Digital Musk.

How to text jerks online with authority and malice.

“The daughters of God don’t break for jerks.” Marianne Williamson

Anyone who claims technology has made life easy hasn’t tried online dating. Put simply, it’s a bloody hive of jerkish behaviour. Single women today worry more about online jerks than lousy sex. You can walk away from lousy sex. Online jerks ain’t so easy.

They’re ghosts for the most part, enjoying a medium that has no consequences and apparently few moral or ethical concerns.

The term “ghosting” is a common practice among both sexes, but jerks do it more than most. “No one knows who they are,” one man explained on Reddit. “Maybe that makes them assholes by default.”

So we know why they’re jerks, but what makes them go after women online like flies to a wildebeest? And what’s a wildebeest?

Assholes and jerks seem to be interchangeable, but there’s a difference. An asshole feels a certain fight-or-flight mechanism. They defend themselves. Jerks are essentially immune to name-calling. It’s sort of what makes them jerks. As Warren Buffett once said, “Having a billion dollars doesn’t make you a jerk. You had that basic DNA when you were broke.”

So we know why they’re jerks, but what makes them go after women online like flies to a wildebeest? And what’s a wildebeest?

Well, wildebeests are a type of antelope that give off a powerful musk. Flies like musk. Women can’t give off musk over the internet, so this analogy makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Unless words are a type of musk. Maybe words are “digital musk.” Selfies could be digital musk as well.

In any event, digital musk is pretty popular right now, some might say too popular. Every comment can be a turn on, including negative feedback like “God, your knuckles drag more than a chimp.” Jerks don’t seem to be turned off by this analogy at all. Chimps might be, but not jerks.

Okay, we know what turns jerks on, but what turns them off? This has been debated endlessly, even by Facebook and most dating sites. They’d like to reduce the number of jerks online, too, but we have freedom of speech in this country. Outside of inciting violence, white supremacy or bestiality, they have a pretty open road.

Experts have concluded that most [jerks] operate within a narrow circle of interest. They have obvious targets, usually women who offend easily or use chimp analogies.

Given this wide territory in which they operate, what can possibly discourage a jerk? Well, it helps knowing how they think. Experts have concluded that most operate within a narrow circle of interest. They have obvious targets, usually women who offend easily or use chimp analogies.

Jerks obviously like chimps, or being compared to chimps, or the fact that they haven’t evolved from chimps based on their eating habits or personal grooming. This leaves women in a difficult position. What’s left if these jerks can’t be insulted by primate comparisons?

The answer is far simpler than women realize. Since very early times, women have had an arsenal of “turn offs” at their disposal. Catherine the Great used them. So did Queen Elizabeth I. They were so gifted in the use of these “turn-offs,” men literally cowered at their feet.

Dorothy Parker gave a great witty retort when asked why she didn’t have children. “It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

I’m talking about witting retorts, folks, the one weapon women can always rely on. Jerks can’t stand witty retorts. It turns their willies to jelly. And witty retorts can be called upon in any situation, whether they’re made up on the spot or copied from famous witty retorters.

Dorothy Parker gave a great witty retort when asked why she didn’t have children. “It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

Now I realize not everyone is as witty as Dorothy Parker. Sometimes you don’t have to be. One woman had a jerk online who kept telling her he wanted her body. She responded with: “Settle the fuck down.”

Jerks aren’t the brainiest people, so it doesn’t take much to leave them nonplussed. Whether you go for the straightforward approach like the one above, or get a little more witty like Dorothy Parker, the end result will be fewer jerks and more smart guys who appreciate a jolly good retort.

Who wouldn’t admire the heck out of you for writing something like: “Tell him I was too fucking busy, and vice versa”? (Parker said this to her editor).

So let’s take the example of the jerk asking you for hot pictures of yourself. Rather than say, “I really don’t appreciate being asked for pictures of me in my undies,” here are six ways you can turn off his “hot light”:

“I was about to send you naked pictures, then I started wondering if you’re the toe-sucking bag of shit my mother always warned me about.”

“All of my hot pictures are currently with law enforcement. They’ll be returned when I finish my 20-year stretch for killing a jerk with highliner pencil.”

“Playboy paid me $250,000 for my last set of photographs. Send me a similar amount, and I’ll happily pass the pictures along.”

“All of my hot pictures are currently with law enforcement. They’ll be returned when I finish my 20-year stretch for killing a jerk with highliner pencil.”

“I’m sending you a virus instead. Gosh, did you open the file already?”

“Aren’t your pants far enough down your legs already?”

“Since you probably still live at home, I’ve sent the pictures to your mother. She’ll give them to you when you get the hell out of her basement.”

Now obviously not all jerks respond to witticisms, so you might be throwing pearls before swine — or pearl necklaces before swine. But even if it’s just “Settle the fuck down,” jerks hate being told to “Settle the fuck down.” Their mothers probably tell them that all the time. It didn’t get them out of their mother’s house, but it could get them off dating sites.

One day, you’ll overhear them in a restaurant saying to a friend, “Why do I keep attracting jerks?” That’s when you whip out Dorothy Parker’s “What fresh hell is this?” which can apply to just about anything these days.

You could also use another famous Parker line: “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” Jerks hate sharp tongues.

Now, there’ll always be women too trusting, or simply won’t believe you should use witty retorts. They’ll learn, though. One day, you’ll overhear them in a restaurant saying to a friend, “Why do I keep attracting jerks?” That’s when you whip out Dorothy Parker’s “What fresh hell is this?” which can apply to just about anything these days. You don’t even have to explain the witticism. You can say, “You don’t see any jerks around me, do you?”

My point here is, women can’t let jerks rule the day. They’ll multiply, possibly procreate. Then there’ll be more jerks, and more mind-numbing nonsense, all made possible by mediums with no consequences.

According of dating sites, over a third of men never even go on dates. They spend an average of 5.3 hours looking at profiles and 6.5 hours sending messages.

“They’re safe in front of their screens,” one person pointed out on Reddit. “They don’t even leave the house.”

This is quite true — and not just for jerks. According of dating sites, over a third of men never even go on dates. They spend an average of 5.3 hours looking at profiles and 6.5 hours sending messages.

How many of those are jerks? It’s hard to say. Men being men, though, it’s safe to assume jerks make up a pretty good percentage. These “stay-at-home warriors” are more interested in commentary than face-to-face.

With a little practice, though, and possibly some cribbing from Dorothy Parker, witty retorts can form your best line of defence. Cleverly disguised as digital musk, they’ll release a scent so powerful, jerks will tumble out their chairs, blinded by your feminine perspicacity.

Witty retorts are simply the best antidote to jerks. They’re safe, practical and, above all, effective in any online conversation.

Jerks hate perspicacity, especially the feminine kind (they don’t even know what perspicacity means, but they figure it’s pretty bad). They’ll bawl, rub their eyes, maybe even run from their mother’s basement, figuring their mother released some noxious substance like a cockroach bomb.

You’ll know the truth, though. Witty retorts are simply the best antidote to jerks. They’re safe, practical and, above all, effective in any online conversation.

Over time, you’ll be a force to be reckoned with, a true terror capable of fast jabs and slashing put-downs. Jerks will tremble with fear as you use another of Dorothy Parker’s famous lines: “Excuse my dust.”

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (in paperback August 6th). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.