Why Feminists Hate Men.

“Flyway, problem hair is the enemy of feminism, and was probably invented by the Man to crush Susan Sontag.” Caitlin Moran

I rarely offer an opinion on men, feeling traitorous on one hand, a bit girlie on the other. Having said that, I do want to put some minds at rest. Feminists have the impression that all men are sneaky. Do you honestly think drinking beer out of two straws dangling from our baseball caps is sneaky?

The only things we’ve done that are even mildly sneaky happened by accident — including beer coming out of straws from our baseball caps. It started out as a way to hear if the beer was flat or not. We couldn’t afford a stethoscope so we used straws (not surprising since we spent our childhoods thinking we could talk to each other through two tin cans and a string).

It’s stupid but not necessarily sneaky. We have a long history of stupid things, often culminating in advances we didn’t intend. These are called inventions, or what feminists like to call pure, unadulterated “dumb luck.”

This led to a sophisticated form of hunting, better known as swinging a club. Spears followed, better known as letting go of the club.

If we go way back, man’s greatest discovery was hitting someone over the head with a bone. We realized it killed them. This led to a sophisticated form of hunting, better known as swinging a club. Spears followed, better known as letting go of the club.

Eventually, it occurred to our Neolithic ancestors that humans weren’t as dangerous as ferocious animals, so we started beating them over the head. When the bodies piled up, we discovered fire and burned the whole lot.

This led to our second greatest contribution: steakhouses.

From that point on, right up until today, I can state categorically that all our other achievements have paled by comparison. Sending folks to the moon? We littered space and left a few silly flags. Democracy? Doomed. The Constitution? An appallingly naïve document.

No, I’d say men should stick with steakhouses. Everything else has either backfired, exploded or run off screaming. Steakhouses remain a brilliant concept. We should take comfort in steakhouses and build more.

Even women back in Neolithic times concluded we were simple when they saw men throwing meat into fires.

If we did that, feminists wouldn’t be so quick to call us sneaky. They’d realize we’re quite simple beings. Even women back in Neolithic times realized we were simple when they saw men throwing meat into fires.

It was women who finally got men to hold the meat over the fire, leading to the third greatest contribution in history: flame-broiling.

Feminism could have taken hold right there and then. Instead, men added a stick to the meat, better known as rotisserie. They got all the accolades, leaving women stuck in kitchens for a few thousand years. 

Okay, that was sneaky. No one said men couldn’t be sneaky, but hell, it was a stick. Why didn’t women just say, “Hey, all they contributed was a stick!”

Women should have spoken up, but they didn’t, so men felt superior and eventually became chefs. The greatest chefs of Europe were men, while women cooked stuff like mutton. Around the same time, men created something that would  infuriate women for another few hundred years (meaning up until today). They invented the fryer.

Frying goes back to the eighteenth century, starting with potatoes, and by 1860, a 13-year-old boy named Joseph Malin combined deep-fried fish with french fries, opening the first chip shop in London.

Stupid comparison, I know, but we’re still eating fish and chips, praying we don’t need an x-ray, which we will when our arteries are clogged from fried foods.

Fish and chips caught on in a big way, leaving women to discover inventions like radioactivity. Marie Curie developed this first x-ray mobile units used during the First World War, but fish and chips were said to have boosted the morale of British and Irish soldiers, a big plus when you’re fighting a war (and eventually winning, by the way).

Stupid comparison, I know, but we continue eating fish and chips, praying we don’t need an x-ray, which we will when our arteries are clogged from fried foods.

Still, it’s these sort of comments that makes feminists call us sneaky. We flaunt our discoveries. Women figure their inventions should speak for themselves without being sneaky. Six of one, half dozen of another, men say, which really galls feminists and women in general.

Women have actually been responsible for some pretty cool discoveries, some of which have made life easier for men — and steakhouses.

Steakhouses have long been establishments of excess. We order too much, eat too much, then sit wondering why there’s still two pounds of meat on our plates. What do we do? We call for a doggie bag.

Well, way back in 1868, Margaret Knight developed a machine to make paper bags with a flat bottom. Charles Annan tried to steal the design, but Knight won a lawsuit and sent Annan packing (possibly with a doggie bag).

The list goes on, of course, everything from Scotchgard to disposable diapers. Without these, we’d be leaving stains all over the place.

Another problem with steakhouses is dishes. Imagine what steakhouses would be like without the automatic dishwasher. A woman named Josephine Cochrane invented it back in 1886. She never used one herself, but her servants did, and there isn’t a steakhouse between here and Malaga that doesn’t have an automatic dishwasher today.

The list goes on, of course, everything from Scotchgard to disposable diapers. Without these, we’d be leaving stains all over the place.

Women can take great pride in these inventions, especially feminists, but it still doesn’t stop them from calling men sneaks.

Today, steakhouses flourish, rotisseries abound, and fish and chips remain a staple in many countries around the world. Feminists don’t like that one bit. More needs to be done — and said — about women’s accomplishments, starting with that whole episode with throwing meat on fires.

No, inventions are the product of necessity, and women obviously taught men the necessity of not turning a forty pound ribeye into a one pound piece of charcoal.

How do we know women stopped that foolish practice?  I think it’s obvious. When have men ever stopped doing something stupid? We only do it more, which explains why we’re still speeding. We get fifty percent more speeding tickets than women. If we don’t know enough to slow down — or at least drive sober — do you think our Neanderthal ancestors would've stopped throwing meat on the fire?

No, inventions are the product of necessity, and women obviously taught men the necessity of not turning a forty pound ribeye into a one pound piece of charcoal. In fact, the first words out of a woman’s mouth back then was probably “dumbass” followed by the invention of salt.

Eventually, though, their inventions will join the league of other inventions nobody can live without like cable and ziplining.

In any case, I doubt this will make feminists feel any better. They’re still going to call men sneaks, and men will respond by inventing things that aren’t even remotely clever. Eventually, though, their inventions will join  other inventions nobody can live without, including cable and ziplining.

Feminists will just have to accept this as progress. We’re the products of our mistakes. They help us form better judgement. And steakhouses? Well, we can’t live without steakhouses. Vegans have tried. Feminists hate vegans, too. Not as much as men, but anyone who calls bean curds tofu is sneaky.

Men would never do that. We can’t even look at tofu.

Surely feminists can respect us for that.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (coming in paperback August 6th). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.