Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago · 4 min. reading time · visibility ~100 ·

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Where Do A-holes Come From?

Where Do A-holes Come From?

How often have you had a negative interaction with someone and wondered why that person is the way they are? Why are some people so kind and accommodating and others so combative and nasty? Where does bad behaviour come from? Is it the result of poor upbringing? Is it because life sucks more for some than others? Is it in the genes? What about your own bad behaviour? We are all capable of being periodically unkind, judgmental, angry, untrue, self-absorbed, self-destructive, self-defeating, or just plain inappropriate. Feel free to add to that list. There is a rather extensive list of bad behaviours available to all humans. Certainly, any of us could be as negative as we want to be any time we like. After all, we do get to choose our thoughts, emotions and actions. Why is bad behaviour sometimes so compelling to us?

The root of all bad behaviour is in the mind.

All bad behaviour is the result of negative thoughts and corresponding emotions around a particular circumstance. The longer you hold onto your negative thoughts or beliefs, the more powerful the emotion will be and the uglier and more frequent the resulting behaviour.

I have come across a number of people whose communication style is especially combative. They are great while people are in agreement with them, but the moment they are challenged or feel threatened, they start yelling and screaming and firing accusations all over the place. They are very hard to calm down and most people can’t stand being around them for any length of time because they are so much work. At the core of all of it is someone who is especially insecure, and do you know what? That’s pretty much always the case with maniacs like them. They get these crazy ideas about what people are thinking based on their greatest personal fears and their erroneous beliefs about who they really are and off they go in full flame on an emotional rocket that has everyone running for cover.

Bad behaviour doesn’t always have to be so dramatic, though. It can be very subtle. A cutting remark, an extra-marital affair, petty theft, social manipulation or even a white lie. At the core of it all is the belief that you are somehow not enough (or some other negative belief) and that your behaviour will help you regain your equilibrium. While the immediate result may seem to be good for you, your habit of bad behaviour will continue to resurface until you address the problem at its core. That is why most people apologize for their bad behaviour and then repeat it at a later date. It’s not that they don’t know better, it’s that they never fully explored why they do it or cared to solve the entire problem.

So, who is to blame?

Don’t bother blaming your bad behaviour on the wine you drank, your negligent mother, your bastard father, your poor upbringing, your stressful life, or the guy who beat you up in third grade. It is about none of those and all about your relationship with yourself. The excuses we carry with us for the inexcusable things we do only hold us back from having productive lives and healthy relationships with others. Now, some people never want to be better or different because the thought of taking responsibility for their behaviour would mean having to take an honest and critical look at themselves. It is so much easier to blame others and tell yourself they deserve what you dish out. Here’s the thing you really need to know. You don’t actually have to beat yourself up over your shortcomings. We ALL have shortcomings. Yours are not any more special than anyone else’s. It’s all in the narrative you create for yourself.

Is there a cure for chronic bad behaviour?

If you are disturbed by some of your behaviour then you can certainly change it for the better. The first step is to acknowledge your mistakes and take full responsibility for the decisions you have made. I don’t mean pay lip service to taking responsibility. Anyone can say they are sorry or that something is their fault. That doesn’t make it heartfelt. We’ve all gotten hollow apologies for bad behaviour and of course the behaviour only gets repeated later. Be sincere.

After issuing your heartfelt apology, take the time to explore what you feel about yourself at your core. That may be difficult, but you can transform your life by making a list of opposite attributes and positive affirmations and reciting them daily. I prefer morning and evening and if you are under particular stress, then recite them more often.

Here is a video to get you started on making positive affirmations.


The third thing you need to do is to raise your consciousness through daily meditation. Start with just 15 minutes of deep breathing in a quiet environment. People tell me they can’t meditate because their minds are too busy and they can’t sit still long enough. I call BS on that one. Anyone who wants to meditate can practice getting good at it. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It simply has to be a regular practice. Feel free to use a guided meditation, or to use some of the meditative music on YouTube with frequencies that elevate your consciousness. That may sound silly to you, but it is a scientific thing. The sound frequencies cause your brain waves to change and eventually you will form new neuro-pathways that will lead you to become calmer, happier and more focused, which is a by product of regular meditation anyway. Either way, you win.

I really like meditating to this brain changing music.


After you have established a habit of regular meditation you will notice many pleasant changes in your life. Your stress and anxiety levels will decrease considerably, you will feel balanced and carry a sense of perpetual well-being about you, and your bad behaviour will become a thing of the past.

Are you tired of wanting things to be different? Do you accept that your thoughts sometimes hold you back? Would it help you to have an accountability partner? Would you like some help setting goals and getting things done? Ask about my new flat fee accelerated coaching program. For a flat fee of just $997 you can access unlimited one-on-one coaching for a full year. My Action Focused Express Coaching program is revolutionary and guaranteed to get results! 

 Renée Cormier is a certified coach and facilitator on a mission to show people how changing their thinking changes their lives. Contact Renée to learn how to quickly move forward and achieve growth in business and all other areas of life. Renée happily shares her business and personal development expertise through a variety of training and coaching programs that create unsurpassed value for her clientele.

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Comments
Jerry Fletcher

Jerry Fletcher

2 years ago #23

Renee, that's the same argument I've heard from clients in the mindfulness space. It helps them and seems to help their clients but I figure you have to have the problem for the solution to work. In a long discussion with a "Mindfulness Master" client in a relaxed moment we discovered that I do a lot of the "right stuff but not on a regulated basis. And so it goes.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #22

#24
Perhaps you should try it again. I find that people are much more open to the idea than they used to be. It's not such a hippie thing anymore. The mindfulness movement has brought the value of meditation to the forefront. More and more people are stressed out, battling depression, anxiety and a whole host of emotional and physical difficulties. My workshops on stress management and personal enlightenment are really taking off. There is more to life than working your ass off and paying bills. 15 minutes of daily meditation lets you maintain a state of well being throughout the day. Once you get into the regular practice of meditation you will feel uncomfortable when you don't take the time out. If you make time for nothing else in the day, make time for that because it saves you time in the long run. You will be so much more effective at work and play.

