A Guide to Stiffies.

Overcoming the myths of boner pills and slinging dick.

“I’ve always said, ‘If you need Viagra, you’re probably with the wrong girl.’” Donald Trump

A woman wrote on social media that she found her stepdad’s Viagra in the medicine cabinet. Some guy responded, saying, “Maybe he needs it to keep him from rolling out of bed at night.” It’s the sort of sarcastic comment you expect guys to make on a topic like this. Outside of death, nothing worries us more than losing our stiffies. We’d rather go blind or have gout.

Fear is the dominating force in all things sexual with men. It’s why one urologist, Dr. John Stripling, wrote 300 prescriptions the day Viagra was launched.

Even men with no problem getting erect admit they’d use a performance enhancing drug “if their Lil Sebastian needed a smack in the ass.” Pfizer now has more money than the U.S. government. Obviously, a lot of Sebastians need a smack in the ass more than we think.

Some clinicians openly admit that if you don’t have hypertension in the first place, these drugs probably won’t work.

At one time, Viagra held 98 percent of the marketplace, which declined to less than 50 percent with the launch of Cialis, Levitra and a host of generic brands.

It’s a flooded category, and we’re eager to keep the blood flowing, which is all these drugs do. Some clinicians openly admit it’s a bit of a ruse. If you don’t have hypertension in the first place, these drugs probably won’t work.

Judging from what we read on the social media bulletin boards, a lot of men either have hypertension or vivid imaginations. Early research found a “considerable placebo effect in the control group,” meaning a lot of test subjects got erections from sugar tablets.

So let’s go back a bit to how this all started. The year was 1989, the place, Sandwich, Kent. Researchers at the Pfizer research facility there had some bad news. A new blood pressure medication they were testing was a dog (not a real dog, dog’s get boners just fine). Needless to say, the Pfizer executives were more than a little upset. They’d spent millions, and all they had was a dog?

Fortunately, one researcher, going through his notes, noticed that over 70 percent of test subjects had erections. That’s a lot of erections, considering half the control group was given placebo. Where you have erections, you have prospects, and Pfizer executives weren’t about to abandon millions of dollars. Instead, they decided to list the “dog” as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. It was one of the smartest strategic moves ever made in pharmaceutical history, and certainly one of the most untapped.

You lived with it, or you got an injection into the penis, usually phentolamine or alprostadil.

Prior to this, erectile dysfunction was considered psychological or a side effect of the condition (or other medications). You lived with it, or you got an injection into the penis, usually phentolamine or alprostadil. Taking a needle in the Sebastian wasn’t anybody’s idea of a good time, so most men either got on a psychiatrist’s couch or lived with a limp dick.

Pfizer had a ready market, in other words, with thousands of men lining up for the “little blue pill.” Millions more would follow based on word of mouth from happy users reporting nightly Humpfests.

Well, sure, who doesn’t want a Humpfest, especially if you haven’t had one for a long time, and your wife figured there probably wouldn’t be any more, so she was having her own Humpfests in the washroom.

“I thought we were going to need a new mattress,” one woman admitted, “until he threw me on the floor and we slid into the hall. I felt like a human Swiffer.”

Along came Viagra, and suddenly sex was fun again. “I thought we were going to need a new mattress,” one woman admitted, “until he threw me on the floor and we slid into the hall. I felt like a human Swiffer.”

Some Viagra stories have reached mythical proportions, with subjects reporting erections that had even dogs staring. Dogs usually don’t care, but if your owners go sailing by on the hardwood, you pay attention.

One man claimed it improved his athletic ability, saying “It gives you a wicked pump if you’re into lifting weights. Then you can sling dick after.”

Slinging dick, hiding the salami, going torpedo — give a man a long-lasting erection and the words flow. Sometimes that’s enough for their partners, but not nearly enough for someone with 10 or 12 hours to kill before Sebastian goes down. They need action, and there’s no sitting on the sidelines, saying, “Wow, torpedo is a great analogy.”

Remember the Two and a Half Men episode where Alan takes Viagra, his date cancels, and Charlie finds him in his car, doing the singular deed, telling Charlie “I’m not going to waste it.”

Other suggestions include lowering the dosage so you can still do other things, none of which are as much fun — or likely to make the dog proud.

It’s always best to have contingencies, even if it’s flogging yourself in the car. A better solution might be taking the pill when your date arrives, tell her to wait an hour, then make the dog proud. Other suggestions include lowering the dosage so you can still do other things, none of which are as much fun — or likely to make the dog proud.

As with any drug, though, there are abuses, some requiring immediate medical attention. Emergency Staff frequently deal with patients complaining of engorged penises that won’t go down. Often they admit to taking more than the recommended dose (25 mg will usually suffice). These cases can be remedied by showing them a needle. Any needle actually. Even a knitting needle. No erection has ever lasted beyond the sight of a needle being pointed at them.

A far stranger example is men mixing Viagra with ecstasy, what’s known as “sextasy,” “rockin’ and rollin’ or “trail mix.” The combination gives you a wicked stiffy and makes you want to dance a lot.

For those opposed to drugs in general, there are natural alternatives like Vinerol or Kamagra. These products don’t have the research Viagra, Cialis or Levitra have, but they seem to do the trick for some people. A man in Cincinatti said, “Seems Kamagra can overcome my ADHD and Tourette’s, too.” He said a lot of other things which can’t be printed. The ADHD may be helped, but the Tourette’s is definitely still there.

A Nobel Prize was awarded to Patricia V. Agostino and her team who found Viagra helps jet lagged hamsters.

On the positive side, new research has shown some impressive results in the field of jet lag. A Nobel Prize was awarded to Patricia V. Agostino and her team who found Viagra helps jet lagged hamsters. More work has to be done to see if hamsters suffer any side effects like cyanopia (seeing blue) or inability to ejaculate. Most hamsters would rather just have an apple, but research is research.

We still have to consider Donald Trump’s comment that “you’re with the wrong woman.”

Like his knowledge of détente, walls or where Dayton is located, Donnie isn’t exactly up on the causes of erectile dysfunction — or women, for that matter.

Very rarely is it the wrong woman. If it is the wrong woman, taking drugs isn’t going to make her more attractive to you, or you to her. Better to rule out the psychological aspects first, meaning talk to your doctor, or a psychologist — or at least your bartender.

What works on a hamster might not work on you. Besides, hamsters don’t do a lot of flying.

If it’s simply a case of you wanting to go “Super Sayon,” check out all the varieties and alternatives. These days there’s even a spray that can last up to 10 hours, or an oral jelly. If you need something for jet lag, you’ll have to wait. What works on a hamster might not work on you. Besides, hamsters don’t do a lot of flying.

In any case, talk to your doctor, and don’t expect miracles. Some men have erections that last 10 to 12 hours, others barely notice anything at all. They won’t say that, of course. They’ll say they lasted 10 to 12 hours.

But their dogs know the truth. Dogs always know.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (in paperback August 6th). Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.