How To Spot An Asshole

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Assholes are everywhere. Everybody knows at least one. If you’re any good at living, you’ve probably been considered to be an asshole yourself by someone, maybe even someone to whom the feeling is mutual.

It’s safe to assume that the majority of people on the planet have been thought of as assholes at one time or another in their lives. And that’s OK, because it’s something that the vast majority of us come out of sooner or later.

Myself, I’m a recovering asshole on many levels and am probably still considered to be an active one by certain people.

But there are assholes and there are assholes.

Some assholes are a very special breed. These are the terminally assholish types, who have raised the art of being an asshole to its highest level. They go by a lot of different names in our society: creep, dickhead, jerkoff, moron, buttwipe, doofis, dummkoph (my personal favourite) and toad. They are indeed a breed apart.

The True Assholes vs The Rest

A lot of times, assholes will acquire celebrity or folk hero status. But this is mostly because, in addition to being True Assholes, they are also criminals or nutbars or just famous for being famous, so they don’t really count as True Assholes.

Other times they will acquire their status by doing something assholish while they are in the public eye. These people cannot be called True Assholes in the absolute sense either. Tiger Woods is a good example. A lot of people, especially women, think that he is a True Asshole, but that will probably only last until shortly after he starts playing golf again. (And that's exactly what happened).

No, the True Assholes are really more your everyday-and-for-the-rest-of-their-lives asshole variety. These are the people who will never really stop being True Assholes because, well it’s simply in their nature to be that way.  Being a diligent observer and  sometime participant in asshole business, I have made a little list of the types of behaviour a True Asshole is likely to participate in:

A True Asshole Is:

•  Probably a tow truck driver.

•  Likely your boss, if you have one.

• The troll who denigrates all your posts but doesn't have the balls to write his own.

• The little guy who habitually picks fights in bars with guys twice his size and gets the snot beat out of him every time.

• Most big time financial people because they think they’re smarter than everybody else.

• The next NHL hockey player who gives someone a head shot.

• Every suicide bomber who thinks there are 72 virgins waiting for him when he’s done.

• The guy who travels 2000 miles to and fights his way into the crowd at the Masters to see Tigers Woods for the sole purpose of being the one who shouts “You da man!”. Or even worse, the guy who shouts “Get In The Hole”, when a golfer is teeing off on a par 5 hole.

• Anybody who marries their cousin.

• Anyone who think Pit Bulls are status symbols.

• Anyone who is still proud to be driving a Hummer.

• The Spin Doctors who make up the lies that drug companies and oil companies tell the public.

• Anyone in the public who still believes all the lies they are bring told.

• The guy who sold Toyota about a zillion defective accelerator assemblies.

• The guy at Toyota who bought about a zillion defective accelerator assemblies.

• Anyone, not in the sex trade, who is on the Internet having sex with themselves or someone else.

• Anyone who will actually risk their life doing a stunt for some social media web site.

As you can see the list of True Assholes is virtually limitless. I’m sure you have thought of several True Asshole scenarios yourself. Feel free to send them along to me and I will do a follow up.

PS  Don’t be offended by my excessive use of the word ‘asshole’. I mean it in the most positive way possible. I would display is as a**hole, but let's face it...everybody knows it means asshole and a lot of people might think I am one for doing that.

Jim lives in St Catharines Ontario (AKA The Quiet Side Of The Lake) and is currently a partner at Bullet Proof Consulting. www.bulletproofconsulting.ca

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