one person noted, “He’s got more dents in his face than a rodeo rider.” At least a rodeo rider can blame a bucking bronco or Brahma bull, whereas the former president got kicked and punched by, well, Texans.

And while many think Donald Trump returned to Mar-a-Lago after his inglorious defeat, the good people of San Antonio know he’s at the Alamo Mall, sitting next to W.C. Fields, a man he never found terribly funny.

Trump would probably call them losers since, hell, he called John McCain a loser — and McCain survived captivity and torture in Vietnam.

Perhaps it’s poetic justice, since San Antonio is considered the most fought-over city in U.S. history. It was the setting for The Alamo, where two hundred and twelve Texans were slaughtered by Santa Anna’s army. Trump would probably call them losers since, hell, he called John McCain a loser — and McCain survived captivity and torture in Vietnam.

Not that Trump won’t admit The Alamo was a hell of a battle. Many fine Texans lost their lives there, including James Bowie and Davy Crockett. They just weren’t lucky Americans like George C. Patton or Douglas McArthur. Now those were generals who came back in one piece.

It still frustrates Texans, though, seeing Trump standing there, while their great Republican state turned Blue before their eyes. It’s enough to raise a few hackles — and fists — according to staff at Louis Tussauds Waxworks.

Politics is politics afterall, and if you’re going to take your frustrations out on anybody, why not Trump?

To their credit, they did try putting Trump in the lobby where the ticket attendants could keep an eye on him. Unfortunately, Texans aren’t put off by vigilant ticket-takers. Politics is politics afterall, and if you’re going to take your frustrations out on anybody, why not Trump?

“When it’s a highly political figure,” Clay Stewart, regional manager for the museum owner, Ripley Entertainment said, “attacks can happen.”

According to a list of assaults on former presidents at the museum, Obama had his ears pulled off six times and Bush had his nose punched in.

No matter that Bush is hometown boy. Texans don’t judge based on postal codes. If they feel you need a shit-kicking, it’s gonna happen.

Besides, it’s not like a security detail is going to take you away in handcuffs. Who gets arrested for punching wax? At best, it’s damage to property, a Class A misdemeanour. You can fight that saying, “Hell, he didn’t even try to fight back.” This will probably get you off with a small fine, and possibly a few giggles from the presiding judge.

Back in July 2008, at Madame Tussaud’s Berlin branch, a 41-year-old German decapitated a wax figure of Adolf Hitler.

You still have to wonder why this displaced aggression is directed at famous wax figures. Back in July 2008, at Madame Tussaud’s Berlin branch, a 41-year-old German decapitated a wax figure of Adolf Hitler.

Similar destruction of The Fuehrer occurred at the London branch, forcing staff to remove him from The Chamber of Horrors. He’s somewhere in a basement, too, probably more historically accurate since he was in a basement when he committed suicide with his then wife Eva Braun.

Historical figures — particularly mass murderers — do get their fair share of understandable abuse. It’s the more inane cases that are confusing. Like when people see a likeness they find inaccurate or disturbing, and figure any destruction is better than the likeness itself.

The figure of Marilyn Monroe has been attacked for not looking like her at all. She’s Marilyn, the sexiest movie star ever. Who wouldn’t smack her around for not looking as sexy as she should? It’s heresy, is what it is.

It was later learned that Diddy insisted on having his cologne “I Am King” applied to his doppelgänger.

Then there are the vendettas, albeit one-sided, where someone takes particular exception to, let’s say, an artist. In Manhattan, a man described as white or Hispanic, walked into the Times Square museum, and toppled over Puff Daddy’s wax likeness. The head came off in the fall while a strange smell emanated. It was later learned that Diddy insisted on having his cologne “I Am King” applied to his doppelgänger.

Some destruction, however, is more verbal than physical. Michelle Obama’s likeness was viciously attacked on social media back in 2009. Some considered her smile similar to “Donkey” on “Shrek.” It’s actually Eddie Murphy’s smile. If you’ve seen his movies, you don’t want that smile.

Then there’s Melania Trump’s likeness that’s been called “pale and lifeless.” “She’s more beautiful than that,” Laverne Martin Sanders wrote on Facebook. This opinion is shared by a surprising number of admirers, some who feel their own lives would be better if they looked like her.

Franklin Rose, a plastic surgeon, says the “Melania Makeover” is very popular right now. He recently performed the procedure on a cancer survivor, Claudia, who said she wanted to “feel like the First Lady that I know I am inside.”

So why are women modelling themselves after Melania while Trump is getting punched in the face? Nobody can say for sure. “People are frustrated, I guess,” one of the attendants at the Louis Tussaud Waxworks said. “Our job now is to fix him up,” noting that repairs are no easy thing. Fixing a caved-in cheekbone can take longer than turning Claudia into Melania.

It can take twenty artists more than 800 hours, with hundreds of references detailing facial structures, moles and even hickies.

Keep in mind, building wax statues of the famed and notorious is meticulous work. It can take twenty artists more than 800 hours, with hundreds of references detailing facial structures, moles and even hickies.

According to the literature, the Tussaud family (Louis is the great grandson of Anna Maria Tussaud) continues a tradition going back to the 1780s when Madame Tussaud immortalized royals like Princess de Lamballe. She was torn apart by an angry mob, and Tussaud used the princess’s bloody head for inspiration. That’s what you get going into business during The French Revolution. I’m sure Trump would call them “losers” as well.

Anyway, Madame Tussaud would probably roll over in her grave seeing what’s happening in San Antonio right now. I mean, just because you pay $24.99 admission hardly gives you the right to punch Donald Trump in the face or pull off Barak Obama’s ears. Texans need to settle down before they find themselves with no wax museum at all. That happened in New Delhi where the doors closed this year because of lack of interest.

You have to accept violence in Texas. If you can’t, move to Maine.

Texans are always interested, even if they show it in more physical ways. Again, just frustration. Texans need outlets, especially if Trump makes another presidential run. Meanwhile, there’s always President Biden. His likeness is just about ready. No doubt there’ll be some violence against him as well. You have to accept violence in Texas. If you can’t, move to Maine. Or do what many Texans do. Get a gun, go out in the country, and blow the crap out of anything that moves. Everyone feels better doing that.

Except Trump. He prefers golf. That’s if he ever gets out of the basement at Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks. Right now, he’s still there getting filler in his left cheek. Then he’ll be buffed up in case he becomes president again. Some Texans look forward to it.

Others plan another round of punching him in the face.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, satirist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive) is available through Skyhorse Press. You can read Robert’s other articles and stories at robertcormack.net