Royce Shook

1 year ago · 3 min. reading time · visibility ~10 ·

chat Contact the author

thumb_up Relevant message Comment

Ah the Irish

Thanks to my friend George for these, not sure where the;y originated from but I thought they were funny, and since my great grandmother on my fathers side came to Canada from Ireland, I am passing them along.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the Priest came in, I said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The Priest replied, ”You moron! You're on my side.”

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, ”Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off.” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll”

The other answered, “I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all Irish are drunks.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men....are men.

______________________________ __

Mick says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

Paddy says: “Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday.”

______________________________ __

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick: “Paddy, what if one explodes before we get there?”

Paddy: “We'll lie and say we only found two.”

______________________________ __

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, it seems calm enough to me”.

Mick says, ”I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.”

______________________________ __

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

______________________________ __

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,”Not guilty.'

“That's grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

______________________________ __

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says: “Why don't you put an ad in the paper?”

The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

______________________________ __

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“What the hell you doing?” he asks.

"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.

“It should be around your neck,” says the Guard.

"I know", says Paddy, “but I couldn't breathe.”

______________________________ __

The Tour Director asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: “Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat wouldn’t they?”

______________________________

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

______________________________ __

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you,  I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantelpiece?”

'No,' he says', but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

______________________________ __

Finnegan: “My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.”

Keenan: “What on earth is she doin' at that time of the 

morning?”

Finnegin: “Waitin' for me to come home.”

______________________________ __

He phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said.'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin.’

______________________________ __

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

______________________________ __

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?


Ah the Irish


thumb_up Relevant message Comment
Comments

Royce Shook

1 year ago #4

Ken, I am a strange mix of Irish, (from County Mayo) British (Greater London), and German (Bavaria) and Eastern European (Romania (Ciuja County) according to 23 and me so I am a Gypsy Rover with a love for German Beer who can talk forever about the weather and I keep a stiff upper lip.

Fay Vietmeier

1 year ago #3

#1
Ken Boddie A curious bee might ask: "Are you part Irish? ... for you have a most "cunning sense of humor" ... thanks for the ways you share it ;~) "Wimpey management used to unofficially boast that the company letters stood for We Employ More Paddies Every Year. Not to be outdone, the ever-ready retort was that, backwards, the letters stood for You English Pigs Make Irishmen Weap. 🤣😂🤣

Fay Vietmeier

1 year ago #2

Royce Shook "Top of the morning to you" ... fine sir '~) Many thanks for the good laughs ... the confessional very funny ;~) The "cross" nun ;~) Truth in humor that "all men are ... men" ;~) My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs? ;~) “Here’s to me, and here’s to you. And here’s to love and laughter. I’ll be true as long as you. And not one moment after.” ;~)

Ken Boddie

1 year ago #1

Sadly, Royce, the Irish often have their legs pulled for their reputation of not always being the brightest tools on the shed, but they've got a cunning sense of humour. When I first graduated as an engineer, my first job was with Wimpey, a major British construction group, just outside London. Back then the Irish were the mainstay of the construction industry's labour force and some Wimpey management used to unofficially boast that the company letters stood for We Employ More Paddies Every Year. Not to be outdone, the ever-ready retort was that, backwards, the letters stood for You English Pigs Make Irishmen Weap. 🤣😂🤣 I guess that, in some circles today, there's still no love lost between the Irish and the English. 🤔

More articles from Royce Shook

View blog
1 week ago · 2 min. reading time

A study of ageing

Linda Outcalt is a research assistant with the UVi ...

2 weeks ago · 2 min. reading time

Isolation and loneliness

I belong to three senior groups that provide infor ...

1 month ago · 3 min. reading time

Women, retirement, and the Pandemic

According to a story written by Kelly LaVigne, J.D ...