Are Parrots Trying To Tell Us Something?

What are we doing that's making them throw so many f bombs?

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” Hunter S. Thompson

The news was stranger than usual last week. A vegan claimed she was “traumatized for life” after a bakery gave her a pork roll. The bakery may be sued for serious negligence, and could include another lawsuit from the customer who got a vegan roll instead of a pork one.

At the same time, a book authored by two New York Times reporters allege Trump once suggested shooting immigrants in the leg to slow them down. He denies making the comment, but one supporter responded, saying, “Serves immigrants right for being terrorists, rapists and drug dealers.”

Topping the week off was a parrot who may go down as one of the most ungrateful birds living. A bright yellow and turquoise macaw in Edmonton, UK, told a member of the Royal Fire Brigade trying to save him to “F**k off.” This was after the firefighter said, “I love you.”

The real story is why, since parrots only imitate, what anthropologists call “vocal learning.”

That’s gratitude for you, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. The real story is why, since parrots only imitate, what anthropologists call “vocal learning.”

Jessie, the macaw, had been on a neighbour’s roof for three days. When the firefighters arrived, Jessie’s owner told them it might be best to calm the bird first with an issuance of love. True to his duty to save and protect, one firefighter did just that, only to be told to, well, “F**k off.”

If parrots only mimic what they hear around them, it makes you wonder exactly what is going on around them — or around all of us, for that matter. And why the foul language? Is it because parrots are frustrated?

Anthropologists have mixed views on this. Vocal learners are just imitators afterall, but it’s still possible they can get frustrated. Jessie’s owner admitted Jessie’s got other words — some better, some worse — but the f bomb seems to work in a pinch.

Is it possible we’ve created potty-mouthed birds based on what they see us doing?

Maybe Jessie’s been watching too much television like his owner. Even a macaw can tell when all is not right in the world. Is it possible we’ve created potty-mouthed birds based on what they see us doing?

Canaries used to be sent down in the mines to detect poisonous gases. Perhaps macaws like Jessie could be detecting us. Imagine sitting there on your perch, watching some pretty weird shit (another of Jessie’s words), and that weird shit is followed by more weird shit.

How can any self-respecting macaw not smack it’s feathered head hearing about a police officer in Dallas, who accidently shot a man after mistaking his apartment for hers. Officer Amber Guyger’s lawyers tried to apply “castle doctrine,” meaning she thought it was her apartment, so she was justified in killing Botham Jean (even though he was only eating ice cream).

This sort of thing sends macaws to rooftops all the time, especially since the judge told the jury they could consider a “sudden passion defense,” which would reduce Guyger’s ten year sentence to just two years.

It must have been a slow day for Giuliani. Then again, if Trump’s ready to throw Mike Pence under the bus, why not sue the whole Democratic party?

And what macaw wouldn’t say “F**k off,” to Rudy Giuliani after he claimed Trump could sue the House Democrats for “partisan pursuit of impeachment.” It must have been a slow day for Giuliani. Then again, if Trump’s ready to throw Mike Pence under the bus, why not sue the whole Democratic party?

Pence is so abnormally stupid, he still thinks loyalty counts. Seriously, Mike, if your president thinks shooting immigrants in the leg is okay, do you honestly think he’s not above throwing you — and Pompeo — under the bus?

Macaws have the right idea. More Republicans — and a few vegans — need to be told to “f**k off.” At least Jessie can fall back on generality. He tells all sorts of people to “f**k off,” even those who don’t say they love him. Jessie doesn’t give a shit about love. He cares about food.

To get food, parrots imitate larger predators to ward off other birds vying for their food. It’s quite a talent in its own right, but applying it to people is a step up, especially when Trumps starts talking about riots.

Trump’s approval ratings are going down faster than his hair on a humid day. When those ratings dip below forty, being the narcissist he is, he plans to negotiate, hopefully getting immunity for him and his family.

According to him, any impeachment will draw Republicans into a warlike frenzy, racing through the streets, stomping the hell out of Democrats and slow dogs. Even a macaw knows that’s silly. Trump’s approval ratings are going down faster than his hair on a humid day. When those ratings dip below forty, being the narcissist he is, he plans to negotiate, hopefully getting immunity for him and his family.

Nobody’s going to let him walk, least of all the Republicans, some of whom will carry this embarrassment to their graves. He’s turned his party into a horseshoe pitch, and he’ll be lucky to leave with the clothes on his back.

To any macaw this is a good thing. As soon as Trump’s gone, people will stop screaming at their television sets, and macaws — in fact, all parrots — can go back to nibbling seeds and being cute and conversant.

Not that their language will get any better. You can’t just bulk erase a parrot after three years of yelling at Trump — or any world leader — and expect all past deeds to be forgotten.

Being an English macaw, Jessie’s particularly vocal about Boris Johnson and the whole Brexit business, mostly because his owner’s probably vocal as hell, too. She may love her bird, but the bird’s high on animosity right now and the verbiage can only get worse.

The bird calmed down, but obviously we’re not talking about a simple imitator here. That bird was seriously pissed.

Anthropologists point out that “vocal learning” isn’t exactly a thought process, although it requires a brain large enough to hear sounds and play them back. A macaw on YouTube, for instance, swore up and down when his owner destroyed his cage. There were so many f bombs, the owner had to promise to make his macaw a new cage. The bird calmed down, but obviously we’re not talking about a simple imitator here. That bird was seriously pissed.

“It’s still a relatively small brain,” one anthropologist said. “I doubt they experience the same level of agitation as humans, but it’s possible.”

Judging from that macaw on YouTube, you couldn’t get more pissed. That thing was bopping up and down, throwing out language you wouldn’t hear in a baseball dugout. Again, anthropologists aren’t saying parrots can’t be frustrated, but it’s more likely they’re aping our frustration.

Dogs seem to be barking more than usual lately, and cats are skulking off after dinner, figuring it’s just another night of idiots talking trash to their televisions. Cats can’t accept that any more than parrots can.

We’ve been getting awfully agitated lately. Besides yelling at our television and computer screens, we’re yelling a lot more at each other. Perhaps we’re aping what we hear on Capital Hill and other parliaments, not realizing it’s spreading throughout our households, upsetting everybody including our pets.

Dogs seem to be barking more than usual lately, and cats are skulking off after dinner, figuring it’s just another night of idiots talking trash to their televisions. Cats can’t accept that any more than parrots can.

Which brings me back to the original question: Are parrots trying to tell us something? In Jessie’s case, his f bomb wasn’t so much an insult as a call for clear-headedness. We’re acting like dupes, what Alexander Pope called “confederacy of dunces.”

As long as we allow politicians to run our countries into the poliground, we can expect more f bombs from Jessie and other parrots.

As long as we allow politicians to run our countries into the ground, we can expect more f bombs from Jessie and other parrots. If we don’t recognize our own frustration, perhaps we can recognize theirs.

Birds speak the truth. They’re telling us to get our houses in order, holding politicians to account, along with bankers and other institutions that think we’re dumb as, well, parrots.

Some of us are, obviously, but that can change. We can vote. We can get out on the street. Why let parrots throw out all the f bombs? Why not us?

We need more f bombs in the right places. A little bobbing of our heads might help, too. Show those politicians and business leaders we mean business.

It’s called democracy. Sometimes you have to be rude to keep it.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.