Robert Cormack

4 years ago · 5 min. reading time · 0 ·

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Tweeting Ourselves Silly.

Tweeting Ourselves Silly.

Why narcissists don't mind pleasuring themselves in public.

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“No one has helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.” Tucker Max

I don’t like to call people vain, but we’re vain. We’re ridiculously vain. We look at people like Kylie Jenner and say, Wow, she’s got over 130 million followers. She doesn’t do anything. She could be a cyborg. Are we appalled, disgusted, outraged? No, we go out there and tweet ourselves silly.

We create our own fanfare, advertising ourselves relentlessly. In a recent New York Times article, Jane E. Brody says we’re guilty of what The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic Manual calls, among other things, “…excessive attempts to attract attention.”

Most people blame social media itself, figuring if it wasn’t there, we wouldn’t do it so much. But, as Brody explains, we all have narcissistic traits. What turns us into “extreme narcissists” is a type of social one-upmanship. Reach a thousand “likes” and you think you’re King Kong. Double that and you think you could beat the shit out of King Kong.

“I’m flat chested,” she admits, “and the curves I have are built by hours, months and years working out at the gym.”

Competition is as a strong aphrodisiac. In his book “The Narcissist You Know,” Dr. Joseph Burgo, a clinical psychologist, points out that narcissists like to demonstrate their “winner status.” Being a winner isn’t hard on social media. You post, you brag, you say you’re sick of being stared at. Narcissists hate being stared at (nobody believes that, not even narcissists).

Take the young woman who describes herself online as a 25-year-old female, 5’ 8” tall, weighing in at 132 lbs, with dark brown hair and green/hazel eyes. “I’m flat chested,” she admits, “and the curves I have are built by hours, months and years working out at the gym.”

“What do I deserve?” she asks. “I deserve to be treated like a human, not just a woman. I deserve not to feel silenced by your catcalls. I want to be sexy in my own skin without feeling like I’m here to bait you.”

She concludes with a professional shot of her in her compression shorts and sports bra. She wants to hear everyone’s stories.

At last count, she had over six hundred comments, most agreeing they’ve had similar experiences with “the wolves.” There’s no better feeling than attacking wolves, especially if you’re wearing compression shorts.

As much as we all want love, sex and relationships, narcissists can’t settle. They won’t settle. Dating is so fucked.

Feeling good about ourselves offers a new “narcissistic groove.” Not only are we competitive, now we’re combative. We want a new level of respect commensurate with our tweets.

Nowhere is this more evident than with sex. Everything intersects there eventually. As much as we all want love, sex and relationships, narcissists can’t settle. They won’t settle. Dating is so fucked.

“I assume either it’ll go nowhere,” one female reader said about her upcoming online hook-up, “or, if we decide to meet up, it’ll be a disaster.”

Dating websites produce more goofballs than decent guys. Even if you find a goofball you like, they have to meet a certain criteria. This is decided by the comments of others. It’s called “Goofballs 101. Had’m, hate’m.”

“They’re all amorphous blobs until they prove otherwise,” one woman explained. “They have to bring their A game or no dice.”

The “A game” of, say, 20 years ago, isn’t what it is today. Back then, you had to make your own judgments. Today you take it online.

“If that doesn’t work — or he gets pissed off — roll him out the door.” So many men wake up on sidewalks.

You join discussion groups. You give intimate details. You find out if his snoring is something other women would tolerate. “Roll him on his side,” a woman responded. “If that doesn’t work — or he gets pissed off — roll him out the door.” So many men wake up on sidewalks.

Tolerance dwindles even faster with extreme narcissists. They’ll kick you out of bed for petting their dog.

“The minute his attention goes off me,” a reader wrote, “he’s outta here. It’s my dog, anyway. He can go home and pet his own dog.”

All of which leads to the “Morning After Tweets,” the “Sad Saturday night” tweets, and the “I Just Hurled A Pint of Haagen Dazs.”

Eventually, we realize we’re screwing ourselves. Sometimes it’s figuratively, sometimes literally. One of the most common signs of “screwing ourselves” comes in the form of explanations online.

Every dating site has this comment: “I was here before, but didn’t have much luck. Where have all the good men gone? Any Prince Charmings out there? Any frogs? Do I have to find love at a petting zoo?”

Well, John Wayne’s dead. He walked around like he had a load in his pants. Prairie songs? Bad yodelling. Happy endings? Don’t get narcissists started on that.

Rather than being realistic, narcissists are pessimistic, like the song “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?” Where is my John Wayne/Where is my prairie son/Where is my happy ending/Where have all the cowboys gone?

