How To Fix A Man.

First thing men have to do is knock off those "rapey violations"—if "rapey" is even a word.

“We’re saturated in a culture of rape.” Caitlin Johnstone

Anyone familiar with Aristophanes’ Lysistrata, knows it’s about how men are led by their penises. Since the play was first performed in 411 BC, we’ve been led around a lot. Quite honestly, very little gets done without thinking about our penises. It’s what we do when we’re not fighting wars or killing defenseless animals.

Men are a bloodthirsty lot, and we can’t just “leave it at the door” like we do our faithful dogs and weaponry. We’re even bloodthirsty in the bedroom — except when we want sex. Men love sex. They love it more than war, weaponry and faithful dogs. That’s how Aristophanes got the idea for Lysistrata. If you want to stop wars, take away a man’s sex privileges.

If you’re not familiar with the play, Lysistrata is a gung-ho feminist with a great sense of civic responsibility. Her biggest worry is the Peloponnesian War — which has been going on for, like, hundreds of years. Because men are away fighting all the time, women are losing out on their ideal reproductive periods. Men are also draining the treasury buying oars and stuff, which Lysistrata feels could be better spent on constructive things like hot slaves.

Now, to be honest, nobody’s crazy about the idea — especially a bunch of hedonists who aren’t getting enough sex as it is.

Anyway, Lysistrata gets together with some hedonistic gals, led by Calonice, and tells them her idea: They’ll withhold sexual favours until a Peloponnesian peace agreement is reached.

Now, to be honest, nobody’s crazy about the idea — especially a bunch of hedonists who aren’t getting enough sex as it is. But they finally take an oath, swearing off all fornication, including the Lioness on the Cheese Grater (fancy way of saying doggy style).

With that, the girls take over the Acropolis, closing down the treasury. With no money for a war, and no sex at hand, men end up walking around with king-sized erections. Even worse, Lysistrata brings out a gorgeous woman called Reconciliation, insuring those erections don’t lose their buoyancy.

As you might expect, the men are simply too engorged to do much of anything. They agree to end the Peloponnesian War, and everyone gets busy humping, having kids, and checking out the hot slaves.

Even today, you can walk around with an erection the size of a guidance system, and you won’t get any sex without Reconciliation.

As Lysistrata remarks at one point: “There are a lot of things about us women that sadden me, considering how men see us as rascals.”

Calonice responds with: “And indeed we are.”

Outside of being rascals, they came up with a great rule: “No good sex comes without Reconciliation.” That’s absolutely true. Even today, you can walk around with an erection the size of a guidance system, and you won’t get any sugar without Reconciliation.

Trouble is, these days we’ve got a lot to reconcile. In the last month alone, a Democratic senator, movie mogul, senate candidate, actor and comedian have all been accused of sexual impropriates. The senator and comedian apologized immediately, whereas everyone else — including the president of the United States — denied everything.

Those who apologized have been fired, shamed and, in some cases, sued. The ones who remained shtum are still working, still enjoying the benefits of their positions, and free to point fingers at the wimpy apologizers.

White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders put a nice spin on this when a reporter asked how the president could criticize Senator Al Franken, when his own indiscretions were caught on tape. “He’s denied those allegations,” she said, which is pretty weenie — even for a press secretary.

Granted, Al Franken couldn’t deny much, since there’s a picture of him tweeking Leeann Tweeden’s breasts while she was asleep. Bless her heart, though, the former Playmate covergirl and sportscaster didn’t want him fired. She just wanted the subject brought to light. Same with Julia Wolov, the comedienne who saw too much of Louis C.K. “I think the line gets crossed when you take all your clothes off and start masturbating,” she said.

This led Caitlin Johnstone, journalist and medium, to issue a flury of generalizations, my favorite being: “I don’t know any women who haven’t been severely impacted by the rapey violations of men…”

Admittedly, she and another comedienne were laughing hysterically at the time, but shock can be a delayed reaction, unless, of course, you really do find it hysterical, in which case, we call that a laughable indiscretion.

In any event, a lot of men have been outed, some high profile, some just your regular grab-asses. This led Caitlin Johnstone, journalist and medium, to issue a flury of generalizations, my favorite being: “I don’t know any women who haven’t been severely impacted by the rapey violations of men…”

If, as Caitlin claims, we’re all guilty of “rapey violations,” that’s a lot of rapey perverts walking who need fixing. Either we tackle this now, or the day might come when we really will be fixed.

Rather than snipping our tallywaggers, maybe women need to use the same ingenuity Lysistrata showed back in 411 BC. How about holding back sexual favours on an international level? Let’s see how men like walking around all day with king-sized erections (if they aren’t already).

When men start complaining about bad backs (the way women with large breasts have for years), maybe they’ll get the message. It’s not cool to treat women like “objects of conquest,” as Caitlin Johnstone calls it.

“We’re [women] being forced to defend ourselves against the implicit male insistence that we are objects of conquest,” she complained, “which saps our mental energy and creativity and makes it very difficult for us to thrive.”

That’s not to say all women aren’t thriving. Some are thriving quite well. Six of the leading 10 companies in America have female CEOs. Obviously women are getting top jobs, and certainly more top jobs are opening up as sexual allegations are brought to the public’s attention.

This is creating a lot of job openings, especially top-tier ones where the real perverts seem to be hanging out.

Roger Ailes, who started the Fox Network, is gone, Bill O’Reilly is doing No Spin News, a far cry from his former O’Reilly Factor, Harvey Weinstein was fired from Miramax, the company he started, Louis C.K. has had all his comedy specials pulled, and Kevin Spacey might be doing magic shows at kid’s birthday parties in the near future.

This is creating a lot of job openings, especially top-tier ones where the real perverts tend to hang out. Power and perversity go hand in hand, and it’s great discovering the moguls and titans have as many butt plugs as hair plugs.

Maybe this is a clever, rascally plot by women. I say “clever” because it’s even better than Lysistrata’s. No sex has to be withheld. Even better, if powerful men keep getting outed and fired, the job possibilities are endless.

Just the other week, someone posted the following on Facebook: “If all these powerful men are outed and lose their jobs, who will do the work?” This was answered with one word: “Women.”

Women really can be rascals, can’t they? Or am I being “rapey” mentioning it?

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.