Are We Screwed?

“I don’t want my body to be a distraction from my talent or my brain.” Shania Twain

Contrary to popular opinion, the Roman Empire didn’t fall because of roaming barbarian tribes. Not that there weren’t barbarian tribes. In fact, there were more barbarian tribes than you could shake a stick at. What really caused Rome’s demise was distraction.

By the time the barbarians stormed the gates, Roman’s citizens were so wrapped up in distractions, their first words to the interlopers were, “Are you performing at the Colosseum tonight?”

By the end of the 3rd century AD, men refused to marry, children were raised without fathers, and wives lost interest in childrearing.

According to historians, Rome was a hopping place, offering free performances in open-air theatres, Olympic games, and regular blockbusters like gladiators, naval battles, and feeding Christians to the lions (actually, this has been disputed; Christians were never eaten by lions, they were simply mauled until they didn’t care what religion they were).

But it’s what these distractions caused that really ended the Roman Empire. By the end of the 3rd century AD, men refused to marry, children were raised without fathers, and wives lost interest in childrearing.

As women started attaining more wealth and position, men lost their motivation. They turned to distractions like prostitution, homosexuality and vice. Women — not to be outdone by men — turned to women.

In any event, all their games, toys and sexual proclivities showed what silly ninnies the Romans had become. They were no match for the barbarians whose only sexual proclivities were raping Romans.

So the barbarians didn’t cause the fall of Rome. If anything, they were a mopping up operation, something that essentially quickened what was already a moral collapse.

Now let’s fast forward to today. It seems what took Romans centuries to achieve, we’re doing in a matter of decades. In just the past year alone, we’ve distractions to a level never seen before in history.

Today, the equivalent of the barbarian hordes are the Islamic extremists, a group threatening attacks on American soil. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if an Islamic terrorist came face to face with an American looking for a Pokémon.

In Indonesia, officials banned employees from chasing Pokémons at the Presidential palace.

Recently, a teenager was killed trying to find a Pokémon in someone’s kitchen. The owner, an elderly widow, thought he was a burglar and shot him.

At least in Bosnia, Pokémon Go players are told to avoid marked areas littered with unexploded mines left over from the 1990s. In Indonesia, officials banned employees from chasing Pokémons at the Presidential palace.

Closer to home (my home, anyway), The Toronto Transit Authority sent out warnings that “no Pokémons were on the TTC tracks.”

Now, these may seem like silly examples, but we’re following the early Romans more than we think. Like them, we’re now at a below-replacement birthrate, which we’re shoring up with increased immigration numbers.

A Missouri rodeo clown was banned from performing because he wore a Obama mask. He’s since had to take sensitivity training.

And while rumor, backstabbing, and general badmouthing ran rampant before the fall of the Roman Empire, it’s nothing compared to today. We may not be bumping off emperors, but we do like a good messy fight, especially if political correctness and litigation are involved

A high school senior sued the Tallahassee School Board after she didn’t make the cheerleading team. A Missouri rodeo clown was banned from performing because he wore a Obama mask. He’s since been taking sensitivity training.

Yet as harmless as Pokémons, talentless cheerleaders and rodeo clowns may seem, we’d do well to learn from history. The danger today isn’t a terrorist war or a nuclear war. It’s exactly what the Roman Empire faced: distraction.

We’re so distracted today, we don’t know what we’d do without distractions. As Chuck Palahniuk pointed out, “Nobody wants their problems solved. Their distractions. Their mess cleaned up. Because what would they have left?”

That’s a good question. What would we have left? If life is just distractions, maybe we need a few angry hordes. Not the raping and pillaging kind, obviously. But we could use a little refresher on why we’re here in the first place. Surely it’s not to chase Pokémons. Or is it?

If you’re interested in satire, check out this writer’s workshop retreat, Nov 20–24, at Clonmel Castle in Port Dover, Ontario. It’s 5 days (4 nights) of learning, discussing and writing satire in a 90-year-old Georgian Revival mansion. All inclusive. Book now to get the best accommodations. Contact Lynneee at: clonmelcastle@gmail.com or call: 1–519–583–0519.

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. For more information, check out Skyhorse Press or Yucca Publishing.

“Robert Cormack’s novel is hilarious; it is a parody of contemporary American popular culture, never heavy-handed, excellently written. As you read it is often hard to resist bursting out in laughter.” John R. Carpenter, author, Wall, Watchtower and Pencil Stub