Well, John Wayne’s dead. He walked around like he had a load in his pants. Prairie songs? Bad yodelling. Happy endings? Don’t get narcissists started on that. It’s a ruse perpetuated by Hollywood. Dustin Hoffman’s probably better in bed than Brad Pitt. Ugly guys try harder. They also don’t get mad when they end up sleeping on the sidewalk.

We sound good saying “I won’t settle,” but life is about settling. Otherwise, as one reader, Charlotte Franklin, wrote me, “If you expect perfect from everyone, you’ll end up perfectly alone.”

That scares the shit out of narcissists. Being alone is like losing, well, a thousand “likes.” So you ditch the compression shorts. You muss up the hair. You take to Twitter, Instagram, Dacebook or the police department. You say, “If I don’t get a million likes, I’ll…well, I’ll do something.”

If that doesn’t work, you start arguments. Pretty soon you have a hundred comments. Everyone’s at each other’s throats. Then you change your username to “Igivegoodblowjobs.” You’re on safe ground with blowjobs. Besides, the argument started with you saying, “Nobody gives good blowjobs anymore — what’s up with that?”

“I blew a guy just so he’d fix the oil pan on his Impala,” one woman confessed. “My driveway was a mess!”

Beg for shout-outs. “I never wanted to be this way,” you say, and watch the tweets multiply. Other narcissists tell you “boner meat is boner meat.” “I blew a guy just so he’d fix the oil pan on his Impala,” one woman confessed. “My driveway was a mess!”

Narcissists crowd together on common platforms. Everyone’s got a driveway that needs attention. Driveways are fucked. Even the dog circumnavigates. Pledges go out: “Like my status if you’re down with dogs.”

Friends say you’re really stretching things. “I don’t even remember you having a dog,” they say, and what’s this fixation with blowjobs? Sure, the world’s fucked. In twenty years, we’ll all be charcoal. Some things need more attention than you upchucking ice cream.

The narcissists pull back, but not the extreme narcissists. “Like my status or I’ll do something totally un-environmental.” That’s the ticket. Go full-on Republican. More extreme narcissists exist in the GOP than southern Baptists at a pig fry. This is America, afterall, land of pig fry narcissists.

Maybe it’s up to Kylie Jenner to make the first move. “Tell us you don’t care about tweets, Kylie. Tell us you’ll give it up for a Lamborghini.”

The good news is, narcissism isn’t contagious. The bad news is, if you’re on social media, you’re probably a narcissist. Social media is still relatively new. The first driver’s of cars were probably pretty obnoxious. They scared the crap out of horses. Future generations might get over this.

Popularity is a significant thing, though. Maybe it’s up to Kylie Jenner to make the first move. “Tell us you don’t care about tweets, Kylie. Tell us you’ll give it up along with your Lamborghini.”

Well, she’s probably got a few Lamborghinis, and she’s pretty happy with her 130 million followers. Extreme narcissists don’t change overnight.

We’ll just have to wait. There’s Haagen Dazs in the fridge and a Twitter account waiting for new comments. Maybe “If I don’t get a thousand “likes” in the next ten minutes, I’ll never mention Kylie Jenner again.”

Well, that’s just crazy talk. Everyone knows you will.

Extreme narcissists support their own. Even if she’s a cyborg.

Actually, especially if she’s a cyborg.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (coming in paperback Aug. 6th). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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Comments

Robert Cormack

4 years ago #9

Just the thought of me in reverse is disturbing.#9

John Rylance

4 years ago #8

Remember when you look in a mirror, what you see is the reverse of those look at you see. So narcissists out there what those who like you, like the opposite of what you want them to see.  Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all, not you but your mirror image. 

Robert Cormack

4 years ago #7

#6
Good point, Ken. I think it brings up the bigger question: Who wants to look beyond the mirror? So many people today are happy with reflections.

Robert Cormack

4 years ago #6

#5
Thanks, Franci. We have to watch those pig fry narcisissists. They might be done by now.

Ken Boddie

4 years ago #5

I used to be a narcissist, Robert, now look at me! 🤣 But seriously, we can all laugh at narcissism, and invariably do, but vanity can ruin our view of the world. How can we view the world and admire its beauty and wonder if we can't see beyond the mirror? 🤔

Robert Cormack

4 years ago #4

She'll get over it. #3

Joel Anderson

4 years ago #3

Not sure why but as I read this I thought about a song and just started singing "sometimes I tweet myself." OML what was I thinking. I am sure that Chrissy A would be ashamed of me.

Robert Cormack

4 years ago #2

Good boy.#1

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #1

Narcissism is not contagious that’s a good one 😀 I am your first like on this article tell me tell me am I a good boy ????

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