Are Men Really That Simple?

I rarely offer an opinion on men, feeling traitorous on one hand, a bit girlie on the other. Having said that, I do want to put some minds at rest. Men have been giving women the impression we’re complicated, mostly because we discovered one thing back in Neolithic times: Hitting someone over the head with a bone usually killed them. It worked so well, men started beating animals over the head, too. When the bodies piled up, we discovered fire and burned the whole lot. This lead to our greatest contribution: steakhouses.

Before I get a lot of flack from men, I can state categorically that all other achievements have paled by comparison. Sending folks to the moon? We littered space and left a silly flag. Capitalism? Look who America elected president. The Constitution? An appallingly naïve document. No, I’d say men should stick with steakhouses. Everything else has either backfired, exploded or revealed itself to be a bad idea. Steakhouses remain a brilliant concept. We should take comfort in steakhouses and build more.

So why, if we’ve fooled women this long, do I want to destroy the last vestige of male superiority? Because, if women knew how simple we really are, they’d smack themselves silly. Women in Neolithic times never smacked themselves silly. They knew men were simple. They saw us throwing meat on a fire and figured that was pretty stupid. Why not hold the meat above the fire so it wouldn’t end up looking like a charred stick? This led to the second greatest contribution in history: flame broiling.

Okay, so why are men so simple? Gym. We grew up with the rules of sports. We were taught yardage, penalties, goal-tending — but most of all, sportsmanship. Women don’t believe in sportsmanship — mostly because it’s called sportsmanship. While we followed our coaches, women figured their coaches just wanted to get them behind the bleachers.

Men believe in rules because rules make sense. They give order. In Brazil, fans occasionally kill linesmen. Brazilians tend to go a bit overboard, but a bad call is like breaking a code or omerta. Women, on the other hand, flounce rules, figuring it’s no worse than what their coaches did back in high school.

This is what separates men from women. We respect sportsmanship and women don’t. We follow rules, essentially the same ones we’ve followed since playing sports in school. Most women think we do this to slap each other’s asses. Nothing could be further from the truth. Men follow rules because we don’t know any better.

Now, for some reason, women seem to think we do know better, that we collude. Again, this is preposterous. A good percentage of men can’t even spell collude (or preposterous). If collude were a beer (which rhymes with nude, great jingle potential), we’d drink it but, as far as us engaging in some sort of evil plot to subjugate women, well, most of us can’t spell subjugate, either. We’re just not that smart.

When women complain about not getting senior management positions, think back to baseball. Remember when boys wouldn’t let you play because it was their game (and if they did let you play, you had to stand in the outfield without a mitt). Nothing’s changed. Their game, their rules. You could say most senior management hasn’t matured since grade school — or 2,000 B.C., for that matter.

And here’s the deal with women’s real sticking point: salary parity. Men believe you have to ask for a raise. Women think it should be automatic. Sports salaries are paid based on performance. If they weren’t, players would just go out there and kick the ball in any direction they pleased. Men need incentives or we end up acting like governments.

Let’s think back to how wars were fought for thousands of years. Most armies did battle in open fields, each side following the rules of engagement. Nobody bombed local villages, nobody used women and children as human shields. Soldiers were chivalrous. As long as they were chivalrous, you were okay — unless your side lost and the victors decided to rape and plunder. You stood a fifty-fifty chance, either way. Not like these days when wars are anything but chivalrous or sportsmanlike.

If women want to change the rules today, don’t expect it to happen over night. We’re too simple to change in midstream. It’s like a linesman deciding seven yards isn’t fair for a first down. That’s just not cricket (or football) — and nobody would change the rules of cricket (or footfall). Every country in the former British Empire would be up in arms and probably start killing a few linesmen in the process.

And look at dating today. When women say, “I’m the equal of any man, but I still want them to open doors and pick up the cheque,” that’s like saying both teams can dribble but only one side can travel. Even if you hate the term sportsmanlike, you’re still messing with our heads. We’re still getting over being told to stop throwing meat on a fire. These things take time — sometimes many, many centuries.

In other words, stop thinking we know what we’re doing. We don’t. Rules help us, sure, but even rules are just guidance. Take that away and you might as well put us back in caves (with cable, of course). Just leave us our steakhouses, our rules and our sports. The rest is really over our heads.

What do you think? Are men really that simple, or is this a devious plot to make women think we’re clueless when we’re really colluding? Let me know at: rcormack@rogers.com

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details. Coming soon (hopefully), a collection of short stories called “Would You Mind Not Talking to Me?”