A Cucumber Did What To You?

Sexual harassment t'ain't funny even if it's green and yummy.

“You want to stop sexual harassment? Grow a moustache.” Joan Rivers

It seems cucumbers are now considered perverts, or at least the props of perverts, which makes them perverts by association,—something no cucumber particularly wants—but if someone decides you’re being used in a sexual or disparaging way, that’s harassment, buddy, and I’m talking to the cucumber.

It turns out sexual harassment can happen anywhere, from the steno pool to the lunchroom to the produce aisle. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s harassment. You might be holding a cucumber one day and say, “What a big one,” simply referring to its length or girth. Anyone hearing this could decide it’s offensive or overtly lascivious. Next thing you know, you’re in the middle of a harassment case, with the cucumber as evidence.

In his summation, the judge sided with her, saying the jokes “T’ain’t funny.” He called them “barnyard cruelty.”

In a recent federal trial case, the sexualized nature of cucumber jokes in one particular office made an employee so uncomfortable, she brought charges against the staff involved. In his summation, the judge sided with her, saying the jokes “T’ain’t funny.” He called them “barnyard cruelty.”

If sexual innuendo is somehow “barnyard" related, it might be worth hanging around barnyards. From what I remember (my uncle had a farm), there isn’t any humor at all, outside of cows and pigs passing wind, which we may find funny. It’s a pretty common occurrence, and barns aren’t particularly warm, so any animal that wants to help heat up the place with flatulence is actually welcomed and given lots of room to do it.

Anyway, another, perhaps more famous lawsuit, was Allgood v. Williams Mullen, where firm partner, Richard Eicher, was accused by Hanh Nguyen Allgood of hugging her in the elevator and pressing something up against her thigh. It turned out to be a cucumber. Allgood sued the company for sexual harassment. The case was settled out of court — but still, geez.

Then there’s the case of Oliver v. Peter Kiewit & Sons/Guernsey Stone, where the plaintiff, Oliver, complained about a raunchy cucumber being left in the lunchroom nestled in a ball cap.

Then there’s the case of Oliver v. Peter Kiewit & Sons/Guernsey Stone, where the plaintiff, Oliver, complained about a raunchy cucumber being left in the lunchroom nestled in a ball cap. She was fired and took the firm to court. Turns out there were other cucumbers and staff waving them around in all sorts of erotic ways.

No individual incident was considered a “violation of Title VII,” but Oliver was convincing enough in her account of these events that she survived summary judgment, meaning she “reasonably believed” there were a lot of cucumbers being used in a suggestive manner. The case itself gets bogged down from there but the court still admitted “T’ain’t funny.”

Which brings us to today’s story. This sad, disturbing tale involves a woman who felt staff and customers were being lewd with the produce. She took her grievance to management who acted immediately, posting signs that said “Gesturing fruit or vegetables at staff IS sexual harassment.”

If you’re all going to be hauled off for lewd and lascivious behavior everyone’s going to stop shopping altogether.

You have to wonder what people thought about that. “Gesturing” is a pretty broad term and could involve pointing a cucumber at someone or simply pointing at a cucumber. I guess either could have you up on sexual harassment charges, although you could argue you also pointed at a box of Cheerios — and so did your kids. If we’re all going to be hauled off for lewd and lascivious behavior, everyone’s going to stop shopping altogether.

In any event, the sign above ended up on Reddit with the title “Boss, he’s harassing me with cucumbers again.” One person thought it was hilarious since one cucumber had the end sliced off. “Maybe Jewish cucumbers are okay?” he wrote.

Someone responded with “Behind every picture is a story.”

“Even IF someone was such a child that they did it,” another person stated, “what kind of weak person feels the need to cry to their boss about it? If you’re a fucking adult you can deal with it. Jesus Christ.”

People get sensuous in the bakery aisle all the time. I don’t see any signs saying “Gesturing with a croissant IS sexual harassment” or “That baguette isn’t a sex toy, buddy.”

This brought up the issue of whether cucumbers are sensual or sensuous. If they’re sensual, then just holding one could get you arrested. If it’s sensuous, then it appeals to the senses. You smelled something organic and got kinda excited. People get sensuous in the bakery aisle all the time. I don’t see any signs saying “Gesturing with a croissant IS sexual harassment” or “That baguette isn’t a sex toy, buddy.”

Baked goods seem to get a pass while produce doesn’t. That’s not exactly fair but, as one person pointed out “Cucumbers already have condoms.” So do some baguettes, by the way, but they aren’t shrink wrapped so they look more like loose condoms. We learned long ago that loose condoms t’ain’t funny — or safe for that matter.

In the interest of full unbiased research, I looked further into the extent of cucumber harassment. To my surprise, I found “Top Cucumber Sexual Harassment Lawyers,” with a substantial list including Hoosier Law Firm and Grubb Law.

Yes, they do handle sexual harassment cases, no, cucumbers don’t stand out in any particular incident, although one man was caught doing it to a squash.

I was about to call and find out how widespread this problem is, only to discover that Cucumber is actually a place. It’s in West Virginia and a quick email nearly dashed my hopes completely. Yes, they do handle sexual harassment cases, no, cucumbers don’t stand out in any particular incident, although one man was caught doing it to a squash.

Now, squash and cucumbers are both members of the gourd family, but nothing really amounted to a full trial, and nobody was found guilty of “barnyard cruelty” outside of a few squash lovers who found it a bit “tepid.”

So what should we do about cucumbers and sexual harassment? Have we gone too far? Should judges set an example giving these perpetrators at least community service, or should they start throwing the book at the people making these charges? Are we sanitizing the workplace when maybe we should concentrate on, well, working?

Going back over the Reddit comments, the general consensus seemed to be mixed, some calling it “childish,” others recounting incidences far worse than a cucumber being pointed in a lascivious way.

“This sort of thing happened all the time where I worked,” another woman wrote. “You get used to it, and, yes, it’s usually the creeps.”

One woman said she worked at a restaurant where the cooks liked to stick their hands in flour and slap the asses of waitresses as they were taking orders out of the kitchen. “You’re always going to have creeps,” she said.

“This sort of thing happened all the time where I worked,” another woman wrote. “You get used to it, and, yes, it’s usually the creeps.”

Well, there’ll always be creeps. It doesn’t make everyone a creep, but you have to start somewhere. Maybe it should be up to a judge to decide who’s a creep and who’s just a cucumber pointer.

On the other hand, shouldn’t management decide what’s crude and what’s not? They could start by noting how many people bring cucumbers to work in the first place. These could be the creeps everyone’s talking about. Why not put up a sign saying “All cucumbers must be sliced or diced before entering this facility.” It’s pretty hard to harass anyone with a cut up cucumber — or any vegetable or fruit, for that matter.

Will we eventually have signs saying, “Cucumbers are now under lock and key. Ask a member of staff for assistance"?

It certainly would be a way to avoid “barnyard cruelty” and humor some judge is just going to say “T’ain’t funny.” As for the produce aisle, you’re kind of stuck. Will we eventually have signs saying, “Cucumbers are now under lock and key. Ask a member of staff for assistance"?

If that day ever comes, I may stop eating cucumbers altogether. Besides, there’s never any staff around when you need them.

Maybe I’ll stick to leafy vegetables like lettuce and kale. I hate kale but I doubt you can be suggestive with it. It’s the least sexually suggestive vegetable there is — next to lettuce and bok choy.

I’ll start there. I’m sure I won’t have trouble with turnips, either.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.