31 Truths About Life (Which Will Save You Buying 31 Self-Help Books)

Please don’t think I’m setting myself up as an expert. I’m not a psychiatrist, a psychologist or even a psychic. I’ve simply been around the block a few times. Probably more than a few times. That’s not to say I’m necessarily wise, just a bit mouthy.

I'm writing this because I feel we're being inundated with a lot of advice these days. Some of it is helpful (I still read Scott Peck’s The Road Less Travelled), some of it isn’t. 

So rather than repeat what you already know, here’s the unvarnished truth about truths. Don’t worry if you find a few upsetting. This isn’t supposed to make you feel better about yourself. If anything, it's probably meant to make me feel better about myself (enjoy it, anyway)

Here goes:

1) Stop asking God for wisdom. God doesn’t give wisdom, He gives mistakes. If you aren’t willing to learn from your mistakes, become an atheist and cut out the middleman.

2) Stop posting inspirational quotes on Facebook and LinkedIn. If they really meant that much to you, you wouldn’t share them. You’d keep them to yourself and become wildly successful and self-satisfied.

3) If you can’t believe in yourself, don’t expect others to do it for you. They’re just as insecure as you are, and probably more insecure knowing their friends are sucking the life out of them.

4) Misery doesn’t love company, it loves attention. Bugger off, in other words. Find a psychiatrist who’s popping more pills than you are.

5) Posting selfies makes about as much sense as posting pictures of your dinner. Eventually, the dinner’s going to get cold (and so are you).

6) The number of “likes” is not a reflection of your popularity. It’s a reflection of how many times you ask to be “liked.”

7) Having someone love you doesn’t make you a good person. It makes you a needy person. You become a good person when you stop saying: “Do you really mean it?”

8) Stop saying “Money won’t by you happiness.” Wait till you’re rich and see if you can say it with a straight face.

9) Success isn’t defined by how much you have, but how much you’ve overcome. Failure is how much you’ve overcome without being a success.

10) Normal people only feel good about themselves because they’ve never bothered to look up “ordinary” in the dictionary.

11) The shortest distance between two points is not speeding.

12) When we say we’re the product of good genes, it’s because our ancestors fought disease, wars, pestilence and freezing cold. Not because they wanted you to spend less time at the gym.

13) Three quarters of the world is under water, which makes a good argument for learning to swim.

14) The best way to deal with a “bad hair day” is to shut up about it.

15) We don’t need more guns in this world. We need more worlds where we can put people with guns.

16) It’s better to keep silent and let people think you’re stupid than to open your mouth and confirm it. Whoever said that is stupid.

17) People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones—unless they’re tired of living in a glass houses.

18) The hardest goal to achieve is contentment—which is why we have upgrades.

19) We could solve world hunger by simply eating half of what we normally eat. The alternative is to increase immigration so they can eat twice what they normally eat.

20) The best of friends can still let you down, whereas the worst of friends rarely disappoint you.

21) It’s true that one day your time will come. It’s called death.

22) The easiest way to find love is to look for it. The easiest way to lose love is to ask for it.

23) Never kick someone when they’re down. Wait till they’re unconscious.

24) Don’t count your blessings. God wants you to be appreciative, not go around taking inventory.

25) The next time you say, “I wish I hadn’t done that,” remember, reflection makes about as much sense as unflushing the toilet.

26) Neither you nor the universe is perfect. Both depend on the weather.

27) Cheer up. Best Buys will not survive the next Ice Age.

28) You’re not a bad person. Anyone who says you’re a bad person hasn’t met a really bad person.

29) How can anyone be an “overnight success” when the last place you look for something is usually where you find it?

30) You’re a good person until the police tell you otherwise.

31) Never consider yourself failure. Let someone else do it.

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, blogger and novelist. His first novel, “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major book stores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.