Growing A Penis.

“I need a penis like I need a hole in my skirt.” Joan Rivers

Every woman has penis envy. Penises may be ugly things, and not terribly predictable, but you’re envious, anyway. You keep having childhood flashbacks. Remember outings where boys relieved themselves behind trees faster than you could say Easy-Bake-Oven? You had to squat like a dog. Who wouldn’t want a penis? They’re so easy and, well, directional.

Vaginas are criminal by comparison.

Before you say it, yes, penises are elongated clitorises, a biological fact, proven time again by people with nothing better to do. Feminists mention this at rallies and clit rodeos. They hold up signs saying, “A man is just a life support system for a penis.” Joe Orton wrote that years ago. He had a penis, and didn’t feel the slightest bit physiologically jipped.

Naomi Wolf, in her book “Vagina” said she didn’t feel jipped, either, but she was too busy looking at she-goats. Goats won’t tell you anything, Naomi. Check out community pools. Depending on water temperature, and whether you’re looking or not, penises are hydraulic miracles.

Name any great battle, and you can bet it started with someone’s wife or mistress saying, “Baby, you could conquer the world with that thing.”

History is full of penises. Name any great battle, and you can bet it started with someone’s wife or mistress saying, “Baby, you could conquer the world with that thing.” Women didn’t expect men to take them literally, but men did, figuring their thingies would demoralize any enemy.

Well, they didn’t, and many an army was demoralized when their opponents didn’t flinch. Sometimes even Napoleon Bonaparte’s enemies didn’t flinch. He wasn’t particularly well-hung in the first place.

After The Battle of Little Big Horn, General Armstrong Custer was found hacked to death with a king-sized erection. Historically speaking, it was the only impressive thing that happened that day.

Rasputin also died with an erection, despite ingesting enough poison to kill a large baboon. His penis was auctioned off years ago, along with Napoleon’s.

Neither generated much money, but Rasputin’s would have been a good conversation piece. For instance, why wasn’t Rasputin ever a soldier? Well-hung guys should do some form of military service. You can’t go through life giving czarinas a bunch of stupid advice and expect a pension.

You can’t swing a cat in a pyramid without hitting a phallic symbol or a space ship.

In any case, we haven’t seen many vaginas auctioned off, and they don’t show up in hieroglyphics, either. Not like penises. You can’t swing a cat in a pyramid without hitting a phallic symbol or a space ship.

None of this is lost on women, either. As they gain more corporate and bureaucratic power, penis envy seems to be growing.

In a survey done back in 2016, internet searches for strap-ons increased by 195%. Nearly 80 percent of women admitted to prostate play with their partners, while others admitted swinging their fake dicks like Dirk Diggler.

There are all kinds of ways to “swing,” too, from simple dildos to molds of your partner’s penis. This doesn’t appeal to some men, the implication being that they’re getting pegged by their own pegger.

Yet 71 percent of straight men in relationships admitted to trying prostate play, most claiming it didn’t make them feel “gay” at all.

“As long as he understands that I haven’t a clue what I’m doing,” a woman said, “I’ll give it a shot.”

“I don’t consider it feminine,” one woman said. “I’m having fun, he’s having fun, and the cat thinks we’re both crazy. A good time had by all.”

You could call this a cultural zeitgeist, although being a “back door woman” doesn’t sit comfortably with some girls. “As long as he understands that I haven’t a clue what I’m doing,” a woman said, “I’ll give it a shot.”

Another woman asked if she was any less of a feminist pegging her boyfriend on International Women’s Day.

With all this growing interest in pegging, one question remains satisfactorily unanswered. Will women ever be able to grow a penis?

Experts claim steroidal therapy can enlarge a clitoris to one or two inches, but then you’ll only be the same size as Napoleon. A full procedure, known as a metoidioplasty or phalloplasty, supposedly lacks critical factors that make a factory-direct penis a penis.

At least research is progressing, and things tend to gain momentum once you’ve got sheep out of the way.

“We’re not there yet,” a doctor explained, “although there are great strides in medicine. If we can grow sheep in test tubes, why not penises?”

This makes a lot of sense, since women need penises more than they need sheep. At least research is progressing, and things tend to gain momentum once you’ve got sheep out of the way.

Now it’s just a question of how long before a woman can turn penis envy into an actual penis.

While they wait for that, here are some ideas that might help women play dominant and safe roles in the bedroom:

1) To feel like a real “star banger,” sex experts suggest putting the man on his back with his knees up around his ears. This provides a clear pathway and lets you see him freaking out.

2) Assuming the doggy position, direct his head towards the television. As long as it’s football and not rodeo riding, he should relax within minutes.

3) Having the man on top allows you to guide the dildo inside without him feeling pressured. This works particularly well in off-season when he’s not distracted by football or badminton.

4) Music is a good way to relax men, providing it isn’t Helen Ready singing, “I’m am woman, watch me roar.” Pegging is not enhanced by any sort of roaring. It locks men up tighter than a death row inmate.

5) Lube like crazy. The dildo should be slippier than a sardine po’ boy.

Now, What Exactly Am I Getting Out Of All This?

Okay, so, sure, women like the sexually dominant role, admitting it’s mental, emotional and visual. “But what do we get out of it physically?” one woman asked on Quora. Numerous responses popped up, one claiming some strap-ons have an inside edge that rubs against your clitoris.

As one sexologist pointed out, “It’s a two-way device designed to heighten the pleasure of both parties with each thrust.”

“When I grind,” a woman explained, “it sends me through the roof.”

Taken even further, there’s what’s known as “dual pleasure strap-ons.” These clever gizmos have a secondary dildo that slips into the vagina. As one sexologist pointed out, “It’s a two-way device designed to heighten the pleasure of both parties with each thrust.”

Well, that’s just good diplomacy, something that gets lost when you’re thinking of new ways to spice up your sex life. Instead of “I’m doing this for you,” you can take the all-inclusive stand. This makes you the thoughtful one, not to mention a good economist, since you’re forking out sixty bucks.

But you know the day’s coming when “getting it up” will be a team sport.

All of which is just a “pit stop” before science figures out this whole penis growing business. Until then, use what you’ve got. Men will moan, some will scream, some will think you’ve gone bonkers. But you know the day’s coming when “getting it up” will be a team sport.

Yes, one day, you’ll both walk to the stand-up urinals and stand proudly, knowing equality in the true sense.

All thanks to that hydraulic miracle known as the penis.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (coming August 9th in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.