Jerry Fletcher

Jerry Fletcher

2 years ago #21

Renee, Somehow all your prose passed into the delete file when you recommended meditation. Years ago a coach was instructing my group in the Silva method and using a form of meditation to allow us to reach a "Theta state" Problem for me was I kept falling asleep. And so it goes.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #20

#22
It's not that they'll never forgive you, it's that they will constantly challenge you to hate them by pushing the boundaries. It's screwed up, for sure. Self awareness and understanding who you really are is required. Above all, you have to have a desire to be different and be the best version of yourself. I teach that to people. Send them my way if you discover they actually want the help.

Lüiz Enrique

Lüiz Enrique

2 years ago #19

#20
Thank you for your auspicious words Renée, yeah i'll do my best :D Let's teach and learn with other ;) Thanks Renée!

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #18

#19
I am sure you have plenty you can teach people, Luiz. You may be surprised at what you can do. Simply try, anyway.

Lüiz Enrique

Lüiz Enrique

2 years ago #17

Good post, need to have courage to write some like this, i don't have any accomplesh to plus about. Have a nice week.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #16

#17
Assholes are good to avoid, but we can learn many things from them and they provide us with the opportunity to grow through observation. Certainly most people don't want to be considered to be one. They challenge us to be patient, kind and appreciative of differing opinions and values. They even force us to find ways to live harmoniously since they cannot be completely avoided. Some of us have asshole co-workers, bosses, relatives and neighbours, after all. I like your motto. I would add wish them enlightenment and peace even though they are annoying the crap out of you. Sometimes shit happens just so we can gain clarity about the things we want and like and assholes have nothing to do with it. I'll stand by my thinking that the cure is a desire and commitment to be different. Enjoy your day, John. Meditate daily and they won't get to you at all.You'll actually be able to laugh off their ridiculous antics. :)

John Rylance

John Rylance

2 years ago #15

I keep happy by avoiding assholes. The motto being Keep calm ignore assholes.  Assholes are one of the reasons for others saying s**t happens.  The only cure is some form of verbal constipation.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #14

#14
Much appreciated, Debasish Majumder! Thank you.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #13

#13
Narcissists are the biggest assholes of all and lack complete self awareness. At least the guy at the bar had that going for him!

Debasish Majumder

Debasish Majumder

2 years ago #12

excellent buzz Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier! enjoyed read and shared. thank you for the buzz.

Phil Friedman

Phil Friedman

2 years ago #11

#9
Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier - although I am loathe to overthink a joke, if I do think about this one, I believe the implication is that Trump is so much of a jerk that a lifetime Asshole resents being associated with him and sees it as a put down.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #10

#6
Ain't that the truth!

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #9

#4
Does that mean it takes one to know one? LOL Thanks for the laugh, Phil Friedman.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #8

#5
Just like with the House of Reps or any political arena, closure requires taking responsibility and being accountable. For those who have made a career (literal or figurative) out of looking good rather than being good, that's just too painful a choice. Thank you Ken Boddie.

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #7

#3
Like an addict, some have to hit rock bottom before they recognize the payoff that comes with enlightenment. We all make decisions about the kind of person we want to be but some do it more consciously than others. Thank you Pascal Derrien.

Ian Weinberg

Ian Weinberg

2 years ago #6

#5
Best described as ‘patulant’ - allowing things to pass unchecked and without constraint. Generally leaves a real bad smell 💩

Ken Boddie

Ken Boddie

2 years ago #5

In the comment string of a recent post by my SA buddy, Ian Weinberg, we initially agreed, purely on a physical basis, that the one reliable thing about a***holes is the repeated closure of the anal sphincter. I still maintain, however, that the exception is in the Lower House or House of Representatives (Westminster system), which you may better know as Congress, where there's a bunch of a***holes who can't obtain closure on anything.

Phil Friedman

Phil Friedman

2 years ago #4

So this guy goes into a bar, sits down, orders a Molson on tap. (Yep, this takes place in Canada.)! After a glug or two, he says to the bartender, “Did you see Trump on the six o’clock news tonight? What a friggin’ super asshole.!” From the other end of the bar, comes a voice through the dim light, “Hey, I resent that remark!” The bartender, sensing potential fisticuffs in the making, says, “Okay, bud, just relax. Are you a Trump supporter?” Comes the reply from the dark corner of the bar, “No, but... I have been an ASSHOLE my entire life!” (Dedicated to Jim Murray.)

Pascal Derrien

Pascal Derrien

2 years ago #3

Self awareness is difficult to master if you don’t make the decision to genuinely look at your self now it does often imply someone has to tell you and so it goes Jerry would say

Renée 🐝 Cormier

Renée 🐝 Cormier

2 years ago #2

#1
LOL. You're still a funny asshole, Robert! :)

Robert Cormack

Robert Cormack

2 years ago #1

I was starting to comment on this, Renée...and then I realized I was going to say something rude. Not that I mean to, but I was beat up in third grade, and sometimes...well, sometimes I get so filled with rage...and there goes my computer screen. Now the dog won't come out from under the bed. Wife's under there, too...I think I need meditation, anything to get them out from under my bed, and others in my closet, and everyone has such awful thoughts about me...Okay meditation, right? Lots and lots of meditation. I'm breathing slowly...in...out...in...out. You're a wonder, Renée, thanks.

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