How to Avoid the Consequences of Social War

Bullying has come to beBee. It cannot be tolerated.

It will not be tolerated.

It might be strange that a platform based on affinity should fall victim to bullies and their tactics.

It isn’t.

Bullies don’t care about affinity. Bullies don’t care about social norms.

They only care about making themselves look good. They prefer pontification to discourse. They fear disagreement.

They want a platform for their crap.

It’s their insecurity and inferiority are what drives them to pull others down. At least they try to. 

It’s up to you whether they succeed or not.

I have a very low tolerance for bullying in any form.

Let me explain.

My family moved to Canada when I was 3. We were actually on our way to Australia, but we settled here. That’s a whole other story.

My parents anticipated the move, so my sister and I learned English as well as our native Arabic. (I was born in Cairo. I still understand Arabic, but can no longer speak it.)

Let’s just say that by age 4, I spoke English and French, but both with a “funny” accent.

Two teen-aged boys took exception to that “funny” accent.

They thought it would be a good idea to knock it out of me. They also decided to stuff grass in my mouth and nose. They left a four-year-old boy beaten and semi-conscious on the side yard of his home.

I tremble with anger as I write this. Oh, how I would love to meet those guys today. Just give me three minutes with them.

Anyway, I managed to make it to the front door and ring the bell before passing out in my Mother’s arms.

That incident marked me. Don’t feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for those who chose to attack me later.

Fast forward ten years. 

Paul at 14 is a man-sized overly muscular youth. He's also soft-spoken and polite. That comes from being two years younger than anyone else in his class.

One idiot decided that my politeness meant I was easy prey. It didn’t help that I was talking to the girl that broke up with him earlier that week. 

He hit me.

The poor bastard had no idea of the shitstorm that was about to rain down on him.

I flashed back to that day ten years before. This time, I wasn’t a defenseless four-year-old. I saw red. I don't remember the next thirty or so seconds.

His mistake cost him a broken arm, a broken nose, and three teeth.

Yes, the grass in mouth and nose incident marked me. 

I am normally easy-going. I give the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t like pushing back.

It’s not because I don’t know how. It sure as hell isn't out of fear of the bully.

It’s out of fear of Me.

I have seen the Beast Within. I’ve seen it up close and personal. It’s not pretty. 

I know just how little social veneer holds the Beast in check. I know it first-hand.

That Beast is in all of us.

It is far too easy for the Beast to take over and escalate a conflict.

Does it need to?

Disagreement is not Bullying

Even heated disagreement is not bullying.

Let’s get one thing straight. 

We are over 11,250,000 bees here. There is no way we will all come together singing, “Cumbaya!” We won’t braid flowers in each other’s hair. We won't spew hugs and kisses to all and sundry.

It just won’t happen. Get over it.

Take a position on a subject, any subject. Now, remember there are 11,250,000 people here.

Some will agree. Some will disagree.

Some will consider it offensive. Some will consider it profound.

Some will consider it stupid. Some will consider it brilliant.

So what?

You wrote it. I assume you stand behind it. I assume you believe it.

What do you care what they think? No, seriously! WHY?

Connect with those who share your thoughts and values. Disconnect from those who don’t. 

Block them if they persist.

Mute those you find offensive. You can mute a bee or just a single thread. 

You have control over your feed.

Use it.

Forcing your View IS Bullying

Social media is a written medium. The written word lacks inflection. Susan Rooks wrote a great piece about this. If you missed it, it’s over here.

I hate bullying, yet I’ve done it. I’ve done it twice. I didn’t mean to. It just sort of slipped out.

We’ve all done it. It’s easy as hell to do on social media.

The first time was a comment I wrote on a LinkedIn post. It was late I was tired. I wrote and posted without reading my comment.

The author messaged almost immediately. He said he enjoyed reading my posts and wondered why I felt the need to attack him on his.

I was surprised. I had no idea what he was talking about. I reread my comment. It could very well come off as an attack.

I deleted the comment and apologized.

The second time was also on LinkedIn. A person whose writing I greatly admire wrote very aggressive comments on three posts. I know, it’s a horrible thing to say, but I asked him if he was “off his meds.” I honestly didn’t think he would be offended.

I was wrong.

I meant it in the colloquial sense. He took it literally.

He disappeared from LinkedIn and I never got a chance to apologise. Lately, I’ve seen him amongst the hives.

I’m keeping my distance more out of embarrassment than a lack of affinity.

You know who you are. Please know that I did not intend to insult or wound you. Also, please consider this my apology.

I would be honored to follow you back should you choose to forgive me. Otherwise, I'll stay out of your hair.

Which brings me to another point

Saying, “No offense,” does not make it so any more than saying, “This won’t hurt,” before I punch you in the face makes that so.

I’m a writer. I write professionally. I know the power of words. Yet, I unintentionally attacked two people.

How many have you unintentionally attacked?

How many well-intended “suggestions” offended the recipient?

Do you even know?

If people want advice, they’ll ask for it. Some people still insist on offering unsolicited advice. To them, I suggest they offer the offering of the advice, not the advice itself.

Does that make sense?

I still get private messages telling me how I can write better or grow my social presence faster.

Writer, Edit thyself

I’m convinced that most bullying is unintended.

Before you hit the Reply button, read your comment. Read it aloud if you can. Does your meaning depend on inflection? If so, what other meanings might the same words convey with a different emphasis?

Reread your next comment.

Is it supportive? (Post)

Is it factual? (Hold off for now. posting is NOT okay simply because it’s true. Truth does not make abuse OK.)

Can it be interpreted as insulting, belittling, or both? (Trash it, even if true. Be honest with yourself, why do you need to post it?)

Is it argumentative? (It’s okay to disagree. It’s not OK to take quantum leaps of logic to refute. Being argumentative is not simple disagreement. It’s picking a fight. If you can’t disagree respectfully, don’t post.)

Does it make your blood boil? (Block, mute, unfollow. Don’t bother commenting. Think about it. If it sucks that badly, why inflict it on your followers? Scoop: If you need to comment to “show people how you deal with morons,” you’re a bully.)

Does the author put forth a position contrary to a position you already put forth? Do you need to “set the record straight?” (don’t post, that’s bullying too. Ignore.)

If you don't believe the last two statements are true, you're kidding yourself. You're also probably a bully.

If you feel you have been bullied

You unfollowed. You blocked. You muted.

They still keep coming. 

Now what?

Report them to beBee. No one needs to deal with this crap.

You are not alone.

Remember, if people try to pull you down, it means you're above them.