Stages of Grief: Anger

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified anger as the second phase of grief that people experience when they are diagnosed with a terminal illness. Some people may experience periods of anger, for one reason or another, but anger as part of grieving is not guaranteed.

This isn't to say that some people may not become angry at some point after experiencing a loss. Most of us have had the experience of seeing a parent running up and down the aisles of a store frantically looking for a child that has wandered away. When those parents find their children, do they calmly tell the child that they should not do this? More often than not, they grab their child’s arm and start yelling at them. Why? It's because they are scared. Anger is the most common response to fear.

Dealing with grief can be a scary experience. As was mentioned previously, the emotions we may experience when grieving any loss can be overwhelming. These are feelings that we cannot control. That loss of control can be scary. Occasionally, that fear is displayed as anger.

Every major change in our lives can result in a person feeling a sense of grief. When someone goes through a divorce, there might be an element of fear about how the future will be different than the one that was originally planned. This fear may be displayed in anger. It's also possible that their former spouse did something that justifiably resulted in them feeling angry!

When a relationship ends, or there's a change in the workplace, or with any major life change, we may experience anger. Certainly, if someone we care about dies in an accident or some needless reason, we may be angry with the situation or whoever caused it. In no way are we saying that anger isn't a possible result of a loss.

The problem with labelling anger as a definite stage that must be experienced with any grief producing loss is that it isn't guaranteed. There are situations where anger just doesn't exist for the griever on any level. Does this mean that something is wrong with the griever?

Whether a griever experiences anger or not has nothing to do with their recovery. There is any number of different emotions that may confront a griever dealing with a life-changing event. Anger may or may not be one of them. Each emotional relationship is different, which means that the emotions felt by the griever will be different for each loss experience.

Too often, grievers have well-meaning friends and family tell them what they should or shouldn't be feeling. Telling a griever that, as a part of going through the stages of grief, anger is a stage they must experience, is just another example of people telling them what they must feel. Most of us do not want to do that but helping by presenting a plan of action might help.