What To Look For In A Man.

Start with socks.

“I like a colourful sock. I’m a sock man.” George H.W. Bush

This has been circling around since the beginning of time. What do you look for in a man? And what do men look for in a woman? Well, the second part is easy. Here’s what men look for most of the time: their socks. If you want a man, find his socks. If you want the right man, find his right socks.

If this sounds overly simplistic, imagine you’re at a laundromat and a gorgeous guy walks by, dropping a sock. You pick it up. You say, “Hey, you dropped this.” Men hate going home with only one sock. It may be their only pair. You’ve saved them going sock-less for the next year. Don’t underestimate the power this represents.

The adventurous Paleoindians were chasing mammoths, hoping to turn all that fur into socks.

Historically, every epoch has been a sock-finding exercise, starting when humans first crossed the Bering Land Bridge to the Americas. This happened about 16,500 years ago. The adventurous Paleoindians were chasing mammoths, hoping to turn all that fur into socks. The rest is sketchy, but the next time you accuse someone of “having cold feet” remember, that’s what got us here in the first place.

Now, the women who made socks were very clever. When men see a woman being clever, their eyes go straight to the boobs. Cleverness + boobs = attraction. If you were big-breasted back then, and made socks, you were a keeper.

Over time, men developed an affinity for anything warm. This included women. The bigger, the warmer. The Rubenesque figure found its way into many paintings, including cave drawings (I know, I know, long before Reubens). These were often mistaken by palaeontologists as livestock. Further examination concluded they were Rubenesque women wearing antlers.

It might have been ceremonial. Or women simply liked wearing antlers back then. It was the first step towards jewelry.

Enough history. You want to know what to look for in a man. Is it strength? Kindness? Intelligence? The ability to hear “I like big butts and I cannot lie” without twerking like an idiot. All are important considerations — considerations, mind you. We still haven’t finished with socks (we are, however, finished with antlers).

If there’s a six inch gap between ankle and cuff, are you really going to date that guy?

How can everything be distilled down to socks? As Richard Godwin once said, “The gap between shoe and trouser reveals the real inner man.” Think about that for a second.

If there’s a six inch gap between ankle and cuff, are you really going to date that guy? What if there’s a six inch gap between his navel and his waistband. Okay, you’ll consider it.

Speaking in astrological terms, shoes are the sun sign: personality, outward appearance, chip-eating disorders. Socks are the moon sign: inner life, spiritual, a big supporter of dog memes. Obviously, they’re as different as night and day.

If the shoes are shiny, but the socks are puddling around his ankles, something’s wrong. It shows a person who’s more interested in outward appearances. The man with good elastic knows it’s what’s not showing.

Peter York, noted style conservative said that “Bad socks make a man look silly — they really do.” Not just silly, really silly. Sort of like the man who wears white socks. Supposedly that includes criminals and commercial DJs.

I thought it would include gym teachers. All my gym teachers wore white socks. They wore Lacoste shirts, too. Sometimes they were the same colour. They were still gym worms.

Now you can’t swing a cat without hitting a prime minister wearing turquoise socks. Would you seriously marry a prime minister? You’re better off with gym worms.

It used to be that a man wearing bright turquoise socks was, well, you know. Now you can’t swing a cat without hitting a prime minister wearing turquoise socks. Would you seriously marry a prime minister? You’re better off with gym worms.

What this all boils down is nerve. Vibrant displays of sockishness isn’t bravery. It’s metrosexuality. Some men are proud of their feminine sides. Which is good to a point.

Until he sobs over something even

you

wouldn’t cry over. Then you want to kick him in the nuts for being a sissy. Hospitals are full of scrotal injuries.

Not that showing emotion is bad. Men should cry once in a while. It shows compassion, sincerity and sympathy. If it happens every time he sees roadkill, you need to take decisive action. Let him join the scrotal injury guys.

On a social media site recently, a man asked, “What do women look for in a man?” Hard-working came up a lot. So did a sense of humour. Then a woman said, “Hopefully not a lot of fat. And all his organs, too.”

No man who says, “I’ve got an organ for you,” has ever made it over a fence post.

That’s important in any relationship, although one guy went too far and said, “I’ve got an organ for you.” Definitely not a metrosexual. Men who make comments like that have a lot of scrotal injuries. Sometimes they’re self-inflicted, like the guys on Ridiculousness who try jumping fence posts. No man who says, “I’ve got an organ for you,” has ever made it over a fence post.

They also tend to wear tube socks. These socks were invented to end what men consider a constant dilemma: Where’s the heel? Normally people know where the heel is.

Some men don’t. If a man can’t find the heel of his sock, he’s never going to find your clitoris. With few exceptions, these men couldn’t find a clitoris if you told them yours has 110 channels and Dolby Surround Sound.

I digress. What else should you look for in a man? Confidence earns big marks. Hopefully, it also means big bucks. As one man said on Reddit to a woman, “You just want a guy who’s rich.” Nothing wrong with that, except confidence is easily faked. How can you tell if this is the case before you get involved?

According to Mark Hall, the “gentleman founder” of socked.co.uk, socks are a dead giveaway. Men who wear loomed cotton black socks are more likely to be potential millionaires than men wearing patterned socks.

How does he feel about Day-Glo socks? “Typically worn by cyclists,” he said. Very few cyclists become millionaires.

They can wear dark blues, but as Hall pointed out, there’s always “the nagging doubt that he doesn’t have the confidence to wear black.” How does he feel about Day-Glo socks? “Typically worn by cyclists,” he said. Very few cyclists become millionaires.

They also have a lot of scrotal injuries, mostly from handlebars.

What about men who show up on a first date wearing no socks? Daringly casual? Scoffing at urbane manners? Occasionally, it works. Wearing no socks with shiny loafers and a crisp white shirt is considered sexy.

If it’s summer, sure. If it’s winter, that could be a problem. Hospitals are full of frostbite victims who thought it would be cool going sockless on a first date. Check and see if he walks with a limp. If you’re really daring, ask to see his toes. This goes back to the comment about “having all his organs.” Toes aren’t organs, but you can buy a kidney. You can’t buy toes.

“Next time I’m getting sexy with my girlfriend I’m wearing socks, a dress shirt and a towel,” one man said.

When asked on Reddit what men can wear to look sexy in the bedroom, most women said an unbuttoned dress shirt, rolled up at the sleeves, or a towel.

“Next time I’m getting sexy with my girlfriend I’m wearing socks, a dress shirt and a towel,” one man said.

This might be overdoing it a bit, but he is covering the bases. That’s more than can be said for some men, especially those wearing elastically-challenged socks.

Interestingly, when men are asked what’s sexy about a woman, thigh-high socks are at the top of the list. These socks lose their elasticity if they’re yanked off, but men prefer them left on.

“Please don’t wash them,” a man wrote after sending a woman $60 for her socks. “I want to clean them myself.”

A few have another kink, as one woman described. They like to buy used, sweaty socks from women online. “Please don’t wash them,” a man wrote after sending a woman $60 for her socks. “I want to clean them myself.”

Okay, we all know he’s not going to clean them. And we know most women aren’t going to make up their minds about a guy based on his socks.

They really should, but they get all caught up in eyes and smiles. Meanwhile, the socks are puddling around his ankles. And nobody’s in the bedroom saying, “Sock it to me” There’s good reason for this. It’s has nothing to do with socks.

For those of you taking my advice, you’ll thank me.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow…okay, that’s from Casablanca.

Forget I said that. I’m right about socks, though.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.