A Questionable Guide to Silly Writing.

Like, why aren't there any cannibal cookbooks.

“If you don’t know where you are, any road with get you there.” Lewis Carroll

I always thought Lewis Carroll was silly, until an English professor told me Carroll was brilliant, and if I didn’t understand Jabberwocky, I was too intellectually deficient for words — which I was (and still am) — but, frankly, Alice found it “rather hard to understand,” and she was Carroll’s creation. Why the hell would I understand it?

Frankly, I thought all the characters were “burbling,” “chortling” nutters, something I’m sure Carroll came up with while smoking opium. Writers of the day frequently smoked opium, and more than a few wrote utter nonsense. Hell, why not? Once you’re on the pipe, a giant egg on a wall makes all the sense in the world.

Republicans are a daft lot, and listening to them at the Impeachment Hearings only doubled my belief that they read Jabberwocky daily.

That’s not to say I’m against all silliness. As writers, we can only belong to one of two parties, as P.J. O’Rourke once put it. “Either you’re with the silly party,” he said, “or the stupid party.” The stupid party must be the Republicans, the silliest climate deniers going. A recent poll found that while 92 percent of Democrats believe climate change is an imminent threat, 68 percent of Republicans think it’s bonkers.

Republicans are a daft lot, and listening to them at the Impeachment Hearings only doubled my belief that they must read Jabberwocky daily. Where The Bible gives them moral rectitude, Jabberwocky makes nutty reasoning a forgone conclusion.

The Republicans have demanded “fact witnesses,” yet they won’t let Pompeo, Bolton, Mulvaney or Giuliani testify. It’s like the “looking-glass world” Carroll describes, except now the Republicans sound like a bunch of “borogoves.”

“There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.”

The reason silliness exists is because, as Frank Zappa once said, “There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.”

With all this silliness and stupidity floating around, it’s no surprise aspiring writers — or seasoned ones — are writing what any self-respecting Republican would call sound and clear thinking.

Recently, on one of the writer’s forums, a woman wrote: “I’m thinking of a short story about a girl who witnessed her father killing her mother, having sex with the corpse, then cooking her for dinner. I can’t help but wonder, am I okay?”

Someone wrote back: “What cooking method?”

In this existential world of silliness, we have to accept all forms of silly. Another commenter wrote: “Get the story done. You’ll know if you’re okay or not.”

We’re all a little touched — not like Republicans — but we do put “cooking methods” ahead of practical reasoning.

That’s hardly good advice, since clearly she’d not okay. The person asking about “the cooking method” is okay, just weird, which writers are by definition.

We’re all a little touched — not like Republicans — but we do put “cooking methods” ahead of practical reasoning. Hopefully, the woman above forgets her short story idea and writes a cannibal cookbook instead.

A cannibal cookbook is more practical than watching your father cook and eat your mother. Then, again, you’ll need at least twenty recipes. I’m not sure cannibals have twenty recipes. You get a pot, boil water, throw in a body. It’s not rocket science although, according to Elon Musk, neither is rocket science.

“There’s a silly notion that failure’s not an option at NASA,” he once said. “Failure is an option here. If things are not failing, you’re not innovating enough.”

It’s not silliness we have to worry about, it’s lack of it. So many writers take themselves too seriously.

Wise words, and something every writer should take to heart. It’s not silliness we have to worry about, it’s lack of it. So many writers take themselves too seriously. Those that don't, have a better chance of being innovative. That’s if they’re trying to be innovative. Some just send out silly vibes.

I found a particularly silly vibe on one of Facebook’s writer forums. I think it’s a synopsis for a book, but who can say? Hard liquor and opium can produce the same thing, but I’ll give you the synopsis and you can decide for yourself:

“A student wizard, seeking immortality, gets expelled after accidentally hexing himself with insomnia. Backstory of sleeper saint.”

This leads me to conclude that J.K. Rawling doesn’t smoke opium. Either that, or the writer thinks he/she is J.K. Rawling on opium. It doesn’t matter. Anyone hexing themselves with insomnia is wasting their hexes. One Taco Bell Double Chalupa or a Bean Quesarito will do the job — even if you’re a student wizard.

“The devil stays silent, harsh as a mountain cliff-face. Rigby, uglier than a husband, fiddles with machines in the workshop, mumbling. I exhale peppermint breath…”

Going down further in the same writer forum, I came across this description by a poet-in-residence, who’s been described as a writer “absolutely not to be missed”:

“The devil stays silent, harsh as a mountain cliff-face. Rigby, uglier than a husband, fiddles with machines in the workshop, mumbling. I exhale peppermint breath…”

Her work is described as “sword-sharp, unexpected, intuitive and stunning from all angles.” Why not silly? Between the “mumbling” and being “uglier than a husband,” it’s hard to know if she’s pulling our leg, or she knows more about the devil than we do. Being “intuitive” throws a wide swath, and after you see Jack Nicholson in “Witches of Eastwick,” anything’s possible where devils are concerned.

We give writers latitude, because we never thought much of “Carrie” until it became a motion picture, and Sissy Spacek turned high schoolers into gumbo. Stephen King admits he’s done silly things, but he’s too rich to regret much. As he pointed out, “I have the heart of a small boy. It’s in a glass jar on my desk.”

I’m surprised he hasn’t done The Cannibal Cookbook.

Everyone dies in the end. That’s only because humans don’t know how to eat humans. They’re worse than a Taco Bell Bean Quesarito. King knows this perfectly well.

Knowing how his mind works, it’s a good theme, sort of a “Children of the Corn” invited to an apocalyptic cook off. Everyone dies in the end. That’s only because humans don’t know how to eat humans. They’re worse than a Taco Bell Bean Quesarito. King knows this perfectly well.

He also knows how silliness, in the wrong hands, is a dangerous thing. “I watched Titanic when I got back from the hospital, and I cried,” he said. “I knew that my IQ had been damaged.”

We’ve all been damaged by some form of silliness. That’s not to say we should give it up. Silliness still has its place. Without it, we’ll evolve into something truly serious. Republicans would like that. We’ve been silly for too long, in their opinion. Better to stay the course with a president who knows better. If his administration wins again in 2020, silliness could be removed entirely.

“It’s just silly,” Trump will say, “and you don’t have to worry about it anymore. I’ve got good people — great people — who’ll stamp silliness into dust. Silliness is out. Gone.”

We’re writers after all, doomed to a craft that turns words into silliness and silliness into words.

That’s highly unlikely, though. As long as there’s more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, as Frank Zappa said — and a longer shelf life — silliness will remain. Let the Republicans try to stamp it into dust. They’re silly for trying.

Without serious interference, we’ll continue to have hexed wizards, devils uglier than husbands, and cannibal cookbooks. We’re writers after all, doomed to a craft that turns words into silliness and silliness into words.

Or as Lewis Carroll would put it: “’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble and gimble in the wake; All mimsy were the borogoves, and the more paths outgrabe.”

I still have no idea what he’s talking about.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)”is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.