It Goes Over Your Nose.

We're definitely not used to pandemics (or Tucker Carlson).

“What will you do when this pandemic is over?”

“Go to Ikea.”

To hear Fox News host Tucker Carlson tell it, masks are the hardware of “zealots and neurotics.” He’s a definite skeptic. He’s pretty sure we would be too if we weren’t so darn skittish about, well, dying. Maybe it’s the ratings pinch or a source of pride on his part, but Carlson doesn’t mince words when it comes to turning public health guidance into mincemeat.

During his show the other night, Tucker took aim at parents, calling them criminals for putting masks on their children. “Your response when you see children wearing masks as they play should be no different from your response seeing someone beating a kid at Wal-mart,” he said. “Call the police immediately. Contact Child Protective Services.”

Millions of his loyal viewers watched, some no doubt confused, others pumped the air saying, “That’s right, bubba, get the CPS involved before those kids end up turning blue on the sidewalk.”

Well, that just flies in the face of everything good ol’ American boys and girls hold dear. At least Carlson has the cajones to say it.

It’s been a long haul these past twelve months. Especially with that small-mouthed Dr. Fauci telling everybody what to do. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose, as the song says. Well, that just flies in the face of everything good ol’ American boys and girls hold dear.

At least Carlson has the cajones to say it.

Same goes for Alaskan state Sen. Lora Reinbold, a well-known vaccine skeptic who’s now banned from flying Alaska Airlines after calling flight attendants “mask bullies.” She ended up having to drive 14 hours from Anchorage to Juneau, including a jaunt through Canada and a ferry ride.

Reinbold still intends to hold her ground, vowing to continue pushing back against corporate and government policies. It hasn’t exactly endeared her in Washington. Even Republican colleagues no longer want to participate in any hearings she chairs, accusing her of using her position to “misrepresent” covid-19 policies.

“Sneak by if you are bold,” she advised. “They cannot force you.”

She not only misrepresents policies, she’s also encouraging travellers to evade Alaska’s rules requiring a negative corona test to enter the state. “Sneak by if you are bold,” she advised. “They cannot force you.”

Well, it turns out they can, “they” being Alaska Airlines. Reinbold is now one of more than 500 people banned for not wearing a mask, the Daily News reported. She responded by saying this all stemmed from a “reasonable discussion” that turned into a political crucible. At least she’s getting to see the great state she represents. In a tweet last Sunday night, she said “I have a new appreciation for the marine ferry system.”

As much as we snicker and sneer at the Carlsons and the Reinbolds, we’re still a long way from accepting the seriousness of this pandemic. Our infractions may seem mild by comparison, but they’re infractions just the same.

During the last St.Patrick’s Day, a bar in Washington D.C. attracted thousands of people — some younger than twenty-one — streaming in, hugging and high-fiving each other. Up in Toronto, Canada, reports of a noise disturbance at a rental unit resulted in police chasing hundreds of well-dressed attendees down the street. While they were doing that, other attendees were just arriving. Only the organizers were charged.

At Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia, a party in a dorm exceeded 200 students, 50 of whom were fined but not led off to jail.

The question becomes, why are so many young people being reported, yet the crimes and misdemeanours of others barely break the community tabloids. One barbecue in the Brampton area had over a hundred in attendance. No names were reported, only a mild reprimand in the form of a small fine.

For many it’s an acceptance that we’re only human. If we take too firm a stance, we’ll be called “mask tyrants.” Yet with death numbers now over five hundred million, and variants now in the 63 percentile, it makes you wonder why we aren’t naming names and outing the flagrants.

Throughout this pandemic, we’ve worked on a sliding scale, introducing new measures when the numbers go up, and ending them when the numbers go down.

And why, if we’re so concerned with the death rate, do we continue doing exactly the opposite of what we should be doing? Throughout this pandemic, we’ve worked on a sliding scale, introducing new measures when the numbers go up, and ending them when the numbers go down.

It’s a crazy seesaw effect that never works for long. Politicians don’t want to seem too tyrannical, even if medical experts do. It’s the politicians running the show, and it seems somewhat reprehensible — if not criminal — to be thinking of polls when millions of lives are at stake.

We put our faith in vaccines, with some experts saying we don’t need masks if we’ve had our “two shots.” Of course, this only works if everyone’s had their “two shots.” If they haven’t, then the variants will continue to spread.

Outlawing incoming flights from certain countries ignores this reality. Viruses travel on all flights. You can’t be somewhat safe. It ain’t that kind of pandemic. Unless you choke the crap out of it, the virus spreads.

Back during the Spanish Flu of 1918, there was a US naval base on the island of Yerba Buena in San Francisco Bay. It was only accessible by boat. Because the 6,000 residents were confined to the island, and no visitors were allowed, there were only three deaths during the whole pandemic.

They call this “forced sequestration,” and it works. Yet the very thought of lock-downs makes politician’s hands go all clammy. “How can we ask the population to give up being chummy?” they’ll say. Afterall, being chummy is what’s made America great, barring those times when we’ve been too chummy. Not that the occasional sexual assault charge should stop us. Better to allow a certain amount of freedom and lose a few, then end up with riots. This is a democracy afterall. Expression is up there with the right to carry guns. Besides, you can’t keep a good skeptic down.

We’ve had too many years of defining our own right and wrong. If that flies in the face of quarantines in general, why make a police state out of it?

Nor can you tell people what’s right or wrong. We’ve had too many years of defining our own right and wrong. If that flies in the face of quarantines, why make a police state out of it?

Like the woman at the airlines counter who was told she couldn’t wear her mask under her nose. “You do it your way, I’ll do it mine,” she responded. Authorities were called and she was led away from the gate.

Well, the chickens will come home to roost eventually. So will Tucker Carlson, if he’s not thrown off a flight or hit with a liable suit for encouraging his viewers to flood the CPS phone lines.

Strangely, the level of threats from indignant parents was no worse than your average Home and School meeting. That in itself is weird.

Then again, this is the land of rights and freedoms. If a pandemic gets in the way, we’ll still have Tucker Carlson blowing up a storm.

This might be humorous to some. For the rest of us, it’s a sign the worst isn’t over.

Just the other day, he suggested replacing The Burning Man Festival (canceled until further notice) with a Burning Mask Festival, ending with a pagan festival under the stars lit by thousands of burning masks.

It might be humorous to some. For the rest of us, it’s a sign the worst isn’t over. We’re not made for this. It’s too desperate and we hate desperation. We want it to end. Carlson doesn’t. It gives him ratings. We can only hope he disappears with the virus. Time will tell, though.

Neither are going anywhere soon.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, satirist, and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive) is available through Skyhorse Press. You can read Robert’s other articles and stories at robertcormack.net