She Found Her G-Spot And Lost Her Manners.

Those fingers in my hair

That sly come-hither stare

That strips my senses bare

It’s bitchcraft

Scientists, psychologists and, well, men, are trying to come to terms with a growing phenomenon known as “bitchcraft.” As it’s been described in the journals of all things bitchy, the simplest explanation I could find was: “The art of pissing people off by telling them the truth.”

More and more women have decided to cast aside the usual rules of propriety, following what Virginia Woolf once said, which is, “If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” Of course, she also said “Great bodies of people are never responsible for what they do.”

Well, who cares about responsibility these days, right? Far better to tell the truth and piss a few people off. Besides, haven’t women had enough of couching, hiding their feelings, playing the subservient role? Isn’t it time to call men the mongrel dogs they really are?

You might call bitchcraft a release, a bit of closure. As relationship coach, Sarah May, remarks, “Women are feeling more empowered to do what they want to do, versus what society deems they should.” According to a recent study, single women are feeling less obliged to maintain social standards. Take beauty, as an example. While 43% of women felt they should keep their legs shaved in 2007, only 20% believe that now.

Women are also more likely to ask men out than they were a decade ago — and 2.5 times more likely to receive a response than men. If all it took was dumping the Lady Schick, I’m surprised they didn’t grow hairy legs sooner.

My only concern — besides women having hairier legs than me — is where all this bitchcraft will lead. Not long ago, I arranged a coffee date with a woman. She asked me to call her first thing in the morning to confirm plans. I did, and we got talking about women in the workplace, equal opportunity, etc. “It’s hard,” she said, and I admitted it was. Then I told her it was no picnic for older single white men, either — which is why I hate picnics.

“If you have grey hair in the workplace,” I said, “young people don’t even want to talk to you. It’s like we’re a virus.” She hung up the phone, sending a message later saying, “I’m cancelling our date today. I found your conversation this morning morbid, and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life right now.”

That’s the thing about bitchcraft. If you feel offended, then you are offended. Screw propriety. You don’t gain confidence being polite (or clean-shaven). Better to be blunt and let the hair grow on your legs.

Another woman started our date asking if I was doing this strictly to get material. “You use a lot of personal examples in your articles,” she said. Then she got right into what she was looking for in a dating scenario. “I like edgy,” she said. “I like to get where I’m calling the guy an asshole. Not in a bad way or anything. I just like calling guys assholes.”

“Don’t we all,” I said, but she was already onto her next edgy topic. This one concerned G-spots, which she confessed had alluded her throughout two marriages and all six seasons of Sex In the City.

“I thought it was an urban myth,” she told me, describing how she discovered her G-spot at the tender age of fifty-nine. That seemed like a long wait — longer than AppleCare — but she assured me it was worth it. After twenty some odd years of marriage, she was ready for any orgasm that didn’t come with “Don’t expect treats like this every time the Islanders win.”

Turns out, after her second divorce, she ordered a handy dandy little gizmo shaped like a horseshoe. Once she discovered her G-spot and her ability to scream at high octaves, she ordered some for her clients (yes, folks, her clients). So now her whole client list has found their G-spots. I’m amazed they aren’t all over the city riding parking meters.

Well, anyway, this led to her finding her “voice,” which ironically started between her legs. As she says, that’s why she likes edgy conversation and calling men assholes. After two relatively sexless marriages, who wouldn’t? I mean, it’s not like the Islanders are setting the world on fire these days.

“So, is your vibrating horseshoe replacing men these days?” I asked, which was a mistake. She looked at me like I’d caused all the Islander’s mistakes

“Why would you ask a question like that?” she snapped. “Are you an idiot or something?”

That’s a question I hate being asked. I mean, there’s no empirical evidence. All I could do was remind her that self stimulation was keeping half the male population happy until the eastern finals. In some respects, she — and her clients — had a distinct advantage Men don’t generally have vibrating horseshoes. Even if we did, we’d probably use them to mix margueritas.

With that, I called for the bill, figuring I was only a few adjectives away from being called an asshole. But then she started talking about old age and how everyone was having stuff done. “It’s crazy,” she said, wiping the last of the three-cheese avocado dip with a piece of bread. “At least I’m not having everything lifted, or tucked — or removed entirely.”

“Would you if you could?” I asked.

“Who says I can’t?” she snapped again. “But where the hell would I start? My stomach looks like two swag curtains. I’d probably be lifting skin till the cows came home. Actually, my legs are okay.”

The waitress brought the bill, and we left, having an awkward moment outside when I’m sure she wanted to call me an idiot again. That’s the thing about bitchcraft. Raw honesty requires constant maintenance. You can’t just throw it out occasionally. You need to use it daily, letting men know women aren’t waiting for treats anymore — not when a vibrating horseshoe makes the Islanders just a hockey team and coffee dates a mere distraction.

And I’ve got no defense for it

The heat is too intense for it

What good would common sense for it do?

